


Mattie

by ALWrite



Series: Outlaw [5]
Category: 3:10 to Yuma (2007), The Quick and the Dead (1995)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Child Abuse, Coming of Age, Drama, F/M, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Love, Post-Canon, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-09 19:06:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 27
Words: 49,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15274278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALWrite/pseuds/ALWrite
Summary: After Mary's death, Ben Warner and Mattie Silk form a tentative friendship...





	1. A painful goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> The character of "Mattie Silk" is taken from the movie "The Quick and the Dead (1995)". Please be warned, however, that for the sake of this story I have given the character "Mattie" a back story and developed her in a way that is not consistent with her movie.
> 
> The stories in the series "Outlaw" are not in chronological, but in "dramatic" order, sometimes jumping years ahead and sometimes relying on revealed information of earlier stories.
> 
> If you have not read the previous stories, I recommend to start with Part 1: "Better Luck Next Time".

"Not this one. That's for them Kentucky horses," Matt said to Charlie Meeks, the foreman. Meeks just shook his head.

"Don't know why the boss makes such a fuss over them horses. Don't see no difference, except they are bigger and they eat more."

"Fine horses, they are," Matt said.

"Don't see no reason to say that," Charlie Meeks said. "Way I see it, them horses don't work as good as our quarter horses do."

Matt just smiled. He had lived in Kentucky once, the county of the blue-green grass, and he had been pleasantly surprised when Ben Warner had bought thoroughbred horses there to stock up his herd after the drought was over. Matt had told him once about the thoroughbreds he used to work with in Louisville, and he was proud when his boss took him aside and queried him in detail. A few weeks later Ben Warner had left for Kentucky.

The horses he had brought back were fine animals, their lineage famous on the racetracks of Louisville and Henderson.

"Boss don't want them to work. He wants them to breed," Matt corrected Meeks. But that was as far as he would go. After all, Charlie Meeks was the foreman.

"Our own mares breed just fine. And they make good, obedient horses. Them Kentucky beasts, they always fuss around."

Matt didn't answer. He knew how much his boss Ben Warner cherished those horses.

Yes, they were shy and skittish, and they weren't used to the often harsh and casual treatment they were submitted to on a ranch. The mares were Ben's pride and joy, and after observing both his new horses and his men Ben had decided that only himself, Jason and Matt were to handle them.

As Matt fed some extra rations to the pregnant mares, he could see Ben Warner and his daughter Lilly standing at the opposite fence talking and pointing to the various horses.

 

"What do you think their foals will look like?" Lilly asked her father.

Ben had teamed up the Kentucky mares with his best stallions. He hoped to get foals with a mix of both their parents' best qualities.

"It'll be just like with the other foals, too, Lilly. Some will look like their mother, some like their father, and some will look like both."

"They are beautiful," Lilly said, "but they're so... shy."

Ben laughed. Lilly, too, was used to the sturdy and calm quarter horse breed.

"Yeah, they haven't been around people much.  That's why they're so skittish. In Kentucky they're running in a huge herd and rarely see people. Remember?"

Lilly nodded. She had accompanied her father to the horse farms in Kentucky. Those weeks had been the most exciting experience of her young life.

"Why did you buy mares, Daddy? When we went to Kentucky you said you wanted to buy stallions," Lilly asked.

Her father looked at her. _Should he tell her? Could she understand yet? Lilly was only eleven._

Lilly had interpreted his hesitation, and she didn't like it. _Why wasn't she to know?_

"Daddy...!"

"All right, I’ll tell you. At first, I wanted to buy three or four stallions to bring in fresh blood. But the Kentucky horses are taller than ours, and their foals are bigger. So, when the foals are bigger, then our smaller mares might have problems giving birth to them."

Lilly was thinking fast.

"Like 'Snowflake'?"

_Snowflake had died giving birth to her foal. Lilly hadn't been present - her father hadn't allowed it - but she demanded to know what had happened the next day, and he had told her that the foal had been the wrong way round inside the mare, and she couldn't push it out. Both had died._

 

Ben shook his head.

"No. That was just bad luck. It sometimes happens, Lilly. What I mean is that if we mix the thoroughbreds with our quarter horses, thing is, I don't know if the foals will be bigger or not. But if they are, then it's best to have bigger mares instead of smaller ones."

Lilly nodded. _That made a lot of sense._ But then her mind found something else to mull about.

"Daddy..."

"Hm...?"

"Will the foals be calm like their fathers or... "

"...skittish like their mothers?" Ben finished her sentence.

"Yes. What will they be like?"

Ben laughed.

"Don't know. We'll have to see, Lilly."

Satisfied, she nodded. _You couldn't know it all, but the way her father explained it, the world made absolute sense to her. Even if – like in this  case – he had to admit to his ignorance. He still knew much more than anyone else, especially that terrible teacher of hers! Her father was simply the best._

Lilly watched Ben walk over to his old black gelding 'Ribbon'.

 

 

Ben whistled - a whistle he had been using for many years now. At the far end of the corral Ribbon perked up and started moving towards Ben. His gait was slow. Ben could see that he was hurting with each step. The arthritis he had developed over the last two years, and which was so much worse in the damp winter, did not just slow his gait, it also dulled his spirit. Finally the horse reached the fence.

Ben patted his neck. He had been watching Ribbon for two weeks now. His pain was getting worse and worse. Ribbon barely moved any more for fear of pain. Wistfully, Ben stroked over his nose. _Old age couldn't be cured. It was time to say goodbye._

Nobody saw Ben as he left the ranch riding a young chestnut and leading Ribbon along on the halter.

With the horse slowed down by its pain it took him several hours to reach the mountain range north of his ranch, a distance which the much younger chestnut could easily have covered in perhaps an hour. But Ben was in no hurry. On his way north he spotted movements among the trees. It wasn't high enough for cougars - they usually stayed in the mountains. But the ranch hands had had to drive away a pack of wolves some days ago, so perhaps this pack was following him now sensing that something slowed him down.

When he reached a group of trees from which a steep path led up to the mountains he dismounted. Slowly – his movements were so measured they almost matched Ribbon's careful steps – he tied the chestnut to one of the trees, then led Ribbon away further off to a spot where they were out of sight and smell.

Ribbon was hurting; Ben could clearly see it. The long way had taken much out of him. He patted his old friend and murmured nonsense words. He had brought two apples – a meal that he knew the horse relished very much. Many years ago, when they had still been on the run from the law, Ribbon had rarely gotten a sweet fruit. But since Ben had settled down and built up the ranch both man and horse had often ended a particularly hard working day by munching an apple each.

While the horse chewed on the first apple Ben thought about the first robbery with his then new 'business partner' Ribbon.

 

_He had purchased the horse three weeks prior to the robbery, and the horse had done well during those first weeks. He was reliable and obedient. They were still getting used to each other, and Ben wasn't sure how fast or how enduring Ribbon would prove to be in a chase – but the horse already responded to both his whistle and his voice. The gelding even left the group of horses the other gang members rode in response to Ben's call which was unusual so early on in their relationship. It felt as if they had been together for much longer._

 

_That first robbery had gone bad, and most of the gang members had been shot. The three remaining men and Ben had managed to grab the money bags and ride off, hotly pursued by two surviving railroad men. They had spread and ridden off into different directions, but Ben was one of the men who was carrying a money bag, and so he was tailed by one of the survivors. After hours of a dangerous chase through rocky canyon territory he had found a spot to hide with his horse, and his pursuer had passed him by, riding further down into the canyon. All depended on the horse and him staying absolutely quiet for some time, and – eventually – they would be able to get out of the canyon without being heard._

_As Ben tried to relax in Ribbon's saddle and bent over to pat the gelding's neck he saw a rattle snake not far off that was slowly sliding into his direction. Imperceptibly, he tensed. The horse felt his movement – and saw the snake, too._

_"Easy, boy..." Ben whispered – more to himself, really. He would need all his wits now. The chase would soon be on again. A horse couldn't stay calm in the presence of a snake. It simply couldn't. The slightest sound – even if it was a snicker and not a panicked whinny – would resonate through the canyon, and there would be nothing left but to turn the horse and ride on for dear life._

_But Ribbon had stayed calm. He nodded his head and swished his tail, but those remained the only outward signs of his nervousness. The snake had come closer still, sliding past them at perhaps two yard's distance. Ben could see that the horse's eyes were full of fear, but his hand on the gelding's neck kept patting and he kept murmuring,_

_"...calm, boy, stay calm...,"_

_and the horse took its cue from his voice and didn't move as much as a muscle. The snake had gone, and still Ben kept stroking the horse, this time for praise._

_After staying put for another while they had gotten out of the canyon and made for the next town. And there, Ribbon had received his first apple._

 

The apple was finished, but Ribbon could smell the second one in Ben's pocket, and so he prodded Ben with his nose. Ben took out the last apple and fed it to the horse.

 

_Bang!_

_The shot had gone right through his shoulder. A painful wound. Nothing fatal, but painful nevertheless. Damn Pinkertons! Blood was dripping along his arm, soaking his shirt and jacket, and he swayed in his saddle, but Ribbon kept on running._

_They were going further and further, along a tricky path. Small rocks littered the terrain, and Ribbon picked his way sure and steadily while behind him Ben could hear hooves thundering on the ground. The posse was still far off, but now that they had sighted him, they would just keep hunting him down._

_There was nowhere to hide – the terrain was too flat and open for that. Ribbon wasn't tired; he hadn't been riding him hard that day, and normally Ben would have thought to use Ribbon's remarkable endurance to just outrun the posse until – eventually – they would have to slow down. But the shoulder wound was hurting. He wouldn't be able to keep urging Ribbon on. He was losing blood, and with it the ability to see and think straight._

_Ribbon knew the score: run. They had been so close for so long, the horse felt the need to run on as hard as possible. Ben's body language had given it away. They had outrun others before, but this time his rider didn't help him, didn't signal him where to turn and which way to pick. Well, he would have to do this on his own then._

_It was hours later that Ben came to. He sat slumped in the saddle but was still mounted. They were near a little brook, and Ribbon had sated his thirst and was nibbling on the vegetation. The territory looked quite different, and there was no sign of the posse. Not too far off was a landmark Ben recognized. Could that really be the town of San Luis, Mexico, far off in the distance? Ben squinted to focus better and recognized the colonial style of the buildings. Yes, it was definitely San Luis. So Ribbon had taken him all the way down to Mexico, more than ten miles while he had been swaying about in the saddle dizzy with pain. There was no way the posse would cross into Mexican territory. He was safe. And Ribbon had done it all by himself._

 

The second apple was gone. Still full of memories of that exhausting chase and miraculous saving Ben touched his forehead to the horse's, drinking in the familiar smell. _There was no point in delaying any longer. The horse was tired and in pain_. He took out his pistol.

"Goodbye, boy." _What else to say to a good friend, a trusted companion over so many years?_

Ribbon lay his muzzle on his shoulder, and his warm breath tickled Ben's ear. A confirmation of their bond, and a tender goodbye. Ben answered by turning his head and blowing softly across Ribbon's nose. Then he pulled at the halter to lower Ribbon's head and placed his gun to the horse's forehead. Ribbon was calm now – not afraid of anything. This was as good a moment as any.

The shot rang out, and the chestnut further off gave a frightened whinny.

Ribbon slumped to the ground, felled like a tree. The bullet had gone through his brain and killed him on the spot. Ben knelt down and gave the dead horse a last pat.

"Thank you, old boy."

Then he rode to a spot not too far away from which he could observe the dead horse. It took less than a quarter hour for the pack of wolves to pick up the scent of death. When Ben saw the first wolf carefully approach the carcass he turned his horse and led it back home.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Still mourning Mary

That night Ben rode into town. He was too restless to stay on the ranch. The horse's death weighed on him, but he couldn't quite admit to himself why that was. With Ribbon he had laid his old life to rest. The softly nagging feeling of getting old was taking hold of him, and the life that was still strong in him would not accept the thought and fought back vehemently. Torn by his feelings and not willing to think about it all, Ben meant to down a few whiskies and then end up in a warm bed.

 

When he entered the saloon it was overflowing with people. William Evans meant to marry Sandy in a few days, and he had invited everyone to share in her farewell from the cat-house.

The girls were all teared up, and Ben watched his former bed-partner Sandy hug them good-bye.

"Ben!" Sandy had spotted Ben standing a few feet away from them.

"Sandy..." Ben hugged her warmly. "Teach that young buck here how to treat a woman right, will you?" he said with a nod towards William Evans, and everybody laughed. William smiled a little sheepishly, not sure how to react.

"Oh, he already knows," Sandy said loud enough for all to hear, and laughter rang through the saloon.

"William..."

Ben shook William's hand with a smile and a sparkle in his eyes. "Take good care of Sandy."

"Oh, I will..."

Just three words, but by the look and the hand shake William gave him Ben could see that he meant it.

 

After Sandy and William had left, some people caroused on. Ben was looking around for Lydia when his eyes fell on Mattie.

She was sitting at the corner table all by herself, a bottle of whisky in front of her. Gone was his wish to cuddle up to the lush and soft Lydia for the night. Mattie radiated a pain he could not ignore.

Quietly Ben went over to the bar, picked up a whisky glass and walked to her table.

Her look told him she recognized him but didn't care. The bottle was already half empty. He held out his glass for her to fill. She fumbled with the task, but managed to fill his glass without spilling the liquor. Ben saw how much concentration and effort it cost her. Slowly he sat down beside, not opposite, her so that she would have to turn to speak to him. She didn't. She kept staring right in front of herself.

He admired her profile, the small straight nose, the pale skin, the beautiful, soft red curls. There was a small pendant around her neck, nothing flashy. It spoke of class. _Like the whole girl, actually,_ he thought. Although she was slightly swaying in her seat she still held herself erect. Her hand moved to the glass again, and when Ben looked at her he could see that she was disgusted by the drink. She downed her whisky like one took a medicine; it had to be done in order to dull the pain.

Ben filled up his own glass again. The best way to keep her from drinking the whisky seemed to be drinking it before she could.

Mattie was deeply in thought.

 

_Mary... At least she had_ tried _to get out and find a new life. She, Mattie, had always been certain that life would never offer her more than being a saloon girl, a sweet plaything for those who could pay for it. For a few years... and then... what? An early death?_

_That was what she had been told; that was what she had observed a countless number of times. For a girl like her it wasn't possible to find a new life. It wasn't, no matter what the dime novels told you._

_She had tried once in Redemption – but fate had thrown her back into the cat-house after a few days. A whore... that was all she ever was... that was all she would ever be._

 

"Mattie... you can hardly sit up. Let's go upstairs, get you into bed."

Ben's voice penetrated her thoughts. Like it always did. The presence of this man changed the very way she perceived the world around her. But this time Mattie just looked at him and shook her head.

_No. Going to bed was like declaring defeat. She would wake up tomorrow with nothing changed. Life would just stay this way indefinitely, and from tomorrow on she would grow old and die._

Ben stood beside her. His hand grasped her arm. His voice was soft. It was crawling right under her skin.

"Come with me, girl."

With a shake of her head she reached for the bottle, but it was empty. Ben's hand took a firmer grip on her arm, and he heaved her up.

Too weak to resist, she let herself be dragged up from the chair. He led her up the stairs and into her room, closing the door softly. When Mattie saw her bed in front of her she turned to run – and bumped into Ben.

Although she immediately tried to hide her face from him, Ben saw that her eyes were full of tears.

She stood by the chair, clinging to it to retain her balance. Her body, so slim, so fragile... it gave her the look of a porcelain doll. Her sudden movement had made her hairdo come apart; one of her long red strands was cascading over her back and contrasted with the pale cream colour of her dress. He approached and turned her softly towards him, his hands on her shoulders.

She buried her face in his chest, too ashamed to let him see her tears. His arms came around her, cradling her to him, warming her. And then he felt the shirt above his vest getting wet...

A wave of tenderness swept through him and his right hand rubbed over her back in warm, calming circles. His left hand moved up to her neck and into her beautiful hair. _She was always so strong... so in control of herself... It was easy to forget that she, too, was just a fragile human being._

"Mattie... girl... don't cry," he whispered, then his arms opened and freed her, and his hands cupped her cheeks and raised her face. He wanted her to look at him.

Mattie didn't use colouring on her face except for some black accentuating her eyes. Her overall image was that of 'clean', 'pure', 'elegant'. The black tear streaks that he saw on her cheeks were completely out of place. It made her look pathetic. _Like a little girl that has been using its mother's make-up and got scolded for it,_ Ben thought.

"Come, Little One, let's get you undressed."

Softly, like he would have done with Lilly, he started to peel her out of her clothes. In all the time Ben and Mattie had known each other, she had never shared his bed. They were friends, and their friendship was precious to both of them. 

Although Ben had never seen her naked before, he didn't think along these lines. The carer and protector was foremost in him. True, the alcohol warmed his blood, but he was still very much in control of what happened.

Carefully and tenderly he undressed Mattie, then he led her to the bed and made her lie down. She had gone completely limp at his ministrations, almost as if she had handed over her will to him.

"Cold..." she whispered when he pulled the blanket over her, "it's cold."

_She wasn't herself tonight._

Her behaviour almost scared him. It wasn't that cold in her room. He decided he couldn't leave her like this, shivering under the blanket. So he undressed, too, and lay down beside her. She turned to him, her eyes huge. He couldn't stand the pain in them, and so he looked at her body. It was covered in goose-pimples, her nipples stood out. She was shivering. She was cold, not aroused.

Looking back into her eyes he suddenly understood her pain. It was born from a simple wish, denied over too many years. The wish to be loved, not used. To be cherished, not paid for. To be held, not discarded.

His sudden soft smile and his hand reaching out to touch her cheek called her to him, and she hid in his embrace like a child. He held her until he felt her shivers subside. Then he softly kissed her forehead, her eyes, her still black-streaked cheeks. His hand caressed her neck, and then ran along her slender arm, taking her hand in his. He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. Mattie slowly relaxed.

The whisky he had drunk and the emotional upheaval about Ribbon's death began to work on Ben. Mattie's body was getting warmer, and she relaxed even more. It made his body react in the opposite way. He became hard. Painfully hard. Her body so close to his was intoxicating. Ben knew that sex was probably the last thing on her mind right now, that all she needed was the warmth and the security that his embrace might provide. And yet he could not help kissing her throat, and from her throat down to her small breasts, his touch turning from comforting to sexual.

He felt her hand caress his hair. It wasn't a touch to urge him on. Her hand combed through his hair like a mother would caress her child. She still needed the cuddle more than the passion. Her body, however, began to respond. Conditioned by the needs of by now countless men she began moulding her form to suit his, her arms opened and hugged him to her, and her legs spread to accommodate him.

For a moment Ben wondered if it was wise to take their friendship this one – this crucial – step further, but he was only human, and her hug spurred on his need. Carefully and tenderly, he sheathed himself inside her.

They didn't dare look at each other. In their whisky-tinged minds both knew they had crossed a boundary they had once erected deliberately. _What would their relationship be in the morning?_

The thought sobered him and Ben hesitated, the urgency gone. Mattie hid her face in his neck. The alcohol was doing its work, and both of them drifted, their needs shifting back again to the warmth that touch provided. Ben relaxed and felt his member get soft.

A minute later they were both asleep.

 

 

Mattie woke to a soft caress. A hand stroked over her forehead, her cheek, and back to her forehead again. The hand seemed to shock-start her into reality, as if its soft touch had switched on, if not consciousness, then at least her sensual perception.

It was daylight – she could feel that much behind her closed eyelids. The rays of the sun were warming her face. The hand travelled along her cheek, a thumb ran softly over her lips, then a finger travelled along her nose – from its bridge to its tip... that self-same finger traced both her eyebrows and then her still-closed eyes as if running along a sheet of paper drawing a face.

Mattie took a deep breath. _It felt too good to be true. This must be a dream, this couldn't be real._ She sighed. A soft beard was touching her face, and a mouth at her ear was whispering

"Good morning."

 

The sound of his voice woke her out of her dreamlike state. _Ben. He was here..._

But then memory hit her, and she remembered what had happened the night before. _She never allowed men to stay overnight. Never. It was because she wasn't her best in the morning, couldn't keep up the game face at such a time of day. She must have been too drunk last night to think of any consequences. And now it was too late. What did he think? That they were lovers now?_

Her head hurt, and she didn't want to open her eyes to the day and its reality, didn't want to face what was to come...

Mattie sighed – a soundless sigh that resembled a deep breath.

"I've got to get back to the ranch soon," the voice said, the sound of it rougher than Mattie was used to, its usual honey-timbre absent in the early morning hour.

His hand gripped her hair and held her head in place while his lips searched her throat, and his second hand roamed along her body, exploring her curves.

He was hard again, Mattie could feel his penis twitch at her thigh. _What had happened last night could perhaps be forgotten... could, perhaps, be dismissed as a lapse of control. But only if they stopped right here and now, stopped and returned to what was so important to her: to being friends._

She opened her eyes and tried to convey her message when he spread her legs and settled between them. Only when he pushed himself into her did he raise his head and look into her face.

For a moment he could see the panic in her eyes.

"Shhh... girl...," he murmured, silencing her with a tender kiss.

Softly, he pushed on until he was fully sheathed.

_The way she looked at him, it seemed almost as if she was upset about something._ Ben couldn't quite interpret her expression, so he smiled at her reassuringly.

"It was inevitable, Mattie," he said quietly. "It was only a matter of time."

Then he picked up the pace, his need urgent now. And while Ben buried his face in her neck and relished the smell and touch of her body that he felt go soft and accommodating, Mattie used all the strength she had left to hang on and stay calm. It was all she could do not to fall apart.

For once she did not help a man find his release, for once she just let her body go limp and let the man do all the work. Her tears ran along her cheeks, speaking of her defeat. She had just lost her one and only friend; he had become her customer.

 

When Ben left Mattie later that morning to return to the ranch, something was nagging at him. Although his body felt relaxed, his mind wasn't really. Something was wrong, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. The winter sun threw its colours across the landscape he was riding through, but he didn't notice the beauty of it. He was still thinking about Mattie and their love-making. _Something had been wrong. But what?_

And then it came to him: he had been treated like a well-paying customer, not a lover. Her touches and hugs had felt professional. _He hadn't slept with his friend Mattie; he had slept with a whore!_

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. The job of a prostitute

"All I want is work with the horses!"

"Forget it, Lilly."

"But, Daddy..."

"I said, forget it!" Ben repeated angrily.

"I am as good a rider as anybody here."

"That's not the point!"

Matt shook his head as he observed Ben Warner lock horns with his daughter. Lilly was stubborn, they all knew this, and sometimes her stubbornness won over Ben's reasoning, but this time she was going too far.

"You must be mad to think I'd let you break in the young horses."

This time Ben was really angry. _Who did she think she was? This was dangerous!_

"But it would be easier for them," Lilly started again, "I'm not as heavy as the men, and the horses could get used to the weight bit by bit."

Ben's look turned dark. _She just wasn't listening...! He'd have to force her to understand._

"If I ever catch you trying to join in the work, you'll pay for it, Lilly," he said, his voice quiet and slow; he accentuated every word carefully.

They locked stares again, but Lilly knew she stood no chance. _Not when her father was determined._

"You are treating me like a dumb child!" she hurled at him angrily, then she turned and ran into the house.

 

Ben's eyes followed her. Her words rang in his ears. He was well aware of the fact that she was no longer a child. Her body was beginning to change.  His chubby little girl had grown fast during the last year. Now her arms and legs looked too thin in comparison with the rest of her body, and her movements were a bit coltish. Soon she would grow into a woman. A slight panic took hold of him. _His daughter was growing into a woman, and there was no woman around to teach her all the things she needed to know! It wasn't enough that up to this day he had helped her through every stage of her young life. This time he wasn't good enough._ He felt acutely that he couldn't give her what she would need. _But who could?_

 

~~~

 

"William..."

"What?" William lifted his head from Sandy's breast.

"Could you..."

"What?"

She smiled at him shyly. "Could you... use your mouth...?"

"Huh?" He frowned. _What did she mean?_

Softly, Sandy's fingers stroked his hair from his forehead.

"Use your mouth to... I mean on my... you know..."

She blushed – embarrassed to use the words. _This was cat-house speak. She didn't want to talk to William like that!_

"You mean... _there?_ " His hand touched her folds and his nimble fingers moved to tickle and tease. Sandy squirmed – she was ticklish. When she looked into his smug face, she had to laugh. _He was so sweet!_

She snuggled further into his embrace.

"I only ever done this with one man, William," she confessed, refraining from mentioning that it had been William's friend Ben Warner. _This was something William would never learn._

"I want you to be the one to do it."

_Oh, how she loved this boyish grin! Even if William turned a hundred years old, his would always be the smile of a boy!_

Slowly and deliberately, with care and tenderness, William kissed his way down along her body...

 

~~~

 

When Ben came into the saloon that same evening Mattie wasn't around. He saw her come back down from her room a few minutes later. She was escorting Jeremiah Jones, the banker.

Ben observed him. _By the satisfied look on the man's face, it had been a good experience. But then it would be, wouldn't it?_

Mattie had the reputation of being the best, and Ben knew that many men wondered why he, Ben, hadn't bought her services before.

When Mattie saw Ben, something in her crumbled, and she realized she had hoped he might have forgotten about their previous night and that fateful morning.

But he was back.

It could mean only one thing: from now on he wanted to come as a customer. She shuddered inwardly at the thought of receiving his money rather than a smile or a kiss on her knuckles.

_What did she expect? Her mother had told her many times that she was a whore and would never be worth more than what a man was willing to pay for a poke. She had deluded herself thinking that one day a man might see her differently._

For a moment Mattie remembered Redemption and her time there. She thought of Fee Herod who had actually married her.

 _Fee... her 'husband-of-one-day'._ _He had been shot on their wedding-day. They had never had the chance to live together as husband and wife. But perhaps this had been for the best. Who knew? After a few years of marriage – perhaps only after a few weeks – he might have seen her differently..._

Gracefully, as was her trademark, she walked down the steps, said goodbye to her customer who smiled and winked at her, and then – after having caught his insistent look – she proceeded to Ben's table.

 _She wore a mask._ He could clearly see it. He held out his hand to her. Hesitatingly, she took it. When he kissed her knuckles she smiled, and Ben realized that this had been exactly what he had wanted to do; he had wanted to make her smile.

"Sit down, Mattie-girl." His voice was soft. "Have a drink with me."

His glass was empty and she went to the bar to fetch two whiskies. Then she sat down at his table somewhat stiffly. He looked her over. She seemed subdued. _Perhaps the experience hadn't been as good for her as it had been for Jones. – Well, he would remedy this._

 

She had moved up the stairs in front of him like a sleepwalker. To Ben it seemed as if there was a thick, solid wall around her tonight. They had both undressed, and now she stood beside her plain, wooden chair, the only one in the room. Her slender, bared body was like this chair: unvarnished, raw, somewhat stiff... an object that served a purpose, no more - not one of those soft armchairs that Ben had at home, on which you could make yourself comfortable. _If she only lost that stiff stance and that impenetrable wall around her that was so dismissive._

Slowly, Ben approached her and placed his palms on her cheeks.

He didn't know what to make of her expression. _She was too calm, too indifferent, she looked... resigned._

He bent down and kissed her softly, then withdrew and looked at her again. His thumb softly brushed over her lips, again and again.

Finally she smiled at him.

"Mattie-girl," he whispered, and she stepped into his embrace.

His hand on the small of her back was warm. She drank in his smell. She had always loved his smell: horses, leather, and something uniquely Ben. _The smell of a friend. Reassuring, but so much stronger now that he was naked. Wasn't it better this way? – No! He would want to... she could already feel his arousal._

With this she shut down.

 

Nothing he did excited her, Ben could plainly see it. She was like a doll in his hands... compliant but lifeless.

He spread her thighs, and she let him. _No. It just didn't feel right. She let him do whatever he wished. Did she do this because of the money? Was that all he meant to her?_

Ben decided to test this.

"Turn around, Mattie, on your stomach," he said, his voice husky not with want but with anxiety. _Would she do it?_

Mattie turned, and a sickening feeling rose in him at her practised movement. _She was obeying a customer, not a lover._

"No," Ben changed his mind again, "get up. Suck me!"

She turned again and rose to obey, and it was her docile obedience that made Ben snap.

He grabbed her with force, a hand in her hair pulling her up close to his face.

"You don't do this because you want to. You do it because you want me to pay you!"

Mattie froze. His face was dark with rage. But she couldn't have reacted differently had her life depended on it. All her life she had serviced men, she knew all the tricks, all the enticing movements to excite and please them, but somehow with him they all failed. He wanted something, she could see it. But she didn't understand what it was.

His hands gripped into her shoulders; it was painful.

"What am I to you? Do you even _see_ me?" He shook her forcefully.

"I'm... doing... th... the best... I c... can..." she stammered under his assault.

"I am _not_ your customer!" He yelled it in her face, afraid that if he didn't shout out his pain he might use his fists on her. But as soon as the words were out he felt deflated.

_She didn't understand! Or maybe he had read her wrong and he didn’t mean anything to her. Maybe, he really was no more than a customer to her._

He let go of her shoulders and climbed out of bed. Slowly, with his back to her, he began to dress.

When he was finished and turned she was kneeling on the bed, her eyes wide, her face frozen in shock. _She still didn't understand what he wanted to be for her._ Ben's face went hard. _Perhaps she didn't care._

Mattie saw his eyes turn cold. _If he only told her what it was he wanted her to do, then she could try, and then, perhaps, he might stay._

Mattie had never wanted a man to stay with her before. But that one night she had spent in Ben's arms had been the safest and the most peaceful night in her life. Just snuggling up against him and being held would be enough. Enough to steel her against servicing men for the rest of her life... _If he would only tell her what he wanted..._

"Ben..."

"No, Mattie," he shook his head, "I won't be your john. I want to be more to you than that."

He paused and took a deep breath.

"Until you are ready to love me I won't come back."

He took out his wallet and dropped all his cash on her table. It was more than forty dollars. Then he turned and left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Blood in the lives of women

When Ben arrived at the ranch late at night he was summoned immediately. The first mare had started to foal, and it looked like trouble. Ben sighed. _Not a good sign._ It was still too early in the year, and on top of it, it was one of the young mares from Kentucky who hadn't foaled before.

Two hours later he held a lively and kicking little colt in his arms. The young dam was exhausted from the prolonged birth but well. The episode hadn't managed to erase Mattie completely from his mind, but it had put things into perspective again; he had helped a new life being born. It was an achievement that eclipsed his unpleasant conversation with Mattie and the feeling of treating her unfairly, a feeling that had developed during the ride back to his ranch and that had left a bitter taste in his mouth.

 

As if the young mare had given a signal to all the others to start early as well, with this one early birthing the foaling season started, and it was more than three weeks before Ben got a good night's sleep again.

Too exhausted to even think about Mattie, he climbed into his bed at night, and it was only after a few uneventful nights and enough sleep that Mattie's pale face and slender figure rose in his mind's eye again.

 _If he visited her, would she react differently this time? Or should he avoid her and choose Lucy or Lydia instead?_ He dismissed that thought. He wanted neither Lucy nor Lydia, and why should he pay someone for something he didn't really want?

 

~~~

 

The scene between Ben and Mattie hadn't gone unnoticed by the people present. But contrary to Mattie's fears it didn't damage her business. Quite the opposite; the fact that her prospective customers didn't need to worry about making Ben Warner angry by buying her services made her an even more valuable commodity than before. And so Mattie found herself well sought-after.

She breathed a sigh of relief. Ben's behaviour confirmed her belief that love was not in the cards for her, and she meant to profit from her present popularity as much as she could. Once already, during the drought, she had made an attempt to put aside money and leave Indian Springs forever. It hadn't lasted then.

She shook her head in disbelief. _She had come back here instead of moving on. Because of Mary and their friendship... Stupid to think one could count on something so fragile. People either let you down or they vanished. In the end you were always alone._

_But circumstances were much easier now. She would make another effort, spread the word that she was willing to make discounts for her most special – and most expensive – services. She hoped that the banker, the hotel owner and other regulars would line up, and she might put aside enough to set her up in a small town far from Indian Springs. And by the time this money would run out, she would have found a husband no matter what and reduced the number of men to service down to one._

 

Mattie's plan took shape and started to pay off. The banker became a regular customer, visiting her three, sometimes four times per week. And he spread the word around; more and more married men who hadn't dared approach her before came to her during the day when their wives expected them to be at work, and tried a service they had only ever dreamed about.

And they came back.

The wall Mattie had once erected to protect herself grew daily; it became stronger and more and more impenetrable.

 

~~~

 

"Read on, Lilly."

" _'Will my once kind, my ever-beloved mother, deign to receive a letter from her guilty, but repentant child? or has she, justly incensed at my ingratitude, driven the unhappy Charlotte from her remembrance? Alas! thou much injured mother! Shouldst thou even disown me, I dare not complain, because I know I have deserved it...'_ "

Lilly's voice resonated the hatred she felt at the words – the mere passage made her boil with anger! The deference of the words, even more so since they were directed at a mother-figure, irked her to the core. The whole classroom was silent, even the boys who had been given some task in arithmetic had stopped and were listening. There was trouble brewing between Lilly and Miss Hargrove; they could feel it.

 

Miss Hargrove let her read the whole chapter aloud. It was a crucial chapter in the book, perfect to demonstrate all kinds of moral guidelines like proper deference to parents, repentance, and above all else, decent female behaviour. Alas, Lilly's way of rendering the text made it necessary to correct the obviously aggressive attitude of the girl.

"Lilly... Charlotte is writing to seek forgiveness from her mother..."

"Forgiveness? For what?" Lilly spat. "She has fallen in love!  That's all she has done!”

Lilly's outburst brought a giggle from the other pupils and a shocked look from her friend Sarah. 'Fallen in love' didn't quite cover it. After all, the heroine of the moral tale was pregnant out of wedlock! How much deeper could you fall as a woman?

 

"Lilly!" Marguerite Hargrove was shocked, too.

The tale of 'Charlotte Temple' by Susanna Rowson was a classic that had been around for almost 90 years. It was meant to instil moral values in the girls that were or would soon grow up to be maidens – and marriageable.

They were in a wild country, a country where men didn't necessarily behave as 'gentlemen'. It was doubly important that the girls adhered to the strict values laid down by their parents and expected by society as proper conduct for women!

Miss Hargrove was aware that Lilly's take on the story wasn't entirely wrong. Yes, the heroine had misbehaved out of love. But the whole point of the moral tale was to scare the girls off such romantic notions as 'love' and teach them to stick to the rules, no matter what.

And so, Lilly's way of putting things was absolutely unacceptable for her teacher.

 

"What's so bad about giving in to love?" Lilly wasn't done defending her opinion. "Men are allowed to. Why not women?"

Again, the other pupils giggled. Sarah tugged at Lilly's riding skirt in order to stop her, but the gesture only infuriated her further.

"Let me go, Sarah!" she shouted angrily, then turned again to Miss Hargrove. "Charlotte made a mistake. That can happen. Everybody makes mistakes!"

The children laughed heartily at that - Lilly was right, and they, too, would have appreciated their elders taking a more lenient view on their own mistakes. But Miss Hargrove couldn't quite share this point of view.

"Sit down, Lilly! I can see that you will need much more time yet to grasp what it means to be a lady." Miss Hargrove was in no mood to indulge Lilly's behaviour. She would have to get another lesson about her insubordinate behaviour - after school, in private!

 

While Miss Hargrove found it necessary to instil moral values in her pupils, those same pupils discussed the really important matters away from their teacher in the schoolyard during their lunch break.

"Blood? Are you sure, Sarah?"

Lilly and Sarah sat together on a tree stump whispering. Lilly had been pestering her friend Sarah why she was so subdued and was finally getting an answer – and an outrageous one at that!

Sarah had her menses, something that always made her feel sickly and dirty. She wasn't supposed to talk about these things, but it actually felt good to share this with her younger friend.

"And the blood is coming out of you _for days_?" Lilly asked incredulously.

"Yes," Sarah nodded. Suddenly she remembered that she wasn't supposed to talk 'in public' about these things.

"Don't tell anybody I told you this, Lilly, you hear?"

Immediately, Lilly grew suspicious. _Sarah wanted to make sure no word got out. Why was that?_

"Why? Is it dangerous? Are you ill, Sarah?"

"No. My mother says every woman has that."

"Everyone?" Lilly was shocked. _No. Sarah must be wrong._ Lilly just couldn't believe that every single woman in town would have to go through something like this.

"You must be wrong. Nobody is bleeding without hurting themselves first. There must be a reason for this. Perhaps you did something wrong..."

"No, I didn't!" Sarah was getting angry. _Perhaps Lilly was right, and she was bleeding because she hadn't been as good a girl as she ought to be. Perhaps her mother had lied to her about the reason for the blood – it wouldn't be the first time._

Sarah had caught her mother in many a lie before.

"What are you two talking about?"

 _Miss Hargrove!_ No way Lilly would let her in on anything! With the stubborn look Miss Hargrove knew only too well on her Lilly quickly got up and the two girls ran back into the classroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Made for the cat-house

"No point," Matt said. Ben nodded. _Matt was right. What was to be done?_

For days now they had been trying to teach a young gelding to accept a saddle on his back, but he continued to rear, bite and kick off any saddle within reach.

With a sigh Matt turned and walked to the corral fence, hurling the saddle onto it. The young gelding slowly calmed down under Ben's caresses.

The very first time they had tried to saddle the animal, it had been autumn. When Ben had brought the saddle a bee had stung the young gelding, and it had combined the pain with the saddle. They had calmed down the young horse and tried again, but this time a shot had gone off, and the animal had reared in panic. Rearing up, it had hurt its leg on a nail in the corral fence, and again 'saddle' had meant 'pain'. No matter what Matt or Ben devised to distract him, the young gelding wouldn't let a saddle – that most dangerous of predators – near him again! And so they had decided to give him some more time and try again in spring.

"I thought it'd be better now after a few months," Matt said, scratching his head. "He ain't forgotten anything. What now? We can't saddle him, we can't teach him. What d'we do?"

"Don't know yet." Ben shook his head. "We'll have to think of something." _How to make the animal understand that what was going to happen this time wouldn't cause it any pain?_

Ben shook his head again. _Enough of this! There were other things just as important as the young gelding. Tonight, he would go into town and look up Mattie._

 ~~~

 

She let him in and closed the door behind him. She couldn't help shivering. His face said it all; he was here to repeat what they had done before. She steeled herself for what was to come, for it would hurt again.

 

After an impossibly long moment during which they just looked at each other Ben approached her. Like the last time his palms cupped her cheeks. But this time he kissed her forehead.

"Missed you, Mattie-girl," he whispered, then he took out some of her hairpins, completely destroying her elaborate hairstyle. A few minutes later they were undressed and lying in her bed.

"I didn't mean to scare you, girl," he said, his face buried in her neck. "I thought I meant more to you than just a stash of money earned."

_Could she even begin to explain to him what he really meant to her?_

"You do, Ben," she managed to say, tears choking her. Ben didn't move and didn't look at her.  He just squeezed her tighter.

"Way you touched me it felt as if you were doing business," he said softly right into her hair.

She stiffened at his words. _What other way was there to touch? What was it he meant, what was it he wanted? If he didn't say, how was she to know?_ She felt so helpless!

He pushed himself up and looked at her.

" _Do_ I mean business to you?" he asked bluntly.

She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak. _She would give anything to have her friend back. But how was she going to tell him that?_ Tears were running down her cheeks.

"You never loved a man before?" he asked, his voice even softer than before.

She just kept looking at him.

 

_"Stop fighting and go ahead and do it! That's one of the many games of love!" her mother's voice screamed inside her head._

_A man – her very first – was using force to pry her thighs apart. Mattie fought back with hands and fists and nails, kicking and screaming the place down until her mother approached the bed and dragged the man off her._

_Then her mother had started to hit her..._

_Half an hour later the scene had been repeated, with the girl tied to the bed and the mother standing beside, instructing the girl how to react to her 'lover', how to be 'compliant'. Mattie's only way through this had been to shut down completely. She had been twelve._

_From that day on her mother taught her the numerous 'games of love', and one by one she had learned them, practised them, and perfected the art of not feeling what was going on and what to her was an intolerable intrusion into her innermost being._

 

Ben was still looking at her but he didn't need her answer any longer. The hunted look in her eyes, but even more so her silence, spoke eloquently that she hadn't even understood what he had asked. And he wondered about Mattie's life and the men she had known.

Most whores found a balance somewhere along the road. With regulars they knew and trusted they might even experience orgasms.

But as Ben looked at Mattie now he was pretty sure that she had never felt this release either. Thinking back on all the times he had observed her he realized that he had never seen her relaxed, or laughing, crying, shouting. He had never seen her lower that shield of perfect composure she wore and that was her trademark.

He caressed her forehead and hair. _Patience. It wouldn't be easy, but time and patience would teach her._ He smiled at her.

"Give me a chance, Mattie-girl," he said softly and bent to kiss her neck, and from there on a trail down to her breasts, her belly, and slowly further down along her hip and thigh...

Mattie was getting scared. _She had done all kinds of sexual acts with and for men, but no man had ever wanted to get close to... to be able to sniff... She knew men sometimes hurt a girl when they were excited and out of control! She didn't want to get hurt there...!_

Ben's fingers combed through her curls and he placed his face on top of her still- closed legs. Nudging further down he opened his lips and with his tongue tried to reach her clit. But Mattie couldn't take it. Her fingernails dug into his shoulders and she tried to raise him up.

"Relax," he murmured, but she was too scared. Nobody had ever come close to her in such a way. She just _couldn't_ stay calm.

He gave in and kissed his way up to her neck again. Lying beside her he used his fingers to sneak his way into her. She couldn't relax, didn't know what to do, and it had a sobering effect on Ben. Her reaction reminded him of Rachel and how he had never been able to get close to her, either. _She had only let him fuck her to stay on his ranch, but he had never meant anything to her._

But when he looked at Mattie again, these thoughts vanished. _Mattie was not Rachel. He knew her, knew her well. They had shared talks and laughter._

_In the beginning Mary had always been present, listening to their tales wide-eyed like a child. Then, after Mary's death, they had talked about everything BUT Mary, everything BUT whoring, and so had gotten to know each other really well._

_Mattie had a quick mind and a very practical outlook on life, and she had never found it necessary to hide her opinion during their talks._

_Whatever it was that kept her from acting naturally around him now that they were lovers, he would overcome it._

 

They didn't have sex that night. Instead Ben took Mattie in his arms and in the darkness of her room he spoke to her about Mary. How she had fallen in love with him and he hadn't seen it. How she had hoped he might take her out of the cat-house but been too afraid to speak out. How he had never even contemplated giving her another life.

Mattie's tears wet his chest as he spoke about the guilt he hadn't been able to shake off completely, but she didn't talk. She wasn't used to men baring their souls to her or talking to her as an equal partner as Ben did, and she felt acutely inadequate in the role of confessor. _If this was what proper wives were for their husbands, then her mother had been right: she wasn't fit to be a wife. She simply didn't know what to do or say._

Ben waited in vain for her to say something. _Why didn't she speak? Now was the chance to tell him to take her out of the cat-house. Perhaps she didn't want this, perhaps she felt safer in the company of the girls, didn't want to be with him or on her own. But then, he couldn't be sure until he asked her._

"What about you, Mattie? Do you want to stay on the job? Or do you want to have a shop or something?"

_What had her mother said: 'You'll be a whore, my girl, that's what you'll be, and nothing more!' There was no use pretending otherwise._

"Ben... I'm a whore..."

It was all she could offer as explanation. _It wasn't really necessary to admit to him that she wasn't good enough, was it? She hurt too much already. Certainly he could see for himself that she couldn't compare to a real woman without her having to humiliate herself by speaking it out loud?_

Ben nodded. He understood. _Some women wanted a life in the cat-house where they could make easy money. Some women didn't feel safe being on their own or belonging to a particular man. In the world as it was, their being a whore was the only chance of autonomy for them, the only chance of being able to pack and leave when they felt the need to run. He had seen it with some outlaws as well; they weren't fit for a steady life. Staying put, doing the same job over and over just wasn't the way they were made._

A feeling of bitter disappointment ran through him and he sighed. _If he wanted to make love to Mattie, this was as good as it would get. He would always have to share her._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Misunderstandings

Lilly was relieved that her father wasn't on the ranch that night. Her quarrel with Miss Hargrove and the fact that she had had to stay after school still made her blood boil and her cheeks burn, and there was also the disquieting news about her friend Sarah bleeding that she needed to think about.

But there was also something else... something she felt uncomfortable about.

In her bedroom Lilly stripped. Then she turned the heavy mirror so she could look at herself properly.

Her breasts were hurting... no not really hurting... more like _itching_.

It actually felt good to massage herself, and it helped that itchy feeling that was so distracting. But she couldn't massage herself all the time, could she? She had to be circumspect not to touch herself in school or the ranch in front of anybody!

_Maybe she should talk to her father about this. Maybe there was something wrong with her. Her father would know, wouldn't he?_

 

~~~

 

The moment the horse turned its head and saw the saddle it panicked again. Its shriek stopped everybody in earshot.

Ben had blindfolded the gelding so that Matt might be able to saddle him up and mount, and the trick had worked so far. Matt had managed to fasten the saddle. But then the gelding had shaken the blindfold off, and the moment he had spotted the dangerous predator on his back, he panicked again. He kicked out and screamed and he reared.

It was too dangerous to stay close. Ben was forced to duck out of the way of the kicking hooves and to let go of the rope. The young gelding ran off. Since he was in a corral he couldn't go far. He ran along the corral's fence, its wood scratched at the saddle, and the strange sound scared the animal further. He ran on and on, dragging the rope after him.

Ben closed his eyes and Matt frowned in worry, their imagination getting the better of them. Sooner or later the gelding would inadvertently step on the rope. And then he might fall badly and hurt himself, might even break a leg!

The two men exchanged a look. Their 'trick' had backfired. Now it was even worse. There was no point in approaching the animal as long as it was panic-stricken. The only chance was to let him run and hope that he might exhaust himself. Only then would they be able to touch him again.

_But what if their little ruse had destroyed the animal's trust in them?_

 

~~~

 

_Incredible how a cup of coffee could calm you down!_

Ben sank into one of the armchairs in front of the fireplace to think.

_What to do with that gelding? If they couldn't train him, he couldn't be sold. And since he had already been gelded, he couldn't be used for breeding... well, he wasn't breeding stallion material, anyway. Didn't have the spirit for it. Anyway, the problem remained: that horse couldn't be broken in! - What book was this?_

He reached over and picked it up. _'Charlotte Temple'... must be one of Lilly's._

 

"What book is this, Little Flower?" Lilly was sitting at the table, closing her school books.

"It's from Miss Hargrove," Lilly answered with a dark look. "I'm supposed to read it."

Ben opened it.

" _'For the perusal of the young and thoughtless of the fair sex'_ ," he read aloud.

"Don't you start!" she spat at him.

"Why not? What's wrong with the book?" Ben inquired.

"It's awful!"

"Oh...?"

"It's about a girl who falls in love and runs away with her boyfriend from England to America."

Ben was listening attentively. "And...?"

"And there he falls in love with another woman and leaves her."

"So...?"

"Miss Hargrove has made us read it aloud in school to teach us 'proper decorum'." Lilly's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"But if you've already read it at school why would you have to read it again?" Ben asked.

"There are two chapters left to read. School finishes this week."

"In spring already?"

"Yes. Miss Hargrove received a letter from someone in New Orleans, and now she's going there for some time."

" _Some time?_ "

"She said she's coming back," Lilly said, then added, "I hope she's not."

Ben smirked. In her single-minded rejection of Miss Hargrove his passionate daughter didn't realize that even if Miss Hargrove were to leave Indian Springs forever, there would always be a teacher.

"So, she'll be gone soon," Ben summed up Lilly's information, "and you have to read the book before she leaves and return it?"

"Worse. I have to read the end of the story and then tell the class about it tomorrow." Lilly grimaced when she answered. _One day she would pay Miss Hargrove back for this!_

 

Ben saw the look on Lilly's face and decided to change the subject.

"How about dinner?"

Lilly sighed.

"You want me to prepare dinner while you sit and read?" he offered.

"No! Anything but that!"

Lilly raced to the kitchen chest and started setting out the dishes.

Ben weighed the tiny book in his hand and decided to read it after dinner. _Might be best to know it and be prepared - just in case his little tomboy got up Miss Hargrove's nose again._

 

They were standing amiably at the stove together, preparing some salted meat, eggs and potatoes. _One more week, perhaps two, and they would have fresh food again._

Lilly kept glancing at her father. _Now was the time to ask him about her body. But how to say it out loud? There weren't any words for this, were there? - Or should she ask him about the bleeding first? - No! That must be one of Sarah's outrageous stories, and she would only make a fool of herself for repeating it!_

"Daddy..."

"Hm....?"

"Nothing... I wish it was summer.”

"Yeah," Ben nodded, "me, too. Can't stand the dried meat any longer. Don't worry, Little Flower. Summer will come. I promise you that."

She smiled. _Wasn't this typical? As if her father was personally responsible for the seasons. - Well... she wouldn't mind if he were..._

"Not soon enough."

"Why?"

"I want to go bathing with you."

 _Bathing!_ Ben felt a shock at her words! _Impossible! Not with her body changing in front of his very eyes. It was hard enough dealing with the thought of her becoming a woman, of his little girl growing up and leaving him one day... but to actually strip in front of her and see her strip... no!_

"We're not going bathing any more, Lilly." His voice was hard, much too hard for the occasion, but he didn't notice. In his panic to evade a confrontation that was sure to come, he overshot his mark.

"Why not?" Lilly didn't understand.

"Because I say so!"

Again, his words were unwise, but he didn't perceive it. He pretended to be busy cracking and stirring eggs.

"You want one egg or two for dinner, Lilly?" he asked, but his daughter's thoughts weren't on the food. _He didn't want her to be with him any more!_

"I'm not hungry!" she yelled and ran out of the house.

 

It was already dark when Ben heard her return and walk up to her room. He listened to the sounds of her washing and getting ready for bed and was tempted to walk over and talk to her.

Lilly was passionate, always had been. Usually he was the one to smooth out their quarrels and make sure they were close again. But this time he didn't go. _Why should he always be the one? Wouldn't hurt if his stubborn daughter became a little more accommodating in her dealings with others..._

 

~~~

 

"Don't cry, Sandy. There's nothing to cry about."

William's word fell on deaf ears. Only a few weeks ago Sandy had been so thrilled when William had carried her over the threshold of the Evans Ranch, and now she was close to running off to the saloon again.

"Every beginning is hard."

"I can't even peel potatoes right," Sandy sniffed. "Susan was laughing at me - said she already did that when she was nine years old!"

_Susan!_

William rolled his eyes. He could cheerfully strangle his sister-in-law. From day one she had made it her goal to let Sandy feel inferior, as if her coming from the cat-house meant they all had to keep Sandy in thrall. Last time it was laundry, and this time peeling potatoes. It didn't really matter, anyway. It was always the same thing: Susan tried everything she could to belittle Sandy. The thing that hurt William the most, though, was that his mother didn't interfere.

"I didn't marry you so you work your fingers to the bone for me, Sandy. You'll learn. I'm sure you will." He chuckled. "If Susan learned it at age nine, then she's had plenty more practice than you now, didn't she?"

Sandy had to laugh at that.  "Smarty-pants."

_That boyish smile! How she loved it when he smiled at her like that!_

"Coming down with me to eat?"

But Sandy shook her head. She couldn't face William's family. Not tonight.

 

~~~

 

"And what did you say his name was, Mr. Jones?"

"Ben Warner, Mr. Cornelsen. The money came from him."

"Hm..."

Cornelsen, fifty-five, tall, blond, of Swedish stock and enormous width and voice, took the big cigar he was smoking out of his mouth and smiled.

"And what did he get out of it?" he asked. In his experience, nobody did anything charitable without an ulterior motive.

"Nothing," Jones said. "He gave that money so the town could survive."

"He must be a God-fearing man," Cornelsen's daughter said.

Mr. Jones looked at the young girl. She looked almost exactly like her father except for her slenderness. Her father responded to his daughter's remark with a scoffing.

"Bullshit. If he is a businessman and knows the worth of money, then there must be some gain in this. A high interest rate?" he asked Mr. Jones.

Jones shook his head.

"He doesn't get any interest at all. And he gave us two years to pay back half the money, and another two years for the rest."

Cornelsen shook his head, deeply in thought. _The drought had had its effect: quite a few places had turned into ghost towns because of it. He had come to find out why Indian Springs hadn't shared their fate. Being told that it had been because of a man giving his money to the town – interest-free – didn't make sense._

Cornelsen took a big puff. _He definitely wanted to meet that man._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Fathers and daughters

Another kick towards Matt, and both saddle and man landed in the dust. Ben led the gelding away while Matt scrambled up on his feet and spit out dust.

"You okay?" Ben asked over his shoulder as he lunged the gelding to make him let off his steam.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Matt mumbled and shook his head. He was at his wit's end.

"You should try it without a saddle," Lilly called from the corral's end.

"Try what?" her father asked.

"Try to ride him," she explained.

"You crazy or what?" Ben asked. "You can't break in a horse bareback." He shook his head in disbelief. _His daughter wasn't usually dumb._

Lilly had seen his gesture and interpreted it, and it irked her.

"He's scared of the saddle, not of anybody mounting," she explained. "Once he learns to carry a man, he will learn to carry a saddle, too."

Ben scoffed. "You must be out of your mind," he stated. "I'm not gonna let Matt or any other man mount an unbroken horse without a saddle."

"Then I'll try it," Lilly said. She slipped through the railings and came into the corral. Ben stopped the gelding. _Was she serious? No, she couldn't be._

When Lilly moved to the gelding's side and grabbed into his mane at the withers in order to mount him, Ben's hand painfully squeezed her arm and he jerked her away forcefully.

"Are you out of your mind?" he hissed.

"Daddy..." Lilly started, but he only jerked her away further, nearly throwing her off her feet.

"No!"

"But, Daddy..."

"How often do I have to say 'no' for you to listen?" For once he was really upset with his daughter, images of her being hurtled from the horse's back and being killed getting the better of him. He raised his voice, and the gelding at his side started to prance nervously.

"You trying to teach me something here? Think Matt and I don't know what we're doing?"

Stubborn and with a dark look on her face, Lilly stood in front of him, her fists on her hips. But whenever she wanted to open her mouth to say something, he shouted her down, until she just turned and left.

Like a balloon that got deflated Ben stood and hung his head. This wasn't how he wanted to deal with her, but sometimes her stubbornness just drove him crazy! And the images her dauntlessness had created were not easy to get rid of.

The gelding was slobbering on Ben's arm in an attempt to groom. Absent-mindedly, Ben scratched his neck. He exchanged a look with Matt.

Matt shook his head. Whether it was a comment on Lilly's foolishness or about the gelding Ben didn’t know. He answered by shaking his head, too, and then led the gelding out of the corral. The lesson was over.

 

 

At that moment a wagon approached the ranch yard. A very fat man and a slender young woman were sitting in it. The livery boy steered the horses. What was strange, though, was that Tommy was with them.

Ben frowned. _Tommy never left the bank early. He was practically married to his job, and now he came home in the middle of the day. What was going on?_

 

An hour later Mr. Matthew Cornelsen, banker in the industrious city of Chicago and his demure daughter Elizabeth Ann were making themselves comfortable in the two spare bedrooms of the 'Horseshoe Ranch'.

After listening to the pompous introduction Mr. Cornelsen had given of themselves, but even more so after seeing Tommy eye the slender young girl with a look of adoration, Ben had decided to invite them to stay as their guests.

He wasn't sure yet what to make of Cornelsen, but the man had such a burning desire to impress, Ben just couldn't resist the temptation of keeping him on the ranch.

It had been years since he had met and toyed with someone as annoying as Cornelsen. To Ben the man simply seemed perfect for a little game of cat-and-mouse.

It wasn't Ben's only motive, though. The young girl didn't only impress Tommy, she touched a corner in Ben's heart that had never been stirred before.  He felt strangely paternal and benevolent towards her, almost as if he was a godparent or a caring uncle...

_Wouldn't be bad to have a woman on the ranch for a few weeks now that the school was closed and Lilly was around every day._

 

During dinner Tommy launched into a report about how they had managed to get the town through the drought.

Cornelsen was listening attentively, asking detailed questions, and Tommy answered him, for once confident in what he was doing. Occasionally, Ben smiled at Tommy's exuberance, though. _Tommy was taking credit where it wasn't due. After all, if the drought had worn on for several years instead of just one year, they would all have had to pack and leave, no matter how clever Jones' distribution of money had been. Nobody could sit through a drought for several years._

But instead of reprimanding his son Ben's eyes kept glancing at the young woman at his table. Elizabeth Ann was taken completely with Tommy. Wide-eyed she followed his every gesture, drank in his every word.

_Nice-looking girl. A bit on the shy and silent side, but this might just be a first impression. Once she got to know them all, she might turn out to be more lively._

 

"Daddy... do you think you could teach the gelding without having to use a saddle?" Lilly asked.

The question brought Ben back from his musings.

Tommy frowned. Not only was he unaware of what his sister was talking about, he felt ignored. _What did she know about the enormity of saving a whole town?_

"Don't know, Lilly," Ben answered and broke off a chunk of his bread to soak up the grease on his plate. "Looks like he just won't forget, no matter what we do. Maybe in the end we can't use him at all."

"And then what?" Lilly asked.

Ben looked at her with serious eyes.

"If we can't use him we'll have to shoot him."

"Daddy!"

"What?"

Ben's gaze was unwavering. He was well aware of the fact that Elizabeth Ann had taken in a shocked breath and that Cornelsen was watching him closely – no doubt to gauge what kind of man he was.

Tommy puckered his mouth in disgust: horses, horses, horses - that was all they ever talked about on this ranch! Even Mr. Cornelsen was listening now.

"You can't just shoot a horse simply because it's not 'useful'," Lilly said.

"And what do I do with it? Feed it for the rest of its life and look at it when it's grazing in the meadow? Lilly, we breed horses to sell them, not to keep them as pets."

"Not every horse makes a good breeding horse. Some are better for working."

"That's true," Ben admitted. "Thing is, though, that horse is a gelding. No breeding possible. So, he will have to be a working horse. Either this animal learns to accept a saddle, or I'll have to get rid of it."

"He could learn - if you didn't use a saddle."

Ben's look at Lilly said _'don't test me, girl'_ , but then he decided to let her talk. Maybe if she kept talking for long enough, she would contradict herself and see the folly of her idea.

"Go ahead..."

"Forget about the saddle," Lilly continued. "He mustn't even see one. Take him to a place he likes - perhaps the big meadow..."

"Where he's running off, right?"

Lilly groaned in frustration. _Why didn't her father understand what she was getting at?_

"When he's somewhere he's not afraid, you can start again and you can teach him anything!"

Ben's eyes began to smile. Her enthusiasm was infectious. Naturally, what she suggested was stupid, but he just loved to see her so passionate about something!

Cornelsen watched their exchange. He didn't understand how Ben could let his daughter talk back at him like that. _He, Cornelsen, would have taught that insolent girl some manners!_

 

Lilly was unaware of Cornelsen's attitude. Her childish voice was bright and clear, and she would never have thought of lowering it. _After all, she had something important to say!_

"First you have to teach him that it doesn't hurt having anything on his back. Anything _but_ a saddle. Then you can put weight on his back. And only _after_ he's learned to be a working horse and knows what he's doing you can show him a saddle again. And then, when he has learned that the saddle doesn't harm him, he can work with a saddle."

"And how long do you think that's gonna take?" Ben asked, not yet convinced. _They had more than forty youngsters to train and couldn't waste all their time on just one horse!_

Lilly shrugged her shoulders. "Don't know. But he's a clever one. He'll learn."

Her faith in their horses was unconquered, although there were always some which didn't turn out as well as was expected of them. But Lilly conveniently ignored this.

 _Perhaps she was right,_ Ben thought. _If you started with doubts about a horse's abilities, you never got the best out of them._

Lilly saw that her father was thinking it over, and he was. _Matt should have a say in that. Let him hear her idea. Basically, Lilly was right. There was no use in killing a perfectly good horse, just because he was a little slow learning._

"Daddy..."

"Okay, Little Flower. Explain your idea to Matt, and if he says yes, we can try."

Calmly, Ben reached for another piece of bread. It was only now that he became aware of the silence at the table. Cornelsen was fixing him with a strange look Ben couldn't quite place.

He looked over at the girl. Elizabeth Ann had been staring at him in that doe-like way of hers. When she became aware of his eyes on her, she quickly looked at her plate, blushing and hoping that he wouldn't address her.

_What a strange man! First he talked about shooting an innocent horse, but then he let his daughter talk back to him in front of everybody. And he was listening to what she said, and even agreeing. Unbelievable. She had never before seen a man like him! - And now he was looking at her. Oh no! Please, dear God... no questions, no conversation. She wouldn't know what to do!_

Ben had glimpsed Elizabeth Ann's stare and saw her thoughts chase each other around in her mind. _She was such a sweet girl, but she acted like a shy little mouse around him. And his conversation with Lilly had probably intimidated her even further. Pity._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Who owns a saloon girl?

"Don't cry, Sandy," William murmured, squeezing her while she cried her fill. It didn't help.

"You will learn. Be patient with yourself. In a few months you'll laugh when you think back to this moment..."

"You told me so weeks ago," Sandy sobbed. "How much longer are you going to tell me? Months? Years?"

 _She was right,_ William thought. _They had had the perfect relationship while Sandy had still been at the saloon. All the problems had started when he had brought her into his family. Sandy was simply too outspoken for both Mark and Susan. His mother might have accepted her eventually, but with the constant nagging from Susan and with Mark's added derogatory remarks, Sandy's self-worth diminished more and more. And while he, William, could ride off and spend the day away from home with the cattle, Sandy's whole world revolved around the chores she was allotted in the house. – How to make her understand how much she meant to him?_

"You know," he said tentatively, "we don't have to stay here. If you want us to, we'll leave Indian Springs."

For a moment she was silent, pondering the idea.

"Is that what you want?" she finally asked.

"No." William shook his head. "But you are more important than them. If you want us to, we'll leave."

Sandy didn't answer. She just snuggled up more to her husband... _William... her love..._

William wracked his brain to find a solution. _There HAD to be a way to make life easier for her. Sandy... his soft angel with the golden hair..._

 

~~~

 

Out of the corner of his eye Ben saw that Cornelsen was watching him as he stroked his horse. He chuckled softly. It hadn't taken him long to suss out the man; Cornelsen wasn't that complicated. His major drive was money and the power it brought in its wake, but Ben had yet to find out if that was his _only_ motivation in life.

Fetlocks slobbered on his sleeve. After Ribbon's death he had singled out the mare to become his riding horse.

Slowly, the ever-present cigar fuming, Cornelsen walked up to stand beside Ben.

"A nice horse you have there – a mare, I take it."

Ben turned to acknowledge him but didn't answer.

"Why isn't she with the other mares, the ones who got foals?" Cornelsen asked.

"She ain't no good mother, this one," Ben answered.

"But why don't you sell her then?"

"No need," Ben replied and his hand tenderly combed the mare's forelock, a gesture she answered with a soft snort.

"I need me a good riding horse. Mare here is sweet, never gives me no trouble."

God knew why he suddenly refused to speak properly; the inbuilt arrogance of the man beside him just provoked it.

When he became aware of what he was doing, Ben chuckled at himself. _There was no need to fool Cornelsen further; the man underestimated him, anyway._

Ben's judgement of Fetlocks, however, was the truth. Fetlocks had indeed proved to be a problem mother, neglecting two of her foals. Ben could have sold her to the Army during the drought, but he hadn't wanted to part with her. Whenever he touched her he remembered her birth and with it a small boy of eight hugging him and staring at him in adoration.

And then, Fetlocks looked like Ribbon – sometimes she even had the same facial expression. He had always been partial to black horses, and so he had designated her to become his riding horse.

 

Cornelsen smiled a smile that was more condescending than benign. _He had obviously overestimated Ben Warner. Just because Warner had given money to the town didn't mean he was a clever businessman. And the planning had been done by others, anyway, Tommy and Mr. Jones. Ben Warner had helped the town because of his attachment to Tommy. He seemed to be one of those men governed by feelings rather than rationality – almost like a woman!_

_Why else would he keep an animal that wasn't turning a profit? Why else would he indulge that daughter of his? No. It would seem that Tommy was the brain in the family. He was the one he needed to find out about..._

"Have you seen Tommy?" he asked Ben.

"No," Ben answered. Tommy had taken Elizabeth Ann on a stroll to show her the ranch, but why should he tell Cornelsen that? Tommy was falling hard for Elizabeth Ann, but she did hardly dare open her mouth when her father was around.

_Wouldn't hurt to give those two young people some time on their own..._

 

 

Tommy and Elizabeth Ann hadn't gone far. Just as far as the barn, actually. They were standing in the semi-darkness as Tommy launched into a few tales about Indian Springs and its inhabitants, tales Elizabeth Ann didn't listen to.

_Tommy. Why did her heart flutter like a bird in its cage when he was near? Was this love?_

His voice swept over her and he came closer... closer... close enough to touch. She kept staring at him, his face, his mouth, his lips...

They were just about to kiss... when the barn door opened and Ben came inside.

Flaming red, Elizabeth Ann turned and fled, her swishing skirt brushing Ben's trousers as she hurried past him through the barn door. Ben looked at Tommy, who answered with a defiant look. Then he moved to follow Elizabeth Ann.

"Tommy..." Ben's voice stopped him. Tommy turned and looked at his father.

"You want to be careful with this girl. Her father's around, you know."

It was the only warning Ben would offer. Tommy was an adult, and as such he was responsible for his own conduct and its consequences.

Tommy nodded. _He knew what he was doing._

 

The picture of Tommy and Elizabeth Ann almost kissing in the barn stayed with Ben all evening. When the ranch was quiet and everybody was fast asleep, he saddled Fetlocks and quietly left for town.

 

~~~

 

Mattie was in her room entertaining a customer when Ben arrived at the saloon. A few minutes later Ben saw Jeremiah Jones leave her room, a satisfied look on his face.

A wave of jealousy swept over Ben. Confused, he turned away from Jones and took a large gulp of his beer. _What was the matter with him? Mattie was a whore. She satisfied men. There was absolutely no reason to believe that a man like Jones would treat her badly. And even if he did, she had made it plain that she wanted to stay in the cat-house. He had no hold over her. He better come to grips with that!_

 

Jones left. Ben stood at the bar all by himself and drank his beer. Mattie didn't show up until a quarter hour later, her face a mask of elegance and composure.

_Was it his imagination or was she paler than usual this evening?_

As she came down the stairs she didn't see Ben. As was her habit, her eyes swept over his favourite table in the corner, but he wasn't sitting there tonight.

_Had that just been a sigh? Was she pining for him? Or was she relieved that he wasn't there?_

She didn't join the men at the bar, and she didn't go over to the poker players but collected empty glasses from the tables instead. Ben saw her move – elegance and grace personified. He revelled in the fact that for once he could observe her without her knowledge.

 

The swinging doors moved and Donald Burns entered the saloon. Mattie spotted Burns, and suddenly Ben saw fear in her eyes. But Burns turned towards the bar, and her expression became blank again.

Suddenly, Ben remembered Lilly's words from earlier that evening.

_Could it be that Mattie, too, had learned the wrong thing? Could it be that somewhere along the line she had learned to link sex – her work – with pain? Just like that gelding that still refused to let a saddle come close, because once it had meant 'pain' for him?_

It was a disconcerting thought, but as Ben remembered their intimate encounters he couldn't quite dismiss it.

 _If she really_ had _learned the wrong way, could he make her 'unlearn' those lessons? And if so, how was he to do this? Lilly's idea was to give the gelding a completely new start. How 'different' would his, Ben's, approach have to be for Mattie?_

 

He observed her move between the tables, dealing with the remarks of the men nearby in her usual calm way.

One of the men at the poker table grabbed her wrist to stop her from moving away, and she talked to him. Ben watched as the man let her go, said something and handed her a bank note.

She walked over to the other end of the bar and brought the man a whisky. He smiled at her and looked her over. For a moment Ben thought he would drop the cards and prefer to lead her up to her room, but obviously his hand was too good, for he downed the whisky Mattie had brought and proudly displayed his hand, pocketing the jackpot to the dismay of his fellow-players.

 

Burns had finished his drink and approached Mattie. Again, Ben saw fear in her eyes. Quickly, he put down his beer – but then deliberately stopped himself from walking over.

_He shouldn't interfere. She didn't belong to him. She could deal with her customers on her own. She might want to have the chance to make some money with Burns first before being with him... No!_

_Her look had this withdrawn quality that he knew only too well. She didn't want to service Burns, but she didn't dare refuse him, either. He had to step in now!_

 

"Evenin', Mattie..."

"Ben!" _She had thought about him, wished it were him instead of Burns who wanted her services. How could he suddenly materialize out of thin air?_

Ben saw her eyes sparkle when she recognized him.

_Her voice and look said it all: she was relieved he was here. Money or not, customer or not, he would not let Burns touch her!_

 

"Warner...?"

Burns' greeting sounded almost like a question. It wasn't customary for anybody to interfere in the dealings of a whore and her customer.

"Sorry, Burns, but the lady is busy with me tonight."

Calmly, Ben took Mattie's hand and kissed her knuckles.

"I was here first, Warner."

Mattie tensed. Burns didn't want to give in. He was a hard man, she knew that only too well from their encounters. _She would have to service him first. Service him and satisfy him – otherwise he might take it out on Ben._

"We arranged it already yesterday, Burns," Ben lied. "Choose another girl."

"You always stay the night," Burns shot back. "Why don't you wait half an hour, then you can have her."

Mattie blanched. Burns was steering towards trouble. He was a mean one; she knew him. _He wouldn't mind hurting Ben._

"You better choose someone else," Ben said, a slight growl entering his voice.

The people around them had grown quiet and were listening in. Indian Springs was a quiet little town with a quiet community. Unlike Pah-Rimpi which had turned into a haven for cowboys, businessmen, desperados and even the occasional outlaw, brawls in the saloon in Indian Springs were rare.

And although Mattie Silk was in demand, none of her customers had ever found it necessary to start a fight.

Burns wasn't sure how to react to Ben Warner's words. Warner had once intimidated him before... years ago, when he had found out about his, Burns', involvement in stealing foals from his ranch.

But he had never followed that up with any action against him, and so, over the years, Donald Burns had begun to see Ben Warner as he had thought of him before, a rancher, different than most, but still, _only a rancher..._

"Perhaps we should let Miss Silk decide," Burns said with a smug smile in Mattie's direction.

Mattie knew this was a no-win situation. _No matter which of the men she might choose, the other one would take it personal._

 

Ben turned, her hand still in his, and looked into Mattie's eyes. They reflected her fear. Again, he lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles.

"You go ahead, darlin'," he said with a nod towards the stairs. "I'm coming up in a minute."

Mattie obeyed, inwardly shivering with fear. She had spent her whole life among whores and their customers. She knew that it was by no means certain that it would be Ben who would be coming up eventually...

 

Ben turned back to Burns.

"There's nothing to decide here, Burns," he said quietly. "Have another drink and then choose another girl."

Burns didn't miss the slight growl that had entered Ben's voice, nor had anybody else within earshot.

He didn't want to lose face, but when he tried to stare Ben Warner down, Ben's eyes became hard, and suddenly Burns remembered why he had given in so easily to the unexpected visitor in his living room... years ago...

Burns turned to the bar and signalled Harris to bring him another drink.

_Ben Warner might have won for now, but he couldn't be around every night..._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. A life without laughter

The knock at her door made her jump.

"Who is it?"

Nobody answered.

Cautiously, Mattie opened the door - and beheld Ben.

"Gonna let me in?" he asked when she just stood staring at him.

Mattie let go of the door handle, took a step backwards, and Ben stepped inside.

As soon as he had kicked the door shut behind him, she was in his arms, shivering with relief.

"What did he do to you to make you scared of him, girl?" Ben asked, but she only shook her head and held onto him.

 

_It was one of the unwritten laws of any brothel that no information about customers was ever publicised. The girls might share information as help or warning to each other, but no customer would learn anything about another customer - lest enmity or murder ensued. If something happened, it was mostly the girls who lost. Everybody knew that, and discreetness was a guarantee nobody dared to part with..._

Ben knew the score, but somehow he didn't believe himself to be subject to that rule. After all, he was no 'customer', was he?

 

"You want me gone, or you want me to stay the night?" he whispered in Mattie's hair, burying his face in the softness of her curls.

_Going down into the saloon again - where Burns might be waiting for her? Anything but that!_

"Please stay, Ben," she whispered back and could feel his mouth smile in her hair.

 

He let go and walked around to her back. His fingers opened the laces of her dress and then those of her bodice.

When his hand touched bare flesh, he could feel her tense. Immediately, that young gelding came to mind again - only seemingly obedient to the lunge and the given commands, but secretly eyeing the saddle further off, awaiting disaster...

 

"Undress, girl," he said softly. "Let me see you."

_There was no harm in that._

Obediently, Mattie got out of her clothes while Ben did the same and then sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Come here, Mattie-girl."

He held out his hand and she stepped closer. When their hands touched, he opened his knees and guided her to stand between them in front of him.

He let go of her hand and placed his hands on her slender hips, drawing her closer still.

Gingerly, she took another step in his direction, not sure what he wanted from her. She didn't know what to do with her hands, and so she placed them on his shoulders. He looked up at her as she looked down on him.

She had barely time to see the sudden mischievous smile grow on his face when he had already turned her body around him so she fell on the bed. She shrieked when she felt her feet lose ground, and in her panic she gripped into Ben's shoulders, drawing him with her. Their torsos came to lie on the bed - Mattie firmly crushed under Ben's weight - with both their legs and feet sticking out.

 

Ben laughed at her surprise and arranged himself so he could push himself up on his elbows. For leverage, one of his knees found a place between her legs, pushing her knees apart, and, immediately, he felt her tense again.

_Yes. It was almost the classical position for entering her._

Mattie looked at him and tried to read in his face, but he reacted too fast for her, surprising both of them, by suddenly tickling her side.

 

She squirmed. The tickle was so unexpected, she didn't even laugh. She was almost shocked at the gesture. It was so unknown to her, the mere concept of tickling and laughter had not found a place in her life yet. She simply tried to evade his hand.

And then she saw his smug smile.

The next tickle was harder - and it was merciless. No matter how much she squirmed under him, he wouldn't let go of her.

"No..."

Her hands tried to push him off her, but she stood no chance.

" _'No'...what?_ " he asked, and when she didn't answer, he shifted so that he could reach one of her feet and tickled its sole.

She kicked his hands away - and stopped in shock! _She hadn't meant to fight him, hadn't meant to hurt. What would he do now?_

 

But Ben only launched himself at her again. She struggled on - but she could no longer remain silent. He tickled her sides and she laughed - he tickled her feet, and she begged him to stop. He held both her hands with one of his and his second hand tickled under her armpits, then along her side. She tried to evade his hands, and so he suddenly changed his tactic and a fingertip went up and into one ear... Mattie groaned and shrieked and laughed...

And then she relaxed.

His playfulness had broken the spell.

 

After what seemed like an eternity of tickling and laughter to Mattie, Ben took her in his arms and blew out the candle. In the semi-darkness he asked her to tell him about her life, and – reluctantly – she did.

"Where do you come from, Mattie?"

"Boston."

"And your parents?"

"Never knew my father. Only my mother."

"You miss her?"

"No."

That had come so fast, he didn't know what to make of it.

"She still alive?" he asked tentatively.

"Don't know," Mattie answered. Her voice was cold.

His hand stroked over her arm reassuringly. _He had tread on dangerous territory here, it was obvious._

"How old were you when you left her?"

 

_"Go away! Go away you traitor!" her mother's voice screeched in her head. "You Judas! I taught you all you know, and now them men only want the little girl! You wait and see... you won't always be a sweet sixteen...!"_

 

"Sixteen," Mattie whispered and Ben could feel her body go rigid. He hugged her tighter.

"Let's go to sleep," he said softly.

Mattie heard his words and took a relieved breath, snuggling up to him. _He didn't want sex any longer. And he was still here with her. She couldn't remember ever having been so happy: she had her friend back!_

 

~~~

 

_Seventeen dollars and twenty cents. Not a chance. Not a chance to leave this place and start somewhere else, no matter what he had told her._

William stared at the money he had spread on their bed. _Even if they just packed and left,, starting somewhere from scratch, it wouldn't work. And he still owed Ben Warner money. He couldn't just leave behind debts for others to pay._

"William..."

Sandy's voice was soft.

As William looked at her, he had a hard time finding the woman he had married. Sandy looked tired and unkempt. While she had still been at the saloon she had always taken pains to pin her hair up and curl it. But since working on the farm she didn't have the patience for this any more. At night, she sunk into their bed and was asleep within minutes.  _How was it possible that such a short time had changed her so much? When had he last seen her smile? When had they last made love? Or laughed together like they used to in her small room in the saloon?_

His worried look pained her – but she misinterpreted its cause.

"We can't leave, William. Not because of the money. I'd go anywhere with you, even without a single cent. We can't go because you'll miss your mother and your brother."

A deep sigh answered her.

_Sandy was right. He had been responsible for his mother and brother from age fourteen. He couldn’t shake that off like an old cloak. His mother might like Susan more than Sandy, but he knew that she relied on him, William, for the running of the farm – not on his brother Mark, who was busier promoting piety in the town community than tending to their ranch._

Sandy sat down on the bed beside William and took his hand. He looked at her, and the pain in his face that could still look so boyish when he smiled got to her.

Softly, her hand stroked his cheeks. Exhaling deeply, he let his head sink in the hollow between her neck and her shoulder. Sandy's arm snaked around his back and she held him.

"Don't worry," she murmured. "We'll manage. I've just been impatient. I will try harder." _A lot of good that would do! Not while Susan had it in for her. But for William's sake it would have to be done._

 

~~~

 

Rid of school - at least for the time being - and far away from Miss Hargrove and her intention of making a 'lady' out of her, Lilly had taken up the training of the gelding.

Both Ben and Matt had agreed to let the animal enjoy another two weeks in the paddock, and then try again.

Lilly had Ben believe that Matt would watch the gelding and give the signal when he thought it wise to resume training, and Lilly told Matt that her father had agreed to let the gelding enjoy a few weeks without interference so that he could calm down.

"Come here, boy... come here... good boy."

Being alone in the paddock all day the horse immediately latched onto Lilly whenever she showed up, enjoying her cuddles and the titbits she brought along.

"Good boy."

_Yes, just as she had thought._

The gelding didn't mind a blanket on his back. Lilly hauled a saddle bag filled with her school books onto his back next, and although the movement was a bit sudden and the weight on his back a bit strange, the gelding didn't mind. He trusted the girl. He turned his head to sniff the leather bag but that was it. Lilly could lead him by the halter, and he calmly went everywhere she wanted him to go.

_Brilliant. She would have him trained in no time!_

 

~~~

 

"Hello, lassie..."

"Jason! You're here?" Lucy screamed and ran over for a passionate hug and a swing.

"What are you doing in town?" she asked.

"We're getting new groceries, the boss and I. So I thought I'd say hello."

"Yes, Mr. Warner is here. He's upstairs with Mattie."

 _Why should he bother about Mattie when there was the sweetest girl right there in front of him?_ Jason just stood, looking at Lucy.

Harris, the barkeeper, stopped wiping the glasses and watched them both standing there, moon-eyed, smiling at each other.

"You know, lassie, you look even better in them simple dresses with your hair all loose," Jason said, pointing to Lucy's plain skirt and blouse.

_Wasn't he cute? The only man in the whole town who looked into her eyes instead of her cleavage or under her skirt. Jason was such a darling._

 

"Off you go, Lucy," the barkeeper said.

"Off?" Lucy echoed, not knowing what he meant. It was her turn to help put the saloon in order. Harris just shook his head at her, smiling.

"I'll manage, don't you worry. You have a good time, you two."

"Fancy a stroll through town and a few sweet cakes?" Jason asked. "Got me a month's pay with me," he added with a wide grin.

Laughing, Lucy ran off to fetch a bonnet and her bag and the two left arm in arm.

 

Mattie's giggling was so loud and uninhibited, it rang out to Harris as he swept the floor. His head turned up towards the closed door behind which Ben and Mattie had vanished only half an hour ago.

"No....!"

She tried to evade his hands by scrambling off the bed, but Ben caught her and hauled her back, handling her easily until she came to lie under him. Exhausted from laughter, she lay helpless, her face flushed, her breasts heaving, her hair completely messed up...

 _What a sight! The girl in his arms was so young!_ Ben didn't know Mattie's age, but she couldn't be more than thirty. _And he was... what? 54 now. – What would she look like at 54 herself? Her fiery red hair streaked with grey, her small chiselled face ageing slowly. Perhaps her body would get rounder and fuller with age... she really was way too skinny!_

"What is it?" Mattie asked as his look had changed from smug to serious, and from serious to wistful.

_He was so hard to read at times. What was on his mind? Was it something she had done wrong?_

A vicious light stole into his eyes, and the corners of his lips turned up in a small smile. Without warning he launched himself on her and tickled her again. She gave a shriek.

"Beg for mercy," he growled at her, but she couldn't. He had to wait for her to catch her breath first.

"Mercy," she whispered, and his finger traced her cheekbone. His eyes grew darker with want.

"Mattie-girl," he whispered back and kissed her, a kiss that was so passionate that, again, she was left breathless.

When he broke their kiss for a moment he had to find his bearings again. As passionate as his encounters with various saloon girls could be – there had only ever been _one woman_ with whom he had laughed...

The memory hit him from out of nowhere, and it hit him hard. As much as he enjoyed playing with Mattie and making her laugh, the memory that had suddenly materialized stopped him dead in his tracks.

A lush, soft woman rose in front of his inner eye, and a feeling of pain swept through him that took him by surprise. _It was years ago that he had thought of her... why now?_

 

Mattie had observed the change in him but she couldn't understand it.

"Ben...?" Her hand cautiously touched his bearded cheek and he shook his head to chase the memory away.

_Mattie-girl... her eyes were scared again. Scared she might have done something wrong. She was still so fragile._

With a growl he held her hands above her head and pinned her there.

"Game over. Give up, Mattie," he growled playfully and saw her relax and smile again. _Time to do something for her._ "Come," he said, releasing her hands, "sit up. I've got an idea."

 

"You like it?" he purred, his voice soft in her ear. He was sitting with his back against the headboard of the bed and Mattie sat in front of him. Her back was towards him and his hands massaged her shoulders. _She was so thin! She definitely needed to fill out!_

Sometimes Ben longed to drag her out to his ranch and feed her... feed her until she was round and soft... and warm. She always felt cool to his touch, and when she snuggled up to him in bed her hands and feet were freezing.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. A house for Sandy

"Deeper. It will have to be a lot deeper to make sure the drain still hits the water level even when there is less rain."

"William!"

Alice Evans' voice was raised in anger. William turned and looked. There she sat, tall upright, looking incredulously at the scene in front of her.  At the far end of their land, well out of sight of their farm house twenty men were busy digging a well and laying the foundations to a new house.

 

"Mark told me that you had men coming over with tools and building materials. What is this about?"

William took a deep breath. He knew that his mother wouldn't be sent away. After all, she was still head of the family. _But this was for Sandy!_ he reminded himself.

Silently, he tied his horse to the wagon, climbed up and took the reins out of his mother's hands. Then he turned the horses and they drove slowly back to their farm house.

"I am building a house for Sandy and me," William explained. "The men have agreed to help me with the work, and as payment they get cattle."

"Cattle? We've just stocked up after last year's drought. We can't afford to lose cattle now."

"It won't be just yet. They'll wait until we have the next calves. And it'll be from _my share_ of the cattle herd, mother."

Alice knew what that tone of voice meant; William was not willing to give in. She kept looking at him, a curt nod and her serious look both willing him to continue.

"Sandy needs a home of her own."

His mother's expression changed, but before she could say anything he added,

"and so do I. Or do you think it nice when Mark and Susan comment on our love life?"

"William!"

"What?" he asked, stopping the wagon and looking straight at his mother.

Alice Evans couldn't suppress a smile. _William was such a good young man! And he was right. They were a young couple. They needed to be on their own. After all, the memories of Dan and herself in their own house before the birth of their sons William and Mark were the best memories of her life._

"You are a good husband, William. Sandy is really lucky."

A boyish grin settled on her son's face, a grin that reminded her of Dan at the beginning of their marriage.

_Dan... she hadn't thought of him in ages. He had always been so secretive, bound to carry the world's weight on his shoulders. Not like William, who spoke his mind openly and took action, sometimes too rashly. But William's motives were right; whatever he did, he did it for his wife and for his family. And she would support their wish to leave the house and live on their own._

 

~~~

 

"By the way – how did it go in school, Little Flower?" Ben asked.

"Huh...?" _School had finished loooong ago... what did he mean?_

"You know, the book you were supposed to read."

"Oh, that. Not good." Lilly's face shut down.

Ben gave her a sidelong glance.

"What happened?"

"You know... Charlotte... the _heroine_ dies in the tale. Her father comes to take care of her child, taking it back to England with him."

Ben listened attentively. He had read the book. Naturally, he had identified with the father of the girl. In the book the father came too late to save his daughter. All he could do was bury her and take care of her illegitimate child.

 

"And then Mrs. Crayton - that's the woman whose fault it is that Charlotte left her family and her country... well, she's broke and ill and desolate. And she is taken in by Charlotte's father, and he helps her! Can you believe that?"

Ben didn't answer. But then he didn't need to. He _knew_ what was coming, what Lilly was getting at.

"And when I said to Miss Hargrove it was wrong of him to do that, Miss Hargrove said that he _'forgave the sinning woman'_. For her that was more important than what that woman did to his daughter!"

She looked at him accusingly, full of rage, filled with pain that a lofty concept was more important than a father's love for his daughter and his pain over losing her.

Tears spilled out of her eyes, tears of rage but also of helplessness, of her own inadequacy to make her teacher understand what was burning in her heart!

Ben just opened his arms, and she hid in his embrace, sobbing.

 

 _Yeah, he had read the story. It was a pompous moral tale, lacking the flesh-and-blood problems and feelings of real people._  

Ben remembered the end of the tale well. And he understood Lilly's tears.

_The girl Charlotte had died, and all her grieving father could do was to take care of his baby grandchild. He took the child with him to England, and once there by chance met the two people responsible for the downfall of his daughter: the seducer whom she had loved and followed to another country, and the woman who talked her into the 'romantic union' and made her forsake her family and home. Charlotte's father had forgiven both these people._

 

Ben remembered sitting in the armchair after having read the moral tale contemplating his own attitude.

_Could a father really stand back when he met the person or persons responsible for the despair - and ultimately the death - of his own daughter? If he were to be in the situation of this father, he wasn't sure if he could forgiv..._

_No! That wasn't true. He knew. He was sure how he would react. He would KILL anybody who tried to harm Lilly!_

 

At that moment Cornelsen, his daughter Elizabeth Ann and Tommy entered. Tommy was in high spirits. They had visited the Bunnywhistle farm, and Mr. Cornelsen had for himself seen the well that had been drilled by the modern drilling equipment, a well much superior to any hand-dug well in the area. Mechanization - that was the future. And because it was expensive and people needed loans, the banks were all part of it!

 

Lilly blushed a fierce red to be caught crying and quickly freed herself from her father's embrace. Ben caught the raised eyebrows of Cornelsen and the somewhat astonished and shocked look of his daughter Elizabeth Ann and wondered how their father-daughter-relationship manifested itself. _They didn't look as though they were really close, never mind hugging each other. Perhaps that was the reason why Elizabeth Ann was still acting the shy doe._

"Dinner not ready yet?" Tommy asked Lilly. He sounded annoyed.

"Do it yourself, Tommy. I'm not your servant!" After having hurled the words at him, Lilly ran out.

"Tsk, tsk... temper... temper," Tommy muttered in Cornelsen's direction and Mr. Cornelsen smiled one of his superior smiles Ben had seen before.

"Doesn't hurt a man to be able to prepare his own supper, Tommy," he said. Then he walked to the cupboard, took out a stack of plates and pushed them into Tommy's hands.

Tommy froze. It was years ago that he had had to help with kitchen duties. Usually, he returned from the bank late and sat down for dinner immediately.

But Cornelsen, too, was ill at ease about Ben's attitude.

"Perhaps Elizabeth Ann could help," he threw in his weight.

"Yes, of course," Elizabeth Ann said politely, taking the plates from Tommy, who smiled at her. She began laying out the table. Although back home in Chicago she had never had to do this she had watched it being done often enough to be able to slip into the role. And she welcomed the chance to impress Tommy.

"Mighty obliging of you, Miss Cornelsen," Ben said with a soft smile in her direction. His words made her nervous and a blush reddened her face, and so Ben made for the larder to find food for a quick supper while Tommy and Mr. Cornelsen made themselves comfortable at the table.

 _Those two were pretty cosy with each other,_ Ben observed. He hadn't given it any thought before and didn't really mind that Tommy had impressed a man like Cornelsen with his banking skills. _But seeing them together... somehow they were alike... and they somehow didn't belong on a ranch... they were from different stock..._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. The lure of saloon girls

"I love you, Jase..."

"I gotta go back to work, lassie. If the boss finds out I'm here with you..."

Carefully, Jason freed himself and left Lucy's bed. It was still early - too early for patrons and johns - but still, you never knew.

Jason didn't want to be seen, especially not by Ben Warner who had explicitly ordered him to tend to the Kentucky mares he meant to team up with the stallions soon...

"I don't wanna go, lassie, you know that..."

Lucy nodded, tears in her eyes.

"Wish you could be mine," he said to her.

She shook her head. "No use, Jase. We ain't got no money. Without money, we can't go nowhere, can't get married, can't be together."

She thought about her little wooden box with the lock. For weeks now she had been trying to save every dime she could spare. The only problem was, there was never any money to spare! And Jason spent his pay almost as soon as he received it, taking her out for sweet cakes or buying her a bag or a shawl or new shoes...

"One day we'll have enough money to get married, lassie. I'm saving. Really, I am..."

_He looked so earnest - oh, how she wanted to believe his words!_

But Lucy knew him too well. Jason was like a sieve through which all the dollars he made ran as soon as he held them in his hands.

 

When Jason left Lucy's room he collided with his boss, Ben Warner!

"Am... I... ah..."

Ben jerked his head. "Off, Jason. Back to the ranch."

"Sir..." Jason's finger quickly touched his hat and a chastised ranch hand ran down the stairs and out of the saloon.

Ben smiled. _It would seem he wasn't the only one who cherished the charms of a particular girl._

Grinning to himself, Ben knocked on Mattie's door.

 

When she opened he could see that she was just preparing to get ready for work.

_Well, he would prevent that..._

"Let me stay the night?" he asked. "No work for you tonight, Mattie-girl. I want to hold you."

She smiled at his words. _Lying in the arms of Ben was always preferable to earning money..._

 

They stayed in her room, sitting together, talking, laughing... Later that evening Mattie fetched them two beers for supper and they sat and sipped their brews while the noise from the patrons grew louder and louder. Neither of them was tempted to go downstairs.

When they had finished their drinks they undressed. Trustingly, Mattie settled in Ben's embrace, her head on his chest, her hand on his heart. Her whole body snuggled up to his.

 _Her feet were cold again._ Ben adjusted his legs so she could stick her feet between them. He felt her mouth smile at his chest and a rush of warmth ran through him. Her body relaxed completely. It felt like a personal victory to him. _She wasn't afraid of him any longer, trusted him not to want anything she couldn't give. His patience had paid off._

 

_Bound._

_Her hands and feet bound to the posters of the iron bed._

_Naked under the blanket._

_Scared._

_A man approaching slowly, a shy, apologetic smile on his face._

_The man was naked, his member threateningly upright. He had come to... to..._

_Panic!_

_"Shhhh...." The man's voice, trying to calm her while still coming closer._

_Fighting, kicking... no use. Hands and feet tied fast._

_Looking around for help... seeing her mother's eyes watching..._

 

Mattie's scream was so loud, it brought the place down. Ben turned to her and held her tight, but she was still deep within her dream and tried to fight him off.

"Mattie!" Lucy and Lydia had rushed over from their nearby rooms and burst in.

"Shhhh, baby... shhh."

Ben held her with all his strength, his strong hands were around her wrists, holding them fast at her back, pressing her against his chest so that she could not scratch nor struggle.

"Ben...?" Her whisper told them that she had come out of her nightmare.

"Yes, baby. You're safe." He let her go, and she clung to him.

Lucy was lighting the candle beside her bed and Lydia sat down on the bed beside Mattie and stroked her hair in an attempt to comfort her.

"You all right, Mattie?" she asked. They all had a nightmare every now and then. "Want me to get you a drink of water?"

But Mattie shook her head. "No."

She hid her face in Ben's neck and hair and felt his arms hug her tighter. _She didn't want to see anybody or do anything now!_

Over her shoulder, Ben motioned to the two girls to leave, and they did.

 

"Tell me," he whispered when the door had closed behind them, and in the safety of his arms and the darkness Mattie told him of the first man who had ever touched her and the woman who was supervising their encounter.

"Who was she?" he asked.

"My mother," she responded.

"Your _mother_?" His words came in a scared whisper. The concept of a mother doing something like this to her little girl, a helpless little girl the same age as Lilly, was beyond his grasp. It was just too terrible to contemplate, and quickly Ben pushed it out of his mind.

He let her cry her fill in his embrace, not knowing that the seed she had sown in him with her words would grow and one day bear fruit. 

 

~~~

 

Touch... feather-like... soft... rough hands softly roaming along her body... fingers combing through the curls at her mound...

It felt good... so good.

The hands were on her thighs now... spreading them carefully, stroking their insides... returning to her curls again...

Then a feeling she had never known before, something at her clit. Whatever it was, it stroked over it, played with it... touching... twisting... sucking...

 

_This couldn't be a finger!_

But before Mattie could even begin to worry, the teasing intensified, became urgent.

A loud moan told Ben he was on the right track. _For once she was relaxed and didn't bother._

He would have loved to add to her arousal by inserting a finger, but didn't dare to. _She might snap at that. Better to just stick with what she seemed to enjoy – finally._

And enjoy it Mattie did.

Her moans grew louder, her panting became irregular, and her hips moved in an attempt to evade... no, to get closer to... no, to wriggle out of the merciless grip he held her in.

Her whole body writhed on the bed and another groan escaped her. It looked and sounded almost like a fight, a battle. Perhaps it was. She had never been before where he meant to take her, had never been that far into losing herself.

Ben tried to forget his aching jaw and his stiff neck. _He couldn't let go now. He just HAD to make sure she came. He had taken her by surprise, arousing her while she had still been in that no-man's land between sleep and wakefulness. If he didn't manage now, he might not get another chance..._

 

_It was wonderful... it was... it was... yes, just like that... oh, pleeeease... yesssss!_

 

She screamed her release.

A feeling of triumph swept through Ben as her honey, for once flowing freely, wet his beard.

Forgotten was the pain in his neck as he stopped teasing and instead nibbled softly to let her come down from her high slowly.

When he heard her sob he crawled up her body and held her tight.

"Love you, Mattie-girl," he whispered into her neck, and she felt his wet beard and his mouth as he suckled her earlobe softly.

 

Mattie would have loved to hold him tight for the rest of her life, but it was morning. She knew he had to return to the ranch.

_His eyes were dark, blue-green seas... there was love in them, love for her! It was impossible to understand... but there was no denying its truth._

After another hug, Ben rose decisively. _If he didn't get dressed soon he might stay the whole day! That woman was simply intoxicating._

It had been the first time she had trusted him completely. He still felt her shudder in his grip and a warm wave of tenderness rushed through him. _If he didn't leave now, he might carry her off to the ranch with him..._

 

He washed his face and hands while Mattie lay there, too exhausted to move. When he buttoned up his vest he turned and looked at her again. The feelings of triumph and tenderness he had felt earlier made way for a different feeling altogether, a feeling he hadn't felt for her before, the urge to protect her.

Quickly, he took his hat, holster and jacket and left her room.

 

Outside three of the girls had gathered, talking and giggling. When they saw Ben they fell silent. With a smirk Ben tilted his head towards them, buckled up his holster and donned his jacket and hat. Then he touched the brim of his hat with his finger.

"Ladies..." he said, and their giggles followed him all the way down the stairs and out of the saloon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Elizabeth Ann

"Mr. Warner." Elizabeth Ann almost jumped as she realized Ben stood beside her.

"Miss Cornelsen," he greeted her. She smiled her shy smile at him.

"I'm watching the foals," she said. Ben's lips twitched in amusement. In her nervousness she was stating the obvious.

"Do you like them?" he inquired.

"They are so sweet," she said with enthusiasm, "so helpless. So young."

_Hmm... just like you are,_ Ben thought but didn't say it.

"Would you like to touch them?" he asked her, and she beamed a wide smile at him.

"Could I?"

"Sure," he said and opened the gate for them to enter.

It wasn't easy to convince the little animals to approach the strange creature in the bright, swishing dress. But, eventually, Ben managed to entice one of the youngest foals to come close enough. Before the foal could do anything about it, he had it in a tight grip and held it for Elizabeth Ann to fondle.

Her wide, astonished eyes and her smile when she touched the foal's coat were quite a reward. _What a sweet girl!_

"It's _soft_ ," she breathed, and Ben realized she had never touched a horse before.

"Don't you have horses in Chicago?" he asked.

"Yes. But they are so big, and they are scary."

She had only ever seen horses in front of carriages, and she blushed as Ben smiled at her remark. Embarrassed, she withdrew her hands from the foal and hid them behind her back. Ben let go of the animal, and the little one kicked out and ran off... back to its mother, who had been standing close by watching carefully.

_Was she only shy or was she scared of him?_ Ben couldn't figure it out. _Repeatedly, he had had the impression that she was intimidated by the things and people around her. Perhaps he should give her a chance to get to know him better. Him and the ranch. And, seeing how Tommy was falling in love with her, he certainly wanted to know more about her._

"Let's walk a bit," he suggested, and Elizabeth Ann nodded. Together, they strolled along the small meadow and out of sight of the people on the ranch.

"Do you have siblings, Miss Cornelsen?"

"I had a younger brother, but he died when he was a child. Of diphtheria," she added.

"And your mother? Where is she?" Ben asked.

"She's in Saratoga Springs. There's a spa there. She's taking the waters. You see, she is not very healthy," Elizabeth Ann explained. Her blue eyes were sad, and they touched something in Ben.

"She's to remain there for several months. With mother gone, father has decided to travel, and he would never have allowed me to remain behind alone with the servants."

"And so your father dragged you all over the country to a small place in Nevada," Ben said. "How unfortunate."

"Oh, no!" she protested passionately. Then she saw his smile and understood that he had been teasing her. Blushing, she lowered her head again but after some time, when he made no move, looked up at him through her eye-lashes. _His look was soft, his eyes tender..._ Embarrassed, Elizabeth Ann cast down her eyes again.

"Do you like Tommy?" Ben asked quietly.

She just nodded, too shy to face him.

"That's good," Ben said, "because he likes you, too."

At this, she dared to look at him again.

"You don't mind?" she whispered, holding her breath.

Ben studied her face seriously. _So young. So innocent. So protected. A flower not yet blossoming. A girl still, not a young woman as her age would indicate._

The longer he looked at her, the more apprehensive Elizabeth Ann became. _What if he didn't approve of her? Tommy would have to obey his father, and they could never..._

But then his hand came up to her face, and his knuckles stroked over her rosy cheek.

"No, I don't mind," Ben said.

_What a soft touch. She had never felt a touch like that before. How could a man who looked and acted so rough touch her so softly?_

 

 

"You bastard!"

Both Elizabeth Ann and Ben perked up as Matt ran out of the ranch hands' hut, hotly pursued by Ron. Ron was tall, at 6'3" he towered over everybody else, but he wasn't able to catch Matt. Cursing and yelling, he ran after his mate.

Jason passed by, leading a horse on a halter. He chuckled at the sight.

"What happened?" Ben asked him.

Again, Jason chuckled. "It's his own fault. You know how Matt is, boss. Ron boasted his boots were waterproof and that he could go through mud and puddles and not have no wet feet. So when Ron wasn't looking Matt poured water into t' boots to see if he was right."

A loud crash alerted them to the fact that Ron had finally caught Matt. Both men smashed into the barn wall, and the two sick horses inside gave frightened whinnies. Matt yelled out in pain, and even Ron was momentarily stunned.

Ben whistled and both men looked up.

"Back to work!" Ben called over to them, then exchanged a look and a chuckle with Jason, who proceeded with his work as well.

 

Elizabeth Ann was studying Ben. _What a strange man Mr. Warner was. She knew her father didn't think him very manly. But she didn't agree. It was plain that Ben Warner was a Christian man. She knew of nobody else who was so lenient and forgiving. Her father would have fired those men, for sure. They had behaved like children, not like grown men. But,_ she had to admit with a little smile, _it really had been funny..._

Ben was aware of her stare, but he knew that the moment he turned to look at her she would only withdraw into her shell again. And so he pretended to watch Matt and Ron, who, after an apology by Matt, shook hands and returned to their shack.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a small smile steal into the corners of Elizabeth Ann's mouth. _She was such a sweet girl. Tommy was a really lucky guy!_

 

~~~

 

"Meat pie? Again?"

Susan Evans wasn't amused. Ever since she had gotten pregnant with her second child, she had felt awful. And she didn't like meat pie. _Her sister-in-law knew that. She must be doing this on purpose!_

"Can't you cook anything else? Or haven't you learned to make a decent meal?"

Alice Evans stopped sewing, looked over and took in the scene. Susan was smaller than Sandy, but somehow she managed to tower over her sister-in-law. And, as always, she tried to make Sandy feel small.

But this time she didn't succeed.

Sandy straightened her back and looked Susan in the eye.

"It's my turn to cook today," she said calmly. "And if it's my turn, then I decide what we eat. Meat pie is William's favourite. If you don't like it, go make yourself something else."

For a moment Susan was silent, but then she got angry. _That jumped-up whore talking back to her, a decent Christian woman! Who did she think she was?_

"William always loved meat pie, even as a little boy," Alice Evans suddenly said. She rose from her chair and put away her sewing.

"I remember he was three years old," she said to Sandy. "We had meat pie, and he sat on Dan's lap. Dan fed him one spoonful after another, and he still wanted more."

Sandy smiled. It was the first time William's mother had addressed her other than giving her an order to do something. And it was the first time she had shared anything about William's childhood.

Alice laughed at her memory. "I warned Dan, told him that it was too much, that William would be sick, but I was wrong. He just loved the pie so much, he ate until he fell asleep on Dan's lap."

During her talk she had come between her daughters-in-law, allegedly to reach for and pick up a knife from the table, but it was mainly to put a barrier between those two. She took a potato and started peeling it while Sandy turned away from Susan and continued preparing the pastry for the pie.

 

~~~

 

"How did you learn to do all this, Lilly?" Elizabeth Ann asked. They were in the kitchen preparing food.

"What? … Oh, the stew, you mean? Mrs. Miller from the grocery store, she taught me."

Lilly was deeply in thought. _Elizabeth Ann was a woman. If it was true that every woman bled as Sarah had told her, then she must know about that._

"Elizabeth Ann..." Lilly started but wasn't sure how to proceed. Elizabeth Ann was different from her. The way she talked and behaved... somehow Lilly was sure that Miss Hargrove would greatly approve of Elizabeth Ann.

"What, Lilly?"

_How to ask her? Was there a 'ladylike' way of phrasing this? Probably not. But if Elizabeth Ann knew then it wouldn't matter, would it?_

"Do you bleed, too?" Lilly asked outright.

Elizabeth Ann was stunned. "Bleed? What do you mean?"

"Well... my friend Sarah, she says that every woman bleeds... down there... you know?"

"Oh..." Elizabeth Ann had caught on - her fierce blush confirmed it. Quickly, she turned her back to Lilly.

The question reminded her of all the tricky 'women's subjects' her mother meant to talk to her upon her return. Before leaving for the Spa she had already indicated that she meant to discuss her, Elizabeth Ann's, future. And 'future' meant 'husband'...

 

"Is it true?" Lilly asked. "Does every woman bleed? And why again and again? Can you do something to prevent it? Or do you only get it when you hurt yourself?"

_Hurt yourself._ Lilly's question triggered a realm of thoughts, Elizabeth Ann had avoided so far, the subject of her future wedding night.

_The wedding night would hurt._

She had learned that much from her friend Agatha, who had married recently - a man twice her age. Agatha had confessed to her that the 'wife's duty' she had had to perform on her wedding night had hurt terribly. She hadn't really had a chance to say more, because the girls had been overheard by Elizabeth Ann's mother, who had been outraged by the topic of their conversation. Agatha had left and Elizabeth Ann had not been allowed to see her again. According to her mother this could wait until she, too, was married and knew what it was all about.

_Husbands could just order their wives to do anything they wished. She didn't want a husband twice her age who would order her around and do anything disgusting to her. She wanted to fall in LOVE..._

_Love..._

Tommy rose in front of her inner eye. _He had already convinced her father that he was a good banker. Perhaps he could also convince him that he would make a good son-in-law. Her father's word was law, no matter what kind of husband her mother had in mind for her. But was Tommy interested? And how to make sure that Tommy would measure up to her father's expectations?_

 

Lilly didn't get an answer to her questions that afternoon. But after seeing Elizabeth Ann squirm she wasn't too sure she wanted to know, anyway...

 

 

 

 

 

 


	13. Lilly and Elizabeth Ann

Tommy and Elizabeth Ann were standing at the corral where the ranch hands were breaking in the horses. Tommy talked to Elizabeth Ann, gesturing, pointing, explaining. Ben was watching them, wondering what it was that Tommy was explaining to her. After all, he didn't know that much about the breaking in of horses.

But then Ben understood. It was Tommy's body language that gave him away; he was bragging. And the girl wasn't experienced enough to see it for what it was. She was mesmerized.

"A talented young man, your son Tommy," Cornelsen said from behind him.

Ben turned and looked at Cornelsen, but Cornelsen was watching the two young people like Ben had before.

 

Elizabeth Ann smiled her shy smile at Tommy. They could see Tommy grow in stature.  She must have been complimenting him. But the look of admiration Tommy sent Elizabeth Ann gave him away, too. It wasn't only Elizabeth Ann who was smitten.

"I believe Tommy could be a valuable asset, not just to my bank in Chicago," Cornelsen said, "but also as a son-in-law."

He looked at Ben provocatively, gauging his reaction. But Ben's face gave nothing away. He preferred to remain silent to draw Cornelsen out.

"The boy is a talented banker," Cornelsen added by way of explanation, "It would be a shame to keep him here. That is, unless you need him as your successor..."

At that Ben laughed out loud.

"Cornelsen, the boy has never liked working on the ranch. He was always taken by money. At age eleven, Lilly could already do a better job on my ranch than he ever could. Tommy is not a horseman."

It was true, Ben suddenly realized, although he had never voiced it quite so clearly.

"So you wouldn't object to him coming with us?" Cornelsen asked.

_The man wanted to make sure. But why?_

"You want him for yourself, or you want him for your daughter?" Ben asked.

Cornelsen, although a scheming businessman to the core, was taken aback by Ben's direct approach. He was used to people veiling their true intentions and not given to speaking straightforwardly himself.

"Would you object?" he asked.

Ben shook his head.

"Not if that's what Tommy wants." He looked at the two young people again and nodded towards them.

"And, I guess, your daughter wants it, too."

 

 

Observing the two young people tentatively getting to know each other stayed with Ben whether he wanted it or not.

Since Violet, Tommy hadn't been interested in any girl, at least not to Ben's knowledge. As outspoken and self-assured as Tommy could be where figures and banking were concerned, when he was with people he was still the shy little boy of eight Ben had once encountered in the train station of Pah-Rimpi.

_It was high time the boy had a slice of life! Falling in love wasn't the worst way to get loose and to gain a bit of experience._

Again, Mattie came to Ben's mind, and he remembered their last time together. How she had asked him to 'do it right' this time, how he had pushed into her as carefully as possible and seen fear enter her eyes and the veil drop again. How he had waited for her to recognise him, to trust him and to open up again.

And she had.

Moving in her hadn't been enough to excite her and make her come, and so he had used his finger on her clit at the same time. It hadn't been comfortable, he had pulled a muscle in his back, and he hadn't reached a peak himself.

But the feeling of triumph when he saw her overcome her initial fear and her excitement rising higher and higher had well been worth it all! They had held eye contact all the way. He had whispered to her and she had clung to him until he finally felt her clasp around him, a sigh and a shudder the only outward signs of her release.

 

Afterwards, he had had to leave her to return to the ranch when all he had wanted was stay and feel her snuggle up to him.

Standing at the door in her room he had watched her getting dressed. And for the first time he had seen how she put on her mask, that elegant mask that protected her true self from the world!

 

 

"Daddy..."

Lilly had walked up to Ben and broke into his musings.

"We need more groceries. You didn't bring enough last time."

_Perfect. He would go into town himself, so he could see Mattie..._

"I'm coming, too," Lilly said. "I wanna visit Mrs. Miller."

After her disastrous experience with Elizabeth Ann, Lilly had decided to talk to her motherly friend. _Mrs. Miller was the nicest woman in the whole town. She would know and explain to her what it was all about._

 

 

During their drive Lilly was deeply in thought. Ben didn't quite know whether he should talk or not, but they hadn't talked for ages. Lately, he was always busy with other things, the ranch, the training of the youngsters, his guests... and, naturally, Mattie.

"You been teaching Elizabeth Ann how to cook," he started. "What do you make of her?"

Lilly grew suspicious. _Had her father listened in to their talk? And the questions she still had no answers to? No, he couldn't have. He hadn't been in the house._

"Why do you ask?" she asked back.

Ben chuckled. "I'm just curious. She seems like a nice girl."

Lilly shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, she's okay, I guess."

Ben raised his eyebrows in amusement. "She's _'okay, you guess'_?" he echoed her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

But Lilly just shrugged her shoulders again and didn't answer. In her opinion, Elizabeth Ann wasn't really worth thinking or talking about, so what should she say?

"You okay, Little Flower?" Ben asked, made suspicious by her silence.

"Yeah, 'course," Lilly retorted quickly, as if defending herself.

Silently, they drove on.

_What was the matter with her? And why didn't she want to tell? Perhaps he should stop the wagon right here, out of sight and earshot of people. Far away from the ranch, she couldn't run off. No. If he pushed her into territory she wasn't willing to tread, she would run off no matter where they were. Hell, his daughter would jump into an ocean without being able to swim just to evade prying!_

"Something wrong, Little Flower?" he tried again. "You been mighty silent lately."

For a moment Lilly was tempted to turn to her father and ask about all the confusing thoughts and feelings. But somehow she couldn't bring herself to tell her father about her aching breasts... And they were on their way into town. _She would see Mrs. Miller and ask her - that would be better!_

"It's nothing, Daddy," she said.

It wasn't very convincing, but Ben knew better than to push his little girl when she wasn't ready. And so they just drove on in silence.

 

 

"Will you be in the saloon?" Lilly asked when he stopped the wagon in front of the grocery.

Ben nodded. Lilly eyed him thoughtfully. "What's her name?"

Ben smiled. "Mattie."

"Is she nice?"

He nodded. "Wanna come and meet her?" he offered, but Lilly shook her head and vanished in the store.

A sudden thought hit Ben. _Wouldn't it be good if Mattie and Lilly met each other? One day soon Lilly would bring up all kinds of questions. Wouldn't be bad to have a woman like Mattie explain things to her..._

 

~~~

 

"Lilly – how nice to see you!" Mrs. Miller exclaimed when Lilly entered the store. "It's a long time since we have seen each other."

"Yes, that's true, Mrs. Miller. It's why I've come. I thought we could talk a bit... oh, and here the list of goods we need." She handed over the list to Mr. Miller.

"Ah, Mrs. Bunnywhistle. Good day to you."

"Good day, Mrs. Miller. What a nice day, isn't it?"

"Yes. Very pleasant. And are you all right again? No more coughing?"

"No, no, I'm fine again, thank God," Mrs. Bunnywhistle said. "It was just a little irritation, no more. Some herbal tea, my mother's recipe, taken three times per day. It took me only a... "

They chatted on while Lilly studied the rows of candies and cookies that were always available at Mrs. Miller's. She knew the contents of the store almost by heart and couldn't wait for Mrs. Bunnywhistle to leave to broach the subject that was so important to her.

 

~~~

 

Mattie smiled when she saw Ben at her door.

"Mattie-girl..."

Their private greeting had become a ritual - a ritual Mattie looked forward to more and more.

Ben took her into his arms - it was a warm and soft hug - and he buried his nose in her curls. Then his right hand rubbed over her back in warming circles and she could feel his breath in her hair. This was always the moment when Mattie relaxed completely.

Depending on his mood he would then either lift her up and swing her around so that her feet sometimes knocked over the chair in her room, or his left hand would hold her neck in place while he kissed from her hair to her ear to her throat...

She liked that even better; it meant that he was in a cuddly mood rather than in the mood for sex.

But today was a 'swinging-around-day'. His spirits were up and the sparkle in his eyes was unmistakable.

"I don't have much time," he said. "Lilly is at the grocery getting our food stuff for the ranch. She'll be waiting for me soon."

 

Mattie smiled and touched his beard. _This was a perfect moment to give something back to him._

"Then we'll make it quick," she said, and started to undress him.

 

He grew suspicious at her words, but then shook off his feeling. Mattie was never the one to initiate sex, and sometimes it seemed to him she didn't like his body, although he knew how much she cherished their friendship. And so he welcomed her gesture, wondering what it was she intended to do.

It was only when she had bared him and went to kneel before him that Ben understood what she was offering. His reaction was instantaneous.

"No," he said, gripping her arms hard with his hands and lifting her to stand in front of him again. "I don't want this."

"But... I do it very well, Ben - you don't need to worr..."

His look changed to this black determination she knew already, and for a moment she grew scared.

He never loosened his grip on her arms. He walked her backwards towards her bed and pushed her to lie on it, still fully clothed. Then he climbed on top of her, his naked body pinning hers to the mattress.

He supported himself on his elbows and placed his hands to the left and right of her face, right on her hair, effectively fixing her head so she couldn't move. His beard scratched her cheek as he lowered his mouth to her ear and he said threateningly, "Never offer that to me, girl. You hear? Never!"

Comments rang in his ear, comments about Mattie he had overheard other men utter - 'hottest mouth', 'nimblest tongue', 'deepest throat' - he couldn't endure the images that these comments arose in him, and that her kneeling in front of him had evoked again...

This wasn't what Mattie was for him; this wasn't the way he saw her. They hadn't started out as whore and john - they were friends! And even though he paid for their encounters, as long as she gave herself over to him the way she did instead of being the one in control of the encounter, he could hold on to the illusion of being more than just a customer.

 

At first, Mattie had tensed when she had seen his expression darken, but what he had done and said had driven off her fear. His body didn't lie, and he was hugging her. _There was no reason to be afraid of him. He had never hurt her and never would! If he didn't want this service from her... well, it just proved again that Ben Warner was different from any other man she had ever known._

She trusted him. And she was willing to do whatever he wanted.

 

"That is not how I want it to be between us, Mattie," Ben said softly into her ear. "That is not what I want us to do."

"Then how?"

"I'll show you."

 

 

 

 

 

 


	14. Lilly and Mrs. Miller

Lilly was standing at the far end of the store, fixing the jar with the chocolate cookies as if her stare could melt them.

"Good-bye."

"Good-bye, Lilly."

"What? – Oh, good-bye, Mrs. Bunnywhistle."

"Now, my precious. Would you like some cookies?" Mrs. Miller asked.

"No. Actually, I'd like to talk about someth..."

"Oh, Miss Hargrove. You're back!" Mrs. Miller exclaimed when her next customer entered the shop.

"Indeed, I am, Mrs. Miller. How nice to see you."

"You look well, Miss Hargrove. You must have had quite a time."

"Oh, I had - good afternoon, Lilly," Miss Hargrove smiled at her pupil, but her pupil hadn't forgotten her last day at school and her teacher's sermonizing. She remained silent, putting on an 'I-was-here-first'-look that Miss Hargrove chose to ignore.

In school, Marguerite Hargrove might have reprimanded Lilly, but in the grocery, 'in public', so to speak, she didn't feel responsible for Lilly's behaviour.

Mrs. Miller ended the awkward silence.

"What would you like, Miss Hargrove?"

"Oh, I've only come to buy some tea. Believe it or not, Mrs. Miller, the tea I was able to purchase in New Orleans isn't half as good as yours. I only returned last night, and when I wanted to make myself a cup of tea this morning, I realized that I hadn't any left."

Flattered, Mrs. Miller fetched the glass jar that held the expensive Assam tea Miss Hargrove always purchased.

"How much would you like then, Miss Hargrove? A pound?"

"Well... no... that's just a bit too much." It wasn't easy for Marguerite to keep her cool at the suggestion. The Assam tea was _very_ expensive and her trip had taken up nearly all her savings.

"A small packet will do for the moment, Mrs. Miller. Thank you. After all, I do have the tea from New Orleans to use up."

"And how did you find New Orleans, Miss Hargrove?"

The question opened up a well, and the two ladies chatted on and on... about city life, the elegant ways of the French community, a few choice encounters with society and gentlemen, and so on.

Lilly wasn't listening. Her mind was occupied otherwise, and she stood in front of the candy jars as if she wanted to count their contents.

"Everything is in the wagon, Lilly."

"Thanks, Mr. Miller."

"I put the butter under the flour so it won't melt."

Lilly just nodded and eyed Mrs. Miller and Miss Hargrove. They were still talking.

Occasionally Mrs. Miller's eyes swept over her.

_The girl seemed strangely subdued. She had said she wanted to talk about something. Perhaps something was wrong on the ranch and she wanted to ask her advice. But what could it be about?_

 

"Good-bye, Mrs. Miller."

"Good-bye, Miss Hargrove. Enjoy the tea."

"I will – good-bye, Lilly."

"Bye, Miss Hargrove"

 _It was '_ good _-bye, Miss Hargrove',_ Marguerite thought, _but why should she bother? It was summer now, and she wouldn't have to open school and deal with anybody's children until autumn had arrived and the harvest was brought in._

_She had just returned from a most interesting and invigorating trip, and she was in no mood to let the girl ruin her day. One day, Lilly would learn that politeness bred politeness, and that everybody received what they were sending out into the world..._

 

_~~~_

 

Ben was sitting with his back at the bed's headboard and Mattie sat straddling him. He knew she couldn't have an orgasm with him moving inside her alone, and this was the perfect position for him to keep his hand on her clit without having to twist his back again. In addition to the comfort of not having to support himself and be able to use both his hands, he could see her.

 

At first, Mattie had been too shy to move or do anything else. _How was she to react? He was so close and watched every movement and every expression of hers!_ But then Ben had started to cuddle her, kissing and fondling every part of her within his reach, and the warmth and the overwhelming feeling of security in his arms had just swept her away.

 

His fingertips ran along her back so softly, they were tickling her, and she squirmed, taking him in deeper and deeper with her movements.

Then one of his hands moved to her mound and teased her clit. His mouth nibbled at her neck – _it was such a good feeling!_

Her hips moved out of her own volition now. His finger was driving her on, but the feeling of his penis moving inside her and the way he filled her was good, too. As a matter of fact she had never before realized just _how good_ it was!

The freedom of movement that the position gave her helped her to stay relaxed. She could shift and adjust easily whenever she was  uncomfortable.

She looked into his eyes – they were darker than usual, and when she moved her hips he suddenly closed them and let his head sink backwards with an expression of pleasure it was a delight to see. A rush ran through her body – for the first time in her life she became aware of her power!

 

It became uncomfortable for her to spread her legs so wide, and she shifted. His hands quickly grasped her hips to hold her close. Mattie smiled at the instinctive reaction. _He was scared she might let him slip out of her. He needed to be in her, needed her to be closer, much closer. – And,_ she suddenly realized with a start, _she wanted and needed it, too!_

She hugged his neck and buried her face in his hair - just like he used to do, and his smell and the sounds he made excited her even further. She suddenly realized that _he was hers, and that he always gave himself over to her like he just did - without any pretence, without guise he let her see and feel and hear exactly how he felt!_ The very thought, and the feeling of love this thought evoked in her, swept her away.

 

"Oh Ben..."

The way she sighed made it abundantly clear to him that she had let go of any control.

_Mattie. Sweet girl. So beautiful in her moment of weakness._

But with a sudden flash of insight Ben understood that this particular moment of weakness was yet another victory she could claim. She trusted him enough to show him the needs of her body without clinging to the control that she had never dared let go before.

A few more rocking movements, and he could feel her grip him hard. A loud moan accompanied her surrender, and she hid her hot face in his neck, panting.

Ben manoeuvred them both so they came to lie with their heads on her pillow. He was still buried inside her, his hunger not yet assuaged, but there were other things more important than his satisfaction.

For long minutes he stroked her hair and back until he felt his member get soft and slip out of her. She didn't even notice.  Her breathing was slowly returning to normal.

 

~~~

 

_Finally Miss Hargrove was gone._

"Well then... Lilly, what brings you here?" Mrs. Miller asked and Lilly was relieved that the waiting was over. _Perhaps they had a chance to talk now._

"I was wondering... could we talk somewhere?" Lilly asked. The store wasn't really the best place with customers bursting in all the time.

"What is it you want to talk about?" Mrs. Miller asked. She fetched a cloth from a drawer and wiped the counter.

When there was no answer, she looked up. Lilly just stood there waiting for her to stop what she was doing. _It was incredible! Mrs. Miller always concentrated on her customers when she served them, but somehow she didn't perceive her, Lilly, as equal to them._

"Is it something serious?" Mrs. Miller asked when she saw Lilly's look. "Are you in trouble?"

"Trouble?"

"Lilly, don't play the innocent.  Do open your mouth. Is it something..."

 

"Mrs. Miller – do you still have some of that tobacco I bought last time?" Mr. Simpson from the telegraph office burst into the store. As always, he was in a rush – as if during those few minutes it took him to cross the street and buy his tobacco the most important message in the world was to arrive at the telegraph office.

"Mr. Simpson! Of course. There's some left in our storeroom. Let me find it for you..."

 _Another interruption. And Mrs. Miller didn't even bother to finish her sentence to her._ It was enough to make Lilly bolt.

"Good-bye, Mrs. Miller," Lilly said, turned on her heels and walked out.

"Lilly... girl, wait..." Mrs. Miller called after her, but then she shrugged her shoulders. _Customers always came first. And Lilly was just a girl of eleven. Children had to wait until adults were finished with their business. – As much as she liked Ben Warner, he should teach his daughter to mind her manners..._

 

~~~

 

"Mattie... I've been thinking..." Ben started then stopped.

"What?" Mattie asked.

"My daughter is almost eleven years old. She'll soon grow into a woman. Mattie, I need someone to explain to her about all those womanly things."

She propped herself up on her elbow. They were face-to-face now.

"Ben, shouldn't you ask a respectable woman like the schoolteacher?"

Ben snorted.

"You can't be serious." He expected her infectious giggle but she didn't even smile. He realized she really _did mean_ it.

"Mattie, the schoolteacher and I have a history. After Rachel died Miss Hargrove had this idea of becoming 'Mrs. Warner'. But then she decided I wasn’t good enough for her." He chuckled at the memory; after all, it wasn't that painful any more.

"She told me I was lewd and immoral."

Mattie smiled a little sadly.

"I know that type of woman, Ben. But still... in matters of 'womanly things', don't you think Lilly should learn from her?"

"No." Ben's answer was immediate and firm. He sat up against the headrest of the bed.

"Mattie, I love my daughter. I want her to be happy, I want her to be a real woman. Not one of those dry spinsters who are scared to touch themselves when they wash. No. I want Lilly to learn from you. Nobody else."

Mattie's throat went dry and she took a painful swallow. If she had needed any proof of the high esteem Ben held her in, here it was. She reached out to touch his beard but Ben caught her hand and kissed it.

 

As was their habit he got dressed first and meant to leave the room. _But not without a last look at her._

She sat in front of the small mirror, beginning to pin up her hair in the elegant style he loved so much. Her blue eyes, so serious now, so dark and alive in his arms only a moment ago, didn't see him as she concentrated on her task.

He stood, wishing she would turn and smile at him. But when she turned the look she gave him was not the relaxed smile he had hoped for. It was filled with longing, filled with a need for love...

He almost returned to her side.

Taking a deep breath to restrain himself Ben opened the door and left. He kept standing outside a moment.

_It was getting harder and harder to return to the ranch and leave her behind. Why, oh why didn't she want to leave this place?_

 

 

Downstairs in the saloon Lilly was waiting for him, drinking a glass of sugar water Harris had placed in front of her.

"What are you doing here?" he asked threateningly.

"Waiting for you," she answered with a smirk at his play-acting.

"Your business with Mrs. Miller finished already?"

Lilly only nodded.

"What about the food stuff?"

"All loaded and ready."

"You got the butter, too?"

"Yes."

"Melting in the sunshine outside."

Lilly scoffed. "What do you take me for? It's in a little box in wet cloth stowed under the flour."

_Yeah. That was his girl. Even though she was only eleven, she knew what she was doing._

"You got anything else you wanna do in town?"

Again, she shook her head.

"Then let's go, Little Flower."

"Thanks for the sugar water, Mr. Harris!"

"My pleasure, little lady," Harris answered and received a wide smile.

Then father and daughter walked out. Lilly's arm was around Ben's waist and his arm was around her shoulder...

 

 

 

 

 

 


	15. Tommy's future

"Sandy was sick today," Susan Evans remarked as she slipped into bed beside her husband.

"Oh?" Mark Evans had never given his sister-in-law another thought, but suddenly he was interested.

"Do you think she's pregnant?"

"No," Susan answered. "I asked if there was a reason to congratulate her, but no. She isn't expecting. The silly woman," she continued after a moment, "she didn't even know what I meant. 'Congratulations - what do you mean? It's not my birthday'..." Susan scoffed.

Mark chuckled in response.

"I'd be surprised if she really did get pregnant," Mark said. "In my opinion, whores never do. They're not real women, you know."

"You mean they can't bear children?" Susan was aghast. She had never thought about that before. _It was a terrible fate, wasn't it? But then, it was a fitting punishment for sinning as they did!_

"It's not just peeling potatoes and sewing that Sandy can't do right, you know, Susan," Mark continued. "Perhaps it's all these men they... _have with them_ all the time...” he reminisced more to himself than his spouse. "Must be doing something to them."

When he caught his wife's shocked expression he curbed his comments. _He better stop now, lest he evoke imagines of lechery in Susan._

But Susan's thoughts ran into a different direction. "Why would a clever man like your brother William want to marry a woman who doesn't know the most basic things? A woman who can't even bear children? And what does a woman do if she's not a real woman?"

Mark had a ready answer for that. "Well... that's why they are whores in the first place."

 

~~~

 

A wave of nausea washed over her, and she had to grip the chair for balance. Mattie took several deep breaths. When she washed and touched her breasts, they felt sore. From downstairs a slight smell of coffee wafted up to her room. It made her feel dizzy again.

There was no doubt about it; she was pregnant. And it had to be Ben's child. Mattie was sure of it. Although she still had a few customers besides him, they only ever wanted her 'special service'. Ben was the only one who had spilled his seed in her...

_She could kick herself for forgetting to take any precautions. But, somehow, she hadn't thought of Ben as 'work'._

_She couldn't keep this child! What would she do with a child in a brothel? Raise it to be another whore?_

_Should she tell Ben about it? No! Ben Warner was a man. He would be disgusted to know that their encounters had resulted in her pregnancy. He wouldn't want her child. He already had two children, children who came from a respectable woman._

Again, the smell of coffee assaulted her senses and she gripped the dressing table firmly to find her balance.

_She would have to buy some quinine._

There was a woman who sold all kinds of herbs and medicine against 'women's troubles'. She had come to Indian Springs not long ago and set up her business right behind the saloon. Mattie knew that most of the girls went to her and relied on her stuff.

 

 

The powder tasted awfully, but she had been warned about that. The nausea that overcame her wasn't worse than the morning sickness she had. But the cramps were. Once they started she gasped for air. Tears were running down her face as, for a moment, a panic seized her. W _hy had she gone all the way out of town to that lonesome spot? What if something happened to her? ... Oh well... who would care anyway?_

 

A few hours later Mattie was on her way back to the saloon and to work. In her mind's eye there was a scene she could not forget, a scene that kept repeating itself over and over: blood, running out of her, staining the green grass, and among the sticky fluid a tiny clot, speaking of death.

 

~~~

 

"Has Tommy spoken to you?" Cornelsen asked Ben when he entered the house.

"About what?" Ben picked up the coffee pot again and poured another cup for Cornelsen.

Cornelsen hesitated. _Ben didn't know. Should he tell him without Tommy having spoken to his father first?_

Ben looked at him expectantly. _There was something on the man's mind. Something to do with Tommy. But what?_

"Why don't _you_ tell me?" he asked Cornelsen.

Cornelsen cleared his throat.

"Tommy has asked Elizabeth Ann to marry him," he said, fixing his look on Ben, curious how Ben would react. But Ben only nodded at the news.

"It was to be expected, wasn't it?" he commented.

"You don't object then?" Cornelsen asked, somewhat relieved.

"Mr. Cornelsen," Ben said solemnly, "this is my place. Do you think you would still be on my ranch if I hadn't approved of your daughter in the first place?"

Cornelsen swallowed hard. As he looked in Ben's amused face he realized who had _really_ been in control all this time.

 

 

That evening Ben singled Tommy out. It was time for a father-son talk.

"Cornelsen said you want to go with them to Chicago, marry the girl," Ben said.

Tommy nodded.

"You sure about this?" Ben asked. He knew he couldn't change Tommy's mind once it was made up, the boy was too stubborn for that. But he was curious what was on Tommy's mind...was it the girl or the prospect of money and a city life?

"Mr. Cornelsen has offered me a job in his bank. And, maybe, one day I can become his partner," Tommy voiced his dream.

"What about the girl? You want her, too?" Ben asked.

"Yes," Tommy confirmed, "I tested her."

_"Tested her?"_ Ben echoed incredulously. _No way those two had actually made love. The girl was too shy for that, and Tommy would not dare do this under the ever-watchful eyes of Cornelsen himself._

"I tried to seduce her," Tommy said matter-of-factly to Ben, "but she wouldn't give in to me. She is honourable. She will be an honourable and faithful wife."

 

For a moment Ben was stunned at Tommy's take on faithfulness, but then he channelled their talk back to where he wanted it to go.

"Tommy... what's gonna happen once you are in Chicago?"

"Mr. Cornelsen has promised to set me up. I'll get a job in his bank, even live with them in their house."

"Have you thought about money?"

"Yeah, he's gonna lend me some money for a very low interest rate. I'm paying him back as soon as I make enough myself. Perhaps a year or so."

_He sounded very sure of himself... too sure, perhaps. Well, at that age it was an asset not a set-back. But, still... was he aware that he would need much more money in a city like Chicago than he would in Indian Springs?_

"How much?" Ben asked.

"Ah... don't know. Mr. Cornelsen says Chicago is an expensive city."

Ben nodded.

"How about 8,000 dollars? Wouldn't that set you and Elizabeth Ann up nicely?"

Tommy swallowed.

"8,000?"

Ben nodded.

"I already talked to Cornelsen. You're gonna get it the moment you're there. It's all arranged."

"But you don't have that much. And Mr. Jones' bank can't grant you 8,000 dollars, even if you put up the ranch for security."

Ben only smiled. _Banking apprentice or not, the boy had no insight into how he handled his money._

_The town owed him 14,000 dollars, 7,000 of which were due this autumn. Jones had already signalled him that the money would be ready in a few weeks - as soon as the harvest was in. The missing 1,000 dollars he would get through selling land._

"I'll pay him as soon as the horses are sold this autumn."

Untypically for Tommy, tears formed in his eyes. He had only now understood that this was some form of good-bye.

"But..."

_'But you ain't my father.'  Wasn't that what Tommy had said all those years ago when Rachel had died and he had been scared that Ben would renounce him._

"But what?" Ben asked.

Tommy swallowed hard. The gesture had taken him by surprise, and Ben wondered: _Could he make Tommy understand that, although they were not related, he still felt the need to help him? Felt he needed to make sure that this boy had a good start in life? A better one than he himself had once had? Perhaps not. But did it matter that Tommy understood?_

"Girl deserves a good home," Ben said and thought back on his conversation with Cornelsen. The fact that the sum had even stunned a man like Cornelsen, who was used to huge amounts of money, had been an additional sweetmeat.

"You make sure you keep her and your children safe."

Tommy nodded solemnly, all grown-up now.

"I will."

 

 

_There she was, standing near the river, watching the sunset. She looked lovely!_

Ben had seen Elizabeth Ann leave the house, and he had taken the opportunity to catch her alone.

"All packed and ready, Miss Cornelsen?"

She turned to him.

"Please... can't I be 'Elizabeth Ann'?"

His eyes turned a shade darker. "Elizabeth Ann..."

A shiver ran through Elizabeth Ann as she looked into Ben's eyes. _The way he said her name, it felt as if he were caressing it._

"Looking forward to leaving tomorrow?" Ben asked, breaking the mood.

"Yes!" she beamed at him, then she realized that her joy might not be totally appropriate under the circumstances.

"I want to see Mama again," she admitted, a little guiltily. "And I want to introduce Tommy to her. She will love him!"

"I've got something here for you," Ben said, raising his hand. In it was a book. He handed it over and Elizabeth Ann looked at it.

"A Bible?"

"It belonged to Rachel, Tommy's mother."

Tears appeared in Elizabeth Ann's eyes.

"He was still a child when she died, wasn't he?"

Ben had to think a moment. _Lilly had been four, so Tommy..._

"He was thirteen at the time."

"Poor boy." She gripped the Bible and pressed it to her heart.

"I will honour it and take good care of it."

Ben smiled.

"I'm sure you will."

Again, his hand came up and his knuckles stroked over her cheek.

Without thinking about it Elizabeth Ann took a step towards Ben and hugged him hard.

Ben hugged her back, and suddenly it was real: Tommy would leave him.

_Tommy, that small boy of eight who had saved his life once. Tommy, that young rebellious buck who had tried to take him on but couldn't. Tommy who was so different from him that Ben wondered what kind of man he would become now that he was in love with this beautiful young girl._

"Take good care of yourself, Elizabeth Ann," Ben whispered in her hair. "And take good care of Tommy, too."

"I will," she whispered back. Then she looked at him, and with a tender, almost motherly smile that looked very grown-up on her young face, she kissed him on the cheek.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	16. The gelding

After Tommy and his future in-laws had left the next morning Ben felt a bit lost. Tommy was gone, and with him a huge part of his life. He walked along the meadows lost in thought.

_Incredible that he had been living this life as a rancher for more than twelve years now!_

Ben thought back on the day he had met Tommy in the railway station in Pah-Rimpi. He remembered the years with Rachel, those years when he had hoped for a harmonious family life but never been able to achieve it. _It may have looked all cosy and settled from the outside, but only since he had got together with Mattie Ben had become aware of how far apart he and Rachel had truly been._

A warm river ran through him as he thought of Mattie.

_They weren't living together like he was with Rachel, but already they were closer and more open with one another than he had ever been with any other woman... except with... No! He wouldn't think of her. It only brought back memories of bliss followed by a painful end. What good were all those memories if they ended in pain? Mattie was the one who was real. If only she could be his and he wouldn't have to share her._

 

"One more time! He will learn, I'm sure!"

"No, Lilly. The more you push him, the more scared he'll get."

 

Made curious, Ben walked towards the voices. _Matt and Lilly... what did they want out here? And what the heck were they doing with that gelding?_

"Lilly!"

Both Matt as well as Lilly froze on the spot when they heard Ben's voice raised in anger. When he appeared beside them, his face was black with rage.

"That how you think you can deal with me, Lilly?" he asked, his voice calm but they both heard the steel in it.

"Daddy..."

"Shut up!" There was a limit to everyone's patience, and Lilly had tried it again and again. He turned to Matt.

"You knew she wasn't supposed to get on the back of that horse," he said threateningly. Matt blanched.

"I didn't ride him!" Lilly was quick to jump to Matt's defence.

Matt shook his head. "It's true, boss. I'd never let her ride the animal. We've been training him to pull a wagon."

"Wagon?" Ben asked uncomprehendingly. "And where is your wagon?" he looked around.  There was only the open meadow.

"He has already learned it," Lilly said, "we can show you."

"And what is this on his back then?" Ben pointed to the leather satchels the gelding was carrying. In spite of Ben's anger the horse stayed absolutely calm; he knew Ben and he didn't feel threatened by him. And anyway, Ben's body language said he would rather attack someone else.

 

Lilly lowered her head in defeat. _True, she had meant this as preparation for the gelding to be mounted. Matt had promised to help her... If her father had seen her try this... thank God she hadn't tried yet!_

"Boss..." Matt started to defend Lilly, "we really taught that gelding to go in front of a carriage. Lilly didn't want the horse shot, and he is a good horse, calm and obedient. Have a look for yourself," he added and grabbed the halter to lead the gelding off the meadow.

Ben stopped him.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with a horse that can only pull a wagon, can you tell me that?" Ben asked angrily. "There's nobody who uses a horse only for a carriage. A horse is for riding, Lilly!" he turned to his daughter again. "Get it into your head!"

Lilly rolled her eyes. _Her father still wasn't willing to give in._

"He is already fully trained. You wanna shoot him now, just because he is better pulling a wagon than carrying a rider?" she asked, her fists on her hips.

Her father stared at her open-mouthed. He didn't know what to say to that.

In the background Matt smirked. _His boss might not know it and would certainly never admit to it. But he was a soft spot for horses, and doubly so for anything Lilly wanted badly. Ben Warner might not like it, but Lilly was definitely going to win this round!_

Ben crossed his arms and nodded. "Okay, Little Miss Know-It-All," he growled, "he won't be shot. But I won't keep him, either. He won't eat my grass for free."

That went in one ear and out of the other - but to show that she accepted it for now Lilly smiled agreement. _He couldn't sell the horse, anyway. Who would want to buy a horse that couldn't be ridden?_

Truce was established. Or was it?

Father and daughter stared at each other, but Matt noticed that they didn't stare each other down any longer. Smiling, he turned the gelding and led him away.

 

_He wasn't angry any longer._ Lilly could see it. _But there was something on his mind. Now, what might that be?_

Tentatively, she crossed her arms, cocked her head and smiled at him. Helpless in the face of her audacity he smiled back. _Yeah, he knew he had a stubborn daughter. Stubborn, prickly as a hedgehog, and courageous to the point of stupidity when her heart was set on something. And, yes, she had saved that damned gelding!_

"So - how did you do it?" he asked her.

"Matt helped me," she confessed. "He caught me when I wanted to do it alone, and then he had the idea with the wagon. He doesn't want you to shoot the horse, either."

Ben rolled his eyes. _As if he were going around shooting his horses... and both Lilly and Matt knew this! But the fact that they had been carrying this off in secret showed something else: he hadn't spent sufficient time with Lilly recently._

Having come that far in his musings Ben suddenly remembered that he wanted Lilly to meet someone. _Now, how to arrange for that... ?_

 

"How about an outing today, Lilly?"

"An outing?" Lilly grew suspicious.

"What's wrong?" Ben asked. "Thought you might like it. We haven't done this in ages."

_That was exactly it. Why did he want to go off the ranch all of a sudden? Was there something afoot? Some problem she wasn't aware of yet... what the hell was he up to?_

Lilly grew more and more sceptical.

Ben watched her expression as her thoughts ran over her face.

"And you want us to just go off for the day?" she asked. "Just the two of us?"

"Am... no," Ben had to admit, "I want someone else to come, too."

_Ah, so that was the snag!_ "Who?" Lilly asked. "A woman?"

Her father nodded.

_Oh, no. He wanted a woman to come to their ranch? Was he courting someone? Whom could he mean?_

"Not Miss Hargrove!" She gave voice to her deepest fear.

Her cry was so heartfelt, Ben couldn't help but laugh.

"No," he confirmed. "Not Miss Hargrove." He hadn't even known she was back in Indian Springs.

"Then who?" Her fists found their way to her hips and she tilted her head to the side, staring at him.

"It's Mattie Silk from the saloon." And when Lilly relaxed at his answer and took her fists off her hips he added, "Do you really think I would bring someone like Miss Hargrove to join us on a picnic?"

At that Lilly smiled and shook her head. _No. She didn't think he would._

"All right then?" he asked, and she nodded. "You prepare the food and I'll get into town and fetch the lady."

 

 

 

 

 

 


	17. An outing

When Ben entered the house with Mattie, Lilly was standing at the table. The picnic basket was packed and several canteens full of fresh water were ready. Lilly was dressed in her riding skirt.

"You're not planning on riding when we're driving, are you?" Ben asked her when she had said hello to Mattie.

Lilly just looked at him, determination on her face.

"Go get into a dress, girl."

"A dress?" she echoed incredulously.

"Yes, a dress. I want two girls in my company, not a woman and a tomboy."

Lilly turned a dark shade of red, and then the anger that had begun boiling at Ben's words turned to hurt when she saw Ben grasp Mattie's hand after his words. It made her eyes fill up with tears.

Ben couldn't see it, he was turned towards Mattie, but Mattie immediately understood.

"Are you sure you can handle _two_ girls, Ben?" Mattie asked him saucily and smiled at Lilly.

Involuntarily, Lilly smiled back. Mattie moved out of Ben's touch and came towards Lilly.

"Shall I help you put the dress on?" she asked, and Lilly shot her father a dark look. Then she held out her hand and Mattie grasped it. Together they climbed the stairs to Lilly's bedroom.

Ben watched their retreating backs, Mattie's elegant and slender grace and Lilly's coltish walk... _his two girls._

He smiled. _Instinctively, Mattie had found a way to handle Lilly. What a woman she was!_

 

The dressing didn't take longer than a few minutes, but the 'prettying up' did. Mattie could see that Lilly didn't have any utensils to do anything with her hair. Except for a hairbrush and some combs there was nothing!

"What about your hair?"

"No!" The answer came quickly. "I don't want to sit still all day because my hair could come loose!"

"That's what I mean. You have to pin it up right, then you can do whatever you want."

Lilly pouted but Mattie didn't give in. She knew Ben and what he liked.

"It's easy," she said and picked up the brush.

Lilly's expression was still sceptical. Mattie just rolled her eyes in mock indignation and set to work with a little smile.

 

"There. This is much better, don't you think?" Mattie asked a quarter-hour later.

She had rearranged Lilly's curls so they were tucked away neatly without the chance of coming loose. She fully understood Lilly's need to be able to move about freely. Lilly had told her she only used to tie them up with a band, not really caring about how she looked. For Mattie it was easy to apply a few of her touches to make Lilly look lovely.

"You are a beautiful girl, Lilly, do you know that?" Mattie asked. She brushed her down a bit more and looked her over again, then smiled approval.

Lilly looked at her with serious eyes.

"Do you love my Dad?" she asked point blank.

Mattie was taken aback by the straightforward question, but when she looked into Lilly's eyes it was almost as if she looked at Ben. She couldn't help smiling; the stares of those two were so alike. And just like with Ben there seemed to be only one way to deal with Lilly: complete honesty.

"Yes. I love your Dad," she said and stood up straight. "Very much."

She had never confessed it to anyone else before, not even to herself. But once she had said it out loud Mattie realized...it was true!

Out of the corner of her eye she caught her own movement in the mirror and for a moment she looked at herself.  She knew how to pretty-up, how to make herself presentable, desirable. But Ben Warner was not fooled by a pretty image. He was a man capable of looking beyond the mask. And he was the first man since her dead husband Fee who treated her as an equal.

Fee had been nineteen - a sweet young man. She had been the mature partner in the relationship. But with Ben it was different. It wasn't only that he was much older than she was, about twenty-five years, she guessed, but he also was a very experienced and a very dominant man. She wasn't sure if she could ever be enough for him. But if nothing else she wanted to try.

"You're pretty, Mattie," Lilly said behind her. Mattie spun around.

"What?"

"Dad likes you. He thinks you're pretty. He said so to me."

"He did?"

"Yes. When I asked about you he told me that you were very kind and very pretty, and that he liked you very much. He said you were his girlfriend."

"He did?" Mattie's throat went dry. Lilly nodded, and Mattie tried to divert her thoughts onto Lilly.

"What about you, Lilly? Do you have a boyfriend?"

She nodded.

"Yes. I have Daddy."

 

~~~

 

"Here?" Lilly was angry. Ben had stopped at _their bathing place_.

Naturally, Mattie didn't know about the particular symbolism of this location. She just thought it was lovely. She did perceive Ben's and Lilly's looks, though.

"Why not? You used to love it here," Ben said. He took the harness off the horses, put halters and a long lead on them, and then led them off to a place where they could graze.

"Lilly..." Mattie started after she had spread out a blanket and begun to distribute plates for everyone, "why are you so angry at your father for stopping here?"

Lilly shot her a dark look.

"We used to come here to bathe in the river."

Mattie didn't understand. _It was a lovely place._

"Daddy told me he won't bathe with me again!"

Mattie held her breath. "Why not?"

"He doesn't love me any more!" Lilly shouted angrily. Further off Ben turned at the noise, but he was too far away to hear their conversation.

Mattie observed Lilly as she stared into space, her fists clenched. Her eyes spoke of her pain at his rejection.

"He can't have said that," Mattie was convinced.

"No. He didn't," Lilly spat at her, "but why else would he refuse?"

Mattie shrugged her shoulders. "Don't know. Did you ask him?"

Lilly cast her eyes down and shook her head. Mattie waited, but she didn't raise her eyes again.

"Shall _I_ ask him?" Mattie offered.

Now Lilly looked at her, hope in her eyes. She nodded.

"All right. But not today."

"Why not?" Lilly asked eagerly, but Mattie shook her head no.

"Today we came out here to have some fun. Your Dad needs a rest from his work. I'm not gonna make him angry, and I'm not gonna spoil my day on your ranch," Mattie said with determination.

Lilly grimaced but had to acquiesce.

 

From further off Ben could see the two in conversation, the pale, cream figure with red hair and his tomboy in a summer dress with her curls all tamed for once. The sun was scorching, and even though Mattie had not for once left the shade, her pale skin was flushed, and she looked hot. Absent-mindedly, she fanned herself while talking animatedly to Lilly.

He took a deep breath.  It was too early to say whether those two would get along, but as he walked back to them he sure hoped they would.

 

 

"So... what were you talking about at the picnic?" Ben inquired after he had dropped Mattie off at the saloon, and he and Lilly were on their way back to the ranch.

"Girl talk," Lilly said. "Not for you."

"Oh...?" Ben exaggerated his surprised look and Lilly had to smile.

He cast her a sly glance.

"Come on, tell me, Little Flower," he teased. "Can't have been about horses. Mattie knows nothing about them. Oh... _I know!_ " He paused for more dramatic impact and Lilly looked at him suspiciously. _What was he up to now?_

"Two girls together," Ben said, "must have been about boys."

"No!"

"Of course! Girls always talk about men – how great they are, how wonderful..."

"That's not what we talked about!"

Ben laughed.

"Then it must have been about love! Women always talk about love," Ben stated as if this was a sure fact and Lilly could only confirm it.

She scoffed dismissively.

"Love!" _Nah, that wasn't for her!_

Ben cast her a look. "Don't scorn love, Little Flower, or it'll get back at you and bite you."

"Is that a quote from the Bible?" Lilly asked suspiciously.

Ben smirked. "Why would you think that?"

"Only the Bible would combine 'love' and 'bite'," Lilly said.

Ben chuckled. "Oh, so you think the Bible and love don't go together?"

"Don't try to tell me the Bible is full of love, Daddy, 'cause it isn't!"

"And how would _you_ know?" Ben challenged her. "Never seen you actually read the book. Last time I heard you quote from it you were awfully off."

"Just because you know it all by heart doesn't mean I don't know the Bible. I do. And I haven't found _one_ story where there is love between men and women!”

"Oh, there is," Ben assured her, remembering how he had once tried to woo Rachel with his Bible quotes. "When you're in love, Lilly, you go pick the 'Song of Solomon' from the Bible. See what it can teach you."

_"‘Teach',_ Daddy?" Now there was another of her sore spots, this one undoubtedly created by Miss Hargrove. But Ben remained patient.

"You just wait and see."

"Don't have to wait," Lilly said. Ben perked up and gave her a sharp look. _Lilly had only turned eleven. What could she mean, for God's sake?_

"I'm already in love with a wonderful man – you."

His look said he was dismissing her comment as irony. But Lilly's voice was serious when she said

"Who can live up to you, anyway?"

Ben chose not to answer. He just clicked his tongue to make the horses go faster.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	18. Why do women bleed?

"William...?"

"Hm...?"

"Do you ever think about children?"

"Already? I thought we were agreed we didn't want any children yet," William said, turning in bed to look at Sandy.

"Susan..."

_Oh no... Susan again..._

"... she asked me if I was pregnant. I  said no, and that was that. But today she made a remark like... like I was no real woman if I had no child..."

"Sandy..." William started as if to reprimand, but then thought better of it. "That's rubbish and you know it. I _know_ you are a real woman. I understand," he continued, "you want to pay her back in her own coin. But do you really think it would be easier for you if you were pregnant?"

"No." Sandy shook her head. _No, of course not! What had she been thinking? It was as if being cooped up in the house and listening to Susan all day made her lose her ability to think straight. Of course the time for a child wasn't right yet. And not just that..._

"You know, even sex is no fun with Mark and Susan around, listening."

William chuckled. "We won't be here forever, you know."

"What do you mean?"

He grinned. This was the perfect moment to tell Sandy about their new home.

 

~~~

 

"Lilly!" Mrs. Miller was really glad to see the girl. "Good that you have come. We couldn't talk last time, I know. But this time we will."

Lilly smiled. _Yes, that was the Mrs. Miller she knew and remembered. Outgoing and considerate to all her customers, and a friend and surrogate mother for her. Those constant interruptions last time had just been unfortunate, but this time they would talk..._

The shop's bell rang and Mrs. Benson entered.

_Oh great. Mrs. Benson, of all people, listening in to her conversation with Mrs. Miller! This was gonna go exactly like the last time!_

But Mrs. Miller saw Lilly's expression and acted immediately.

"Michael!" she called out to her husband. "Shop!"

"Aye... coming."

Mrs. Miller nodded a polite greeting towards Mrs. Benson and led Lilly into the storeroom.

"Help me unpack those cans, will you, Lilly?"

She pointed to several crates standing in the middle of the storeroom.

Together they unpacked the crates. Lilly placed the cans on a table, and Mrs. Miller stacked them on the shelf along the wall.

"What do you want to talk about, my precious?" Mrs. Miller cooed like in old times.

_My precious._

Lilly smiled. Some of her fondest memories were connected to this endearment... baking cookies... listening to stories... hiding between the huge bedsheets when they were hanging to dry... and, of course, being cuddled and handed a candy for being 'such a sweet girl'.

"Well..." Lilly started. "You know, Mrs. Miller... when you grow up..."

_How to phrase this?_

"... when things happen _for the first time_..."

_The first time? That girl was already thinking about men? At her age? Impossible. Lilly was only eleven! This had to be stopped!_

"Lilly! This is not for you to ask!"

Lilly was taken aback by Mrs. Miller's emotional reaction.

_Why not? Didn't women talk about this? Like Sarah's mother had explained to her daughter. Granted, Mrs. Miller was not her mother, but she had taught her so many things, stepping into the role of second mother willingly, why not this time?_

"Why not?" Lilly asked.

"Why not?" Mrs. Miller echoed. "Why, it's indecent! That's what it is! You don't talk about those things, not at your age, anyway. And here of all places... in the shop... where there are people to overhear... a subject like this..."

Lilly could see that her motherly friend was disgusted, even horrified. _What had she done wrong? This bleeding business must really be disgusting._

 

Mrs. Miller's hand clenched around the next can. _Was she too hard on the girl? It wasn't the girl's fault that she spoke too freely. She wasn't used to proper behaviour with all the men she was surrounded by on the ranch. No! Lilly was a girl. It was exactly because she was surrounded by men only that she had to learn decency!_

"Lilly... you shouldn't even think about this at your age, let alone talk about it," she said calmly. "There'll be enough time for this when you are grown up. Meanwhile just be a good girl, do you hear?"

_A good girl! What was that supposed to mean?_

"That's exactly it!" Lilly shouted. "Everybody is treating me like a child. I'm not a child any more!"

With this she threw the two cans she held on the table and stormed out.

 

Outside she ran into Mattie, who was on her way to the millinery to pick up a new hat.

They walked on together. But small talk wasn't Lilly's forte. Mattie quickly spotted that there was something wrong.

"What is it, Lilly?" she asked. "Are you angry at me?"

"No!" Lilly was astonished. _Why should she be angry at Mattie?_

"Well, you act as if you don't even want to talk to me. What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing..." Lilly's voice was small. Mrs. Miller had made her feel like a little child! "I wanted to ask Mrs. Miller something, and she..."

Lilly shot a glance at Mattie. "She... oh," she threw her hands up in a gesture of helplessness.  "I just wanted to ask her about something."

"Can't you ask me instead?"

Lilly looked at Mattie.

"I don't know."

Mattie laughed. "Why don't you try?"

"I... well, I... it's something private," she finally admitted.

"Is it about your father?"

"No... it's..." Lilly squirmed. She didn't want to broach the subject in the open street, but then she wanted to know, didn't she?

"Tell me," Mattie said calmly.

Lilly cast a quick look around, but there was nobody in earshot.

"Mattie... is it true that women... _bleed_...? You know..."

Mattie laughed. It was a laughter of relief.

" _That's_ what you wanted to know?" she asked lightly.

Lilly nodded, astonished at Mattie's easy ways.

"Yeah," Mattie said casually, "women bleed. Mostly once a month, but sometimes it's a bit different. Nothing to worry about, though," she added.

"Nothing to worry about?" Lilly asked. _How could this be something NOT to worry about?_

"No," Mattie said. "It's just for you getting ready to make a baby. That's all. Animals have it, too, don't they?" she then asked. "They smell different. Horses get skittish, and dogs mate in the streets."

_That was true. Lilly had seen it before – and never given it a second thought._

"But isn't it... awfully dirty?" she asked, her nose wrinkled in disgust.

"So what?" Mattie asked. "You can always wash. And there are ways to protect your clothes. It's not so bad" – _and during these times men leave you alone. That is something that cannot be treasured too highly_ – Mattie added in her thoughts.

"Really?" Lilly's expression had turned from disgusted to interested.

"But why do you need to bleed again and again?" she asked. “Once a month is awfully often.”

"Don't know," Mattie shrugged her shoulders. "That's the way it is. Were worse if it were once a week," she added feeling she was on the right way with Lilly. _I wouldn't mind, though, if it were indeed once a week,_ Mattie thought, but – again - she wouldn't say that to Lilly.

"You bleeding already?" she then asked Lilly but the girl shook her head.

"No. My friend Sarah told me.  She's already thirteen."

Mattie smiled.

"Don't worry about it, Lilly. If you want to I can show you what to do so you won't feel uncomfortable. It's really no big deal," she repeated.

_Yeah, she would like that. Mattie had a way of making it all sound so easy. Quite the opposite to Sarah, or Mrs. Miller – or Elizabeth Ann who had been so squeamish about it. But she couldn't show her in the open street, could she?_

"You'd have to come to the ranch for that," Lilly said.

"I'd love to, Lilly. But before inviting me you should ask your father."

"What should she ask her father?" Ben's voice suddenly spoke up behind them.

"Daddy!"

Lilly jumped into her father's arms and he swung her around. Mattie was watching and a confusing feeling of jealousy hit her.

"I've invited Mattie to the ranch, Daddy."

"Have you?" Ben asked. "And what did she say?" He eyed Mattie smugly.

"She will only say yes if you allow it."

"Hm... I'll have to think about that first." Ben smiled at Mattie. She blushed under his gaze.

Lilly wasn't misled by his manner. She softly boxed him in his side.

"Ouch!" Ben called out. "Don't be such a brute, girl. Well..." he sighed dramatically, "...if you really want the lady on the ranch, Lilly," – he looked at his daughter – "then there's nothing I can do about it."

He looked at Mattie with a hopeful glint in his eye.

"Coming with us now?" he asked. She hesitated.

"No men for you tonight, Mattie. Have a break from work and come with us."

When Mattie still hesitated he added, "We have a spare bedroom you can sleep in."

At that she smiled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	19. Mattie's visit

By the time they arrived at the ranch it was already time to prepare supper. Mattie had never done anything in a kitchen before, and so Lilly taught her new friend to do fried potatoes with bacon and carrots, astonished how someone could go through life without preparing food.

"Your mother didn't teach you how to cook?"

Mattie shook her head at Lilly's question.

"My mother didn't know how to cook herself. She could only teach me what she knew, Lilly. And besides, I grew up in a saloon. Nobody cooks in a saloon."

"So what was it your mother taught you?"

 

_"Pay attention, girl. You'll be doing it next."_

_Young Mattie's eyes widened as she realized that her mother was bending closer to the man's... piece... not so that she could see better but to actually_ swallow it _..._

 

"Mattie!"

"What?"

For a moment Mattie was confused.

"Don't let the potatoes burn. You need to move them around in the pan! And you need to use some more fat or they'll stick. Be quick!"

Mattie jumped to the task, happy that Lilly didn't insist on her answering the question.

 

 

After supper when Lilly and Mattie had finished washing up Ben asked

"Now... it's too early to go to bed. What do we do now?"

"I know," Lilly cried, "a book!"

"Okay. Get one."

_Book?_

Mattie was puzzled.

"We often sit in front of the fireplace and read in the evenings," Ben explained. "Sometimes we read to each other."

"Here..." Lilly had returned with a book he knew.

"Lilly, that's not a good one," Ben said. "The story is too long to read in one evening."

"So what?" Lilly answered, "Mattie will visit us again, and then we read on."

Ben smirked. _Good idea. This way Mattie HAD to come back._

 

"Here, Mattie," Lilly said and thrust the book in Mattie's hands.

"You read for us."

She pushed Mattie towards and into the middle armchair, so she and her father could sit to Mattie's right and left and listen comfortably.

Mattie blushed.

Ben had already fallen into the armchair to her right, his arms behind his head, his legs stretched out, waiting for her to begin.

But Mattie didn't read.

When the silence wore on, they both turned to look at her. Mattie's embarrassment heightened.

"I... I can't read," she whispered, her eyes on the book in her lap.

Lilly was stunned. "Didn't you learn it at school?" she asked.

Mattie shook her head. "I never went to school..." Tears were colouring her words. She didn't dare to move. All she wanted was to run away.  _Another situation where she wasn't good enough!_

Ben took the book from her.

He shifted until he was seated comfortably and opened the book, ignoring Mattie's plight. _She wouldn't want him to make any more fuss. She was already embarrassed enough..._

 

_" 'London was fifteen hundred years old, and was a great town - for that day. It had a hundred thousand inhabitants - some think double as many. The streets were very narrow, and crooked, and dirty, especially in the part where Tom Canty lived, which was not far from London Bridge...' "_

 

When Mattie realized that that terrible moment was over, that Ben had, in fact, already begun reading and she wouldn't be questioned any further, she slowly relaxed and began listening to what he read.

 

_" 'The houses were of wood, with the second story projecting over the first, and the third sticking its elbows out beyond the second. The higher the houses grew, the broader they grew. They were skeletons of strong criss-cross beams, with solid material between, coated with plaster. The beams were painted red or blue or black, according to the owner's taste, and this gave the houses a very picturesque look. The windows were small, glazed with little diamond-shaped panes, and they opened outward, on hinges, like doors.' "_

 

"That's funny," Mattie remarked.

"Hm, I'd like to see a picture of this."

Ben skimmed through the book. "No pictures inside, Little Flower. You'll have to travel to London to see it."

"Nah, I think I'll stay here. It sounds way too crowded."

"Yeah," Ben retorted, "bet it was."

He cast a short look at Mattie.  She had composed herself and was listening to their conversation.

 

_" 'The house which Tom's father lived in was up a foul little pocket called Offal Court, out of Pudding Lane. It was small, decayed and rickety, but it was packed full of wretchedly poor families...' "_

 

Mattie wasn't used to somebody reading stories to her. Ben's sonorous voice didn't only conjure up a very strong image, when he spoke about the poverty she was suddenly transported back to Boston and the tent she and her mother had lived in.

 

_" 'Canty's tribe occupied a room on the third floor. The mother and father had a sort of bedstead in the corner; but Tom, his grandmother, and his two sisters, Bet and Nan, were not restricted - they had all the floor to themselves, and might sleep where they chose.' "_

 

"Great," Lilly said sarcastically. "I'll take the corner in the left."

Ben chuckled, but then he looked at Mattie, meaning to draw her into their conversation. When he saw her eyes he closed the book and put it aside immediately.

"What is it, baby?" he whispered and eased out of his armchair to kneel before hers.

Silent tears ran down her cheeks.

"Mattie...?" Lilly was confused. _What was wrong?_

Ben waved at her, silencing her.

"Tell us," he said softly, gripping her upper arms and shaking her gently.

"The crib..." Mattie said quietly.

"Crib?" Lilly echoed. She didn't understand. But Ben did.

"Where was this?" he asked.

"Boston," Mattie answered. "My mother was a crib woman there."

It was all she said, all she needed to say. Tears filled her eyes again, spilled over and ran along her face.

"Get a wet cloth, Lilly," Ben ordered and quickly Lilly ran up the stairs to her bedroom.

 

When she was gone he asked "how old were you then?"

She shook her head.

"Don't know. A little girl. There was a man. He took us away. We were in a small room. Then the man was gone and we lived in the brothel. We had enough to eat there."

_Her mother - a crib woman. That explained a lot about Mattie's upbringing, especially her fragile, much-too-slim form. She had been starving during her childhood years!_

 

Crib women were among the lowest of the prostitutes. A crib was just a shack, often no more than a tent that a woman set up along a street. Any customer such a woman could entice to spend a few minutes inside was of the lowest kind, financially and socially.

Once a woman had become a crib woman, she was rock bottom. It was a situation almost impossible to get out of.

_But Mattie had told him that at age twelve they had lived in a brothel. Somehow Mattie's mother must have managed to get away from the street. Remarkable!_

 

Lilly came back with a wet wash cloth. Tenderly, Ben wiped Mattie's face; he wouldn't let her do it herself.

"Maybe we should read a different book," Lilly said. "I know - a fairy tale!" She turned and ran up again.

Mattie touched Ben's hand. "Don't tell her... please," she pleaded.

Reassuringly, he shook his head. _Of course not. No matter how honest and open Ben treated his daughter, this was a subject they would not discuss._

Lilly came back with a worn, dog-eared book. Ben groaned inwardly. _Oh, no. Anything but that..._

 

 

"It's the best fairy tale of them all!"

"It is so very brutal, Lilly!"

"I don't care, Mattie, it's my favourite!"

Mattie was aghast, but Ben only smirked. _'Little Red Riding Hood' was Lilly's favourite story, no matter what. She loved the setting, she relished in the little girl's disobedience... hell! She even liked the wolf!_

"Move, Lilly. I don't wanna sleep on the stairs," Ben said when Lilly stopped on the staircase to talk to Mattie in length. But Ben wouldn't allow any further conversation. It had become way too late for that.

 

"Goodnight, Mattie." Lilly hugged her new friend fiercely.

"Goodnight, Lilly."

Shyly, Mattie looked up at Ben.

He didn't say anything. He only planted a soft kiss on her cheek.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book that is being read from in this chapter is "The Prince and the Pauper" by Mark Twain.


	20. Mattie's nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: This is a brutal chapter with an explicit sexual nightmare. If this is not for you, you can skip this chapter without losing important information about the plot/the story.

Mattie lay awake for a long time. She felt so _safe_ in this room and in this bed.

She had felt safe the moment she had entered the house, the moment she had seen Ben's hat and holster hanging on the doornail, the moment she was surrounded by his smell and all the things that mirrored his personality.

She took a deep breath and tried to imagine his arms around her, tried to feel his body close to hers, his feet warming hers as they always did when they snuggled up for the night.

But sleep didn't come. It was one thing to imagine something nice, but quite another to know that, although close-by, it was out of reach...

 

Ben lay awake, too. He thought of his two girls getting along so well. He pictured Mattie in this very house, at the stove cooking for them. He pictured her getting ready for the night, walking up the stairs, opening the door to HIS bedroom...

_If only Mattie would want to give up the cat-house, if only she would want to live here with them. Somehow he must convince her that life with him and Lilly was better than staying in the saloon._

Sleep wouldn't come to him. Mattie was so close - he wished he could just walk over and sleep in her bed tonight. But she was a guest in his house and could expect to be safe from any unwanted attention.

 

 

_A saloon filled with people. Laughter, noise, music._

_Everybody staring at her._

_Men shouting numbers - higher, and higher, and higher._

_Bidding for a young girl with red curls._

_A fat man at the far end of the saloon smoking a big cigar._

_He raises his arm for the next bid, smiling, calling out a number._

_– No! Not him! That man is doing bad things. She knows. She overheard the girls telling each other about him. –_

_Another voice - somebody else is bidding against him._

_– Thank God! –_

_Again the fat man bids for the girl._

_The price climbs higher and higher but the fat man doesn't give up._

_And the girl's mother smiles - she will receive the lion's share of the money. She doesn't mind the fat man._

 

_Her mother's smile flipped a switch in Mattie: from now on she would never again trust her mother with anything!_

_The auction marked her, Mattie's, entrance into the ranks of the soiled doves of the establishment. Up to now everything had been about 'teaching her' - while her mother pocketed the money the men paid for being allowed to 'teach' her._

_But from this night on Young Mattie would receive the money for what she did. She was a whore in her own right now. And she had her own room and would never have to sleep in her mother's room again!_

_That night, after the fat man had won the bidding and taken her to her room, fifteen-year-old Mattie learned about anal penetration..._

 

Both Lilly and Ben heard her scream and raced over, but Ben was faster, already holding her tight when Lilly stumbled into the room, drowsy from sleep.

While Lilly was fetching a glass of cold water for Mattie from the kitchen Ben tried to coax the dream out of her, but she couldn't tell. The shock was still too vibrant. And once Lilly returned it was impossible.

 

They wouldn't let her sleep alone that night. Both Ben and Lilly climbed into bed with Mattie and lay down to her left and right, warming her with their bodies and comforting her with their presence.

When Ben woke before sunrise the next morning, Mattie and Lilly lay spooned together. He couldn't see Mattie's face; it was buried in Lilly's hair. Mattie's fiery red strands mixed with Lilly's light brown curls... _his two sweet girls!_

Softly, Ben left the room.

 

 

When he entered the house for breakfast he stopped right in the door frame. Mattie and Lilly were at the table, sitting bent towards each other, their heads almost touching. They were talking animatedly, but so quietly that he couldn't make out anything.

For long moments Ben just stood there enjoying the scene. When he decided he had enough and breakfast would be nice, he closed the door.

As soon as Mattie and Lilly became aware of him, they sprung up guiltily and occupied themselves with frying eggs and bacon. At the stove they kept glancing at each other. Suddenly Lilly giggled. Mattie giggled in answer to Lilly's giggle, and soon the two couldn't be stopped and laughed long and hard.

Ben smiled and sat down in front of his plate.

"What are you two laughing about?" he asked, but both of them fell silent at his question. For a moment Ben felt like an outcast. _As good as it was to hear laughter in the house and to know that those two were getting on with each other so well, it would be nicer to be part of it..._

 

After breakfast Ben and Lilly showed Mattie the ranch. Mattie didn't know any of the horses yet and Lilly insisted Mattie see her beloved mare first. The mare's leg had mended well after her accident two years prior, but riding had proved to be a problem. She just couldn't carry a rider more than half an hour without getting lame.

Ben had suggested Lilly fetch another horse for riding and let the mare enjoy motherhood. The first filly had been born this spring, and Lilly presented the mare's foal to Mattie as if she herself had given birth to it.

"Her father is the finest stallion we have," she said proudly and Mattie saw Ben smile at the statement. 

"She wouldn't give in," he explained to Mattie, "only the best for her mare. She didn't even ask what her mare thought about that stallion," he added trying to provoke his daughter.

"Hah!" Lilly was quick to pick up the gauntlet. "She liked him! You know she did! But he was a bit rough with her."

"Nonsense, Lilly," Ben retorted, "that's the way nature is. A stallion isn't a pet. And a mare can always kick back. It's not that she's a helpless little girl."

_Now where had this come from? Suddenly, Mattie's plight stood vividly in front of his inner eye. Oh no! He hadn't meant to remind her of that!_

But Mattie didn't correlate his words with her nightmare. Instead she was surprised at Ben's and Lilly's banter and enjoying it.

On their walk back they took a different route, passing the paddocks where the stallions were.

"That's the one!" Lilly pointed to a tall chestnut. "That's the father of my foal!" Ben laughed aloud at her phrasing, but Lilly just shrugged her shoulders at him and proceeded to tell Mattie about the little animal's first few days, and how she had once fallen asleep in its box.

 

Suddenly there was a commotion; one of the stallions had broken free from the ranch hands. Still in the paddock he evaded their grip on his halter and pranced around them, taking a defensive stance as if he were about to attack...

Ben walked over. "Need help, boys?"

"Aye," Jason called back. "He broke free before we could tie the rope. Cheeky bugger," he explained when Ben had walked up. Ben chuckled and slipped in between the railings. "Move back," he said quietly to the ranch hands without taking his eyes off the stallion.

 

Mattie watched Ben approach the stallion slowly, rope in hand. The animal raised its head aggressively and stamped his foot, but then the ranch hands moved away from them, and Ben was the only one standing in front of him without moving. The stallion calmed down. He knew this human to be the alpha amongst the humans around him. He had dealt with him before. _But he was the alpha amongst the stallions!_

"Caaaalm, boy... calm down..."

The deep purring voice didn't only work on women; it worked on horses, too, Mattie realized.

"Mattie..." Lilly started.

"What?" Mattie didn't turn. It was too fascinating to watch Ben handle the testosterone-laden beast.

"How is it for a girl the first time a man... you know... _touches_... Does it hurt?"

Ben's hand touched and patted the stallion's neck. Most men would have tied the rope immediately, but Ben knew better than that. _The horse needed to be able to ascertain and demonstrate his status. Just a few  moments of freedom could do wonders. He knew. He was the same._

 

Suddenly the stallion hocked his neck, and his forelegs lifted off the ground only slightly, but it was warning enough. _He didn't want to be bound... just yet!_

"Woah, boy..." Ben said, "caaaaalm..." He didn't move. _To move forward would be foolish; the stallion would see it as attack, and to move backwards meant giving up his rank. That was out of the question._

He added a whistle, and the stallion remembered both the whistle and the handling he had gotten at the hand of this man the last time. _He had even gotten a sweet fruit! And he couldn't scare this human, anyway. He tried last time and it just wouldn't work. They had teased each other until, finally, they had reached a truce. That human was the same rank as he was; they had already settled that. He wasn't a rival or opponent, he was a partner, so why should he bother?_

The stallion stood and relaxed, and he extended his head to Ben. _Perhaps he could get a pat._  

 

"I can't tell you now, Lilly. That's a talk just for the two of us," Mattie said to Lilly, and Lilly nodded understanding. _Of course. Such a conversation was private. But Mattie didn't shy away. She would tell her, whether now or later was immaterial._

They shared a smile.

 

Ben had fastened the rope and after patting the stallion some more handed him over to Jason.

"Ben, I have to go soon," Mattie said when he had joined them again.

_Yes, it was already afternoon. A pity. He wished she could stay._

"Can't you stay, Mattie?" Lilly asked and Ben smiled. _Yes, that was what he wanted, too. Lilly was paving the way... good._

Mattie saw Ben smile. _How she wished she could stay! How she wished she didn't have to go back into town! Perhaps if Ben kept her on the ranch..._

She shook her head. _No use. Why should he keep her around all the time? It was much more convenient for him to visit her whenever_ he _felt like wanting her company. It was a fact of life that if you didn't work to feed yourself, you couldn't eat. Why should anybody else feed you...?_

 

Ben saw Mattie shake her head. She was sad to leave, he could read it in her eyes, but she wanted to leave nonetheless. _Patience..._ he reminded himself... _Have patience with her... it will pay off. One day she might want to stay._

 

"You have to come back."

Mattie smiled. "I will, Lilly."

"I'll fetch you Sunday. We're going to a picnic."

Mattie nodded a little hesitantly. _The way he said this it sounded as if there was something to this picnic..._

"Promise, Mattie."

Lilly's earnest look made Mattie happy. In those two short days, Lilly had become as special to her as Ben. She was like a little sister.

"I promise."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	21. A whore at a picnic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you were skipping the last chapter:  
> Mattie's visit increases Mattie's wish to stay with Ben but also cements her belief that she will never leave the cat-house. Ben, on the other hand, decides to be patient but to - ultimately - convince Mattie to come and stay with him and Lilly.

Back at the saloon that night Sheriff Davis came to her for a blow-job.

The sheriff was an easy customer. He was friendly and always polite in his dealings with the saloon girls. When Mattie had lowered her prices in order to make more money, he had become one of her regular customers, visiting her at least once, sometimes twice a week. Their encounters were almost a pleasant routine by now.

All Mattie had to do was kneel before him, look up at him imploringly and say "please, may I...," and she could suck him off.

He was never brutal, never demanding of more, and the utmost that had ever happened had been that once, in his moment of release, he had pressed her head close choking her. He had let go of her immediately, no harm done, normalcy established again.

Mattie knew exactly what he expected. But tonight she couldn't do it. She knelt before him and he was waiting for her to expose him, but tears welled up in her eyes and she swallowed hard. _She didn't want to touch him! She didn't want to smell him! Not him, nor any other man!_

A recent experience with Ben rose in front of her inner eye.  She saw his smile as he launched himself at her, tickling her mercilessly. Her whole body warmed and tingled at the memory.

"Something the matter?" Sheriff Davis asked when Mattie didn't move.

Mattie swallowed her longing and managed to answer in a calm and even voice.

"Please, can we do it different tonight?"

"Different? How do you mean?"

"Normal. On the bed."

"Nah, Miss Silk. 'Normal' is for my wife. You're the whore. You suck me off."

He opened his trousers himself, and Mattie couldn't evade the sight and smell any longer.

Something switched off in her - a light that had just started glowing was snuffed out before it had a chance to illuminate...

 

~~~

 

"There. That's that curl set right. - It's a pity we can't use the red ribbon yet," Mattie said, weighing it in her hand thoughtfully.

Lilly rolled her eyes at Mattie's remark, not sure what she was supposed to think of the mentioned gift.

Mattie had given her a red ribbon as a symbol for her 'womanhood'. She had explained that as soon as Lilly started bleeding, she was allowed to wear it. The ribbon was broad enough to be used as a belt on a dress, or it could be plaited in Lilly's hair.

Mattie hoped Lilly would feel 'grown up' instead of 'dirty' when experiencing her menses, but Lilly was so unpretentious the gift didn't hit home. She was genuinely uninterested in her looks.

 

Two more pins, and Mattie had tamed Lilly's hair.

"That's it. As pretty as you can be." Mattie was quite proud of the way she had arranged Lilly's wilful curls. But Lilly wasn't really that impressed.

"There's no need for me to be 'pretty', Mattie. It's just a picnic with my friend Sarah and her parents."

"But there will be many opportunities when you want to pretty up." Mattie was convinced of this. "Maybe not just yet, but later, when you are grown up."

"When I'm grown up I'm going to be a horsewoman."

Lilly was turning in front of the mirror, checking out what Mattie had done to her dress and hair.

 

_"When I'm grown up I'm gonna be a lady."_

_A little girl of eight with red curls stood in front of a mirror and turned, looking at herself with a proud smile. The girl had been prettied-up by her mother and another saloon girl. Now she was ready to go down to the saloon with them and serve drinks to the men there... her whole exterior was meant to entice them with her innocence to spend some of their money on the whores, one of which was the little girl's mother._

_The same mother whose face now contorted into a snarl. A fist clenched in the freshly-brushed hair and pulled at it savagely, yanking the girl's head aside so that it hurt._

_"A lady. Don't make me laugh. You'll be a whore, my girl, nothing more. You're born a whore, and that's all you'll ever be!"_

 

"Are you ready, ladies?" Ben asked looking in on them and smiled at the sight of his little flower all fixed up in a dress. After all, it _was_ a rare sight.

 

When Ben arrived with his daughter at the picnic site the Pattersons were stunned.  It was Mattie Silk who was with them. Everybody knew that Ben Warner was seeing her regularly and even spent whole nights with her, but to have to endure the presence of a whore at something like a Sunday picnic was unheard of.

Mattie picked up on the change of atmosphere and hesitated but Ben's grip on her hand was solid, their fingers intertwined. She looked up at him but, as usual, his face gave nothing away. Lilly ran to meet her friend.

As Ben had anticipated both Mr. and Mrs. Patterson went out of their way to act as if nothing was wrong. But the tension was there, sizzling in the air. It was Lilly's friend Sarah who in all innocence opened Pandora's box.

"Mattie? What is a 'whore'?" she asked.

The adults froze. Ben's eyes darted towards the Pattersons, who were thunderstruck. Mr. Patterson frowned. _Where had his daughter picked up such an expression?_ He glanced at his wife and found his answer.

Ben waited for Mrs. Patterson to answer the question of her daughter, but when she saw his look she busied herself with cutting up the bread.

Ben glanced at Mattie, who had blushed.

"A whore is a woman who takes care of the needs of men," Ben said to the girl.

Mrs. Patterson's face turned a bright red.

"Mr. Warner!" she exclaimed.

"What?" Ben retorted. "You're using the word in front of your daughter but don't explain it when she asks... What's wrong with my explanation?"

The two girls had accepted Ben's open answer. But Sarah was puzzled.

"Mama is taking care of Papa, too. But she said she is no whore. What's wrong about being a whore?" she asked innocently, her eyes darting to Mattie shyly, clearly at odds with having to reconcile the word's implied horror with the sweet and friendly lady in front of her.

The Pattersons were both silent. Lilly looked at Mattie, expecting an answer just like Sarah did. Mattie's hands, which still held the plates she had begun to distribute, started shaking.

"It's not wrong." Ben's calm voice answered Sarah's question.

Now the girl was confused.

"But Mama says it is," she said, her eyes going from Mattie to Ben and to her mother.

Mattie looked at Ben. His look back at her and a slight shake of his head said 'don't bother about it', but she couldn't control herself any longer, couldn't keep up an impartial expression. Her eyes filled with tears. They were overspilling and she set down the plates in a panic, then rose quickly and ran off to some trees nearby behind which she could hide.

Lilly wanted to jump up and run after her, but a gesture from Ben stopped her. He rose and followed where Mattie had gone, slowly walking up from behind. He heard her suppress her sobs with both her hands pressed on her mouth and meant to wait for her to calm down before making his presence known. But her sobs only got worse. Silently he stepped up close behind her and folded his arms around her waist. He lowered his head and placed a soft kiss onto her neck.

It broke her completely. Sobbing she turned in his arms and let herself be hugged while her tears soaked his shirt above his vest. His arms held her tight; his voice was low and purring.

"Shhh, girl. Nothing to cry about. They have no idea _who_ you are and what you are to me."

That sunk in, and after a few more hiccups she was able to look at him. Though her vision was blurred she couldn't help noticing his soft smile. His hands left her waist and covered her cheeks, his thumbs brushed away her tears.

"I never told you, did I? Always thought you knew anyway."

He didn't want a proposal to enter this moment. Instead he gripped her in a tight embrace and kissed her soundly, knowing she wouldn't... couldn't remain still in his grip. When she kissed him back and moaned he released her lips.

"Do you think that they are closer than we are?" he whispered in her ear. "Even though they call themselves 'husband and wife'?"

He searched her eyes. They made a quick shift from arousal to confusion and finally to love. It made him smile. _Mattie might be the most refined whore in Harris' saloon, playing the men like no one else could – but he would always be able to read her like an open book... whether she wanted him to or not._

"Let's go home, Mattie. I want to talk to you serious." His voice was that low purr again, the one that made her forget her own thoughts and set her on fire. Not too certain on her own legs she let herself be dragged back to the picnic party by Ben where he proceeded to tell Mr. and Mrs. Patterson in very clear terms that they preferred their own company for now.

 

 

"I've been thinking..." Ben started when they were back on the ranch and Lilly had vanished in her room to exchange her Sunday frock for her comfortable riding skirt.

"What?" Mattie asked.

 

"You share my bed and you like it, Mattie-girl, don't you?" he asked. She nodded confirmation.

"And you said yourself, you would like to learn to cook and sew and have a place of your own one day, didn't you?" he continued.

Again, she nodded. _Where was he going with this?_

_Dammit! Why was it so hard to say this straight out to a woman? After his more-than-disastrous experiences with Miss Hargrove and Mary, and especially after he knew how Mattie and Lilly had taken to one another one should think that a proposal to set up house together with a woman he... well, was really very fond of... wasn't such a big deal._

"What, Ben?" Mattie asked innocently, completely unaware of his train of thought.

"Why don't you share the rest with me, too?" he finally said.

"The rest?" she asked uncomprehending.

"With _us_ , Mattie, both me _and_ Lilly," Ben corrected himself. No. Talking was no good. He stepped up to her and drew her in an experienced lover's embrace, kissing her soundly until he felt her knees go soft. Then he placed his lips at her ear whispering

"Stay with us here on the ranch and share our lives, Mattie. I don't want to be without you any longer. I don't want to go down into town for just a night with you. I want you here _every_ night. And I don't want to share you."

She gave a small helpless cry of shock at his words, her legs gave way, and he had to grip her tight to keep her upright.

"Hey, what's that?" he asked. "Is that such a bad thing?"

"You sure you mean this, Ben?" she whispered.

_Those blue-green eyes of his, fixed on her, looking so seriously into hers._

"Yes, baby, I mean it."

 

 

 

 

 

 


	22. Leaving the cat-house

Three days later Ben had installed Mattie on the ranch, much to the delight of the gossip mongers in town who hadn't had a really juicy piece of news for quite a long time.

Naturally, it hadn't been hard for Mattie to say good-bye to the life she had led in the saloon, but it had been hard to say good-bye to her friend Lucy.

 

"I'm gonna miss you, Mattie. None to tell me to wash me eyes properly before lying my head on the pillows, none to help me pretty up when I'm down. And none to mix me a 'rouser' when me head hurts from the booze."

Mattie placed a last trinket in her chest, then she closed it and looked around. _The rest she would leave behind. There was no need for any perfume bottles on a horse ranch. Or in Ben Warner's bedroom._

A sudden feeling of panic seized her. _Was she really good enough to do this? What if he tired of her in a few weeks?_

Mattie sighed. _Then she would have to move on. As scared as she was of the step she was about to take, she would never forgive herself for not trying to be as much as she could for him. And even if he were to cast her out later on, he couldn't take away her memory, the memory of a man who loved her enough to take her out of the cat-house and make her his woman. Better have him one night than not have him at all._

She took off the brooch on her collar and handed it to Lucy.

"Here. I want you to have this."

"But Mattie. You said yourself, this is an expensive one. And one day you would sell it to go away and set yourself up somewhere..."

"I'm going, aren't I?" Mattie asked, and they became aware again that this was good-bye. Lucy and Mattie embraced.

"Good luck," Lucy said, tears colouring her words.

"I'll see you 'round, Lucy," Mattie said, confirming their bond with a warm hug and, bravely, Lucy nodded. _If only she could get out, too. If only Jason could save more money..._

 

~~~

 

Three days later Mattie realized that it wasn't _that_ easy to say good-bye to the cat-house.

 

She and Lilly were doing the laundry, and while Lilly was happy that her workload had suddenly halved, for Mattie the work was new - and hard.

It was autumn and the sun wasn't hot any longer, but Mattie had lived all her life indoors, and she was a pale-skinned redhead. It didn't take long to exhaust her.

Hot from the sun and the unfamiliar work, she sat down in the shade and closed her eyes. _It was way too hot, and that blouse was suffocating her!_

Panting, she opened the buttons on her collar when suddenly she heard a chuckle.

"Keep going, doll. All the way down. Don't get that many pokes any more, do ya, with only an old man around? Must be missing them by now."

Mattie opened her eyes and saw one of the ranch hands, a sturdy young man whose name she couldn't remember. _Was it 'Jack'?_

She had seen the man several times in the saloon. He had never dared approach her there, but now he was eyeing her cleavage.

Realizing where she was - and what he was implying - Mattie covered herself with her hands and quickly rose to her feet. The heat and the sudden movement made her dizzy, and she swayed so much the man in front of her steadied her with both his hands on her upper arms, a superior smile on his face.

"Let me go," Mattie said to him, but her mouth was dry and she could only whisper. The smile on the man's face grew even wider.

"I understand," he said. "You don't wanna do this in front of everybody. Why not go over to the barn," he added with a jerk of his head. Further off a few men laughed. Their pal's body language had given away what he was suggesting.

 

Mattie blushed. For a moment she was helpless. She wasn't in the saloon any longer, and she didn't know how to handle this. _She had to tell him off somehow, but how? If she did the wrong thing, he would avenge himself on her - or on Ben! What was she to do?_

Lilly had listened to the conversation, and she appeared from behind the sheets they had been hanging up to dry. Stepping beside Mattie, she stared at the hand without a word.

Jack got nervous. _If that girl told her father what he had just said... he had heard talk that Ben Warner had once shot a man for bad-mouthing his woman._

"Um... no hard feelings," Jack said amiably, turned and left.

"Tell Daddy," Lilly said matter-of-factly.

"Tell him?" Mattie was horrified. "What if those two fight?"

"What do you mean - 'fight'?" Lilly asked. "Daddy's gonna fire him for that!"

_Oh great. 'Fire him'... eh? And then the man would just lie in wait until Ben crossed his path again and maybe shoot him! Lilly had no idea how the world worked, how men ticked!_

"Lilly, promise me, you won't tell your Dad," Mattie said urgently.

Lilly didn't understand _\- why would Mattie want to protect a man who had hit on her?_ \- But then she nodded.

"Okay. But only this once."

Mattie nodded. _The danger was over. Lilly was a good friend. And she still owed her an answer... tonight she would ask Ben._

 

 

"Ben...?"

"Huh?"

"Lilly told me of the place you used to go together."

"What place?"

"The place where you were bathing in the river... She is sad because you won't bathe with her any longer."

_Had she said something wrong?_ Mattie wondered as she saw Ben's face shut down. _Perhaps she shouldn't have mentioned it. But she had promised Lilly that she would ask Ben. - Oh, God, what was she thinking? Yes, he had taken her out of the cat-house. Yes, she tried to do her best here on the ranch, but that didn't mean he would keep her. It wasn't her place to talk to him like this. She needed to be more compliant... apologize perhaps..._

Ben had turned away, not wanting her to see any weakness in him. He felt her approach from behind and her hand touched his shoulder softly. _She cared about Lilly. She shared their life and had let him come close. She had a right to know how he felt!_

"What did she say to you?" he asked to gain some time.

"Lilly believes you don't love her any more." She could see how that remark hurt him.

He took a deep breath. It escaped as a sigh. _'Not love her any more...' How could he not love his little girl?_

"I told Lilly she's wrong," Mattie said. "That there must be another reason, and that I'd ask you." _He wasn't angry - thank God! He was worried about something. But why? What was he worried about?_

He raised his eyes to the ceiling and took another deep breath, not yet willing to talk.

"Why won't you take her bathing any longer, Ben?"

"I can't, Mattie!" His answer came so quickly, it was almost aggressive. "She changes! Her body changes, and she's turning into a woman. I can't stand in a river with her - naked! Can't you understand?"

His desperate plea touched Mattie deeply. _He was pushing Lilly away to protect her from himself. Because he loved her so much. And because she was sacred to him._

_Why had her own mother never thought of protecting her?_

 

~~~

 

"Come on, Mattie, try again!"

"I am..."

"No. Not like that. Harder."

"I can't. I'm tired."

"Rubbish. You're only trying to chicken out!"

Made curious, Ben came out of the barn and watched them.

Mattie was sitting on horseback, trying to obey Lilly's commands to steer the horse. She didn't wear a hat, and in the effort her hair had come loose, flowing over her back and swaying around with every movement.

Her face was red hot, and Ben wasn't sure if this was because of the sun or because Lilly didn't give her a moment of respite. She could be heartless. _Better stop this before Mattie fell off the horse in exhaustion,_ Ben thought, and walked up to the corral.

"It's enough now, you two."

"No, it isn't," Lilly retorted. "Not until she can do it."

"It's enough, Lilly," Ben stated, harsher, then walked up to Mattie. He reached out his arms.

"Come down," he said.

Weary to the bone, Mattie obeyed and slid into his waiting arms. He hugged her and felt her face hot on his cheek.

"Daddy..." Lilly started to protest but Ben cut her short.

"No. It's time you went inside to prepare supper."

"We can do something quick."

Her father spun around, fixing her with a hard look.

"I'm working hard, and I want a proper dinner, Lilly, not some cheese and bread."

The matter was closed. A very exhausted Mattie – and a chastised and still angry Lilly – went inside to prepare the food.

 

An hour later they sat at the table. Ben couldn't help but look at Mattie. Her face was covered in freckles. She had pinned up her hair in haste and without a mirror, and it still looked a bit dishevelled. Her face was red both from the sun and from standing behind the stove. She and Lilly were in animated conversation. Ben compared Mattie's flushed look to her former fragile paleness and realized...she looked ravishing!

"What?" Mattie asked. She had spotted Ben staring at her.

But he just smiled at her and shook his head, concentrating on his food. A few minutes later Mattie went upstairs to do her hair up properly. When she looked in the mirror, she understood.

Both Ben and Lilly were surprised by the desperate sobs that suddenly emerged from the bedroom. Ben ran upstairs.

When he opened the bedroom door Mattie sat on the bed, her head in her hands, crying. Ben crouched down in front of her.

"What is it, Mattie?" he asked. She dropped her hands and looked at him, tears brimming in her eyes.

"Oh Ben... look at me!"

Ben looked at her but wasn't sure what she meant.

"All those freckles. I look awful!"

His wide smile did nothing to reassure her. With renewed despair she sobbed into her hands.

Lilly stood in the door frame but neither of them could see her.

Ben stood up and, while rising, enfolded her in a bear hug that heaved her off the bed.

"Mattie-girl..." He sounded like a scolding father. "You don't understand, do you? You really have no idea."

_About what?_ her look seemed to ask, but she hiccupped and couldn't speak.

"You have never looked lovelier than tonight when you were laughing with Lilly. Don't you worry about them freckles. I love them. The sun is good for you. You look like a real ranch girl now. And," he continued in a serious voice, his eyes roaming over her shape, "you are less skinny now, too."

His lips came near her ear again. "You just keep getting lovelier every day, Mattie. I love you."

The last words were only whispered but they broke something in her, like a too-tight bodice that held soft flesh in a rigid shape, and Mattie felt herself expand at the freedom she suddenly felt at his words.

Ben's finger raised her chin, and he dived down for a lingering kiss.

Lilly had heard enough. Carefully, without making a sound, she closed the door and left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	23. Overcoming the past

"Finally." William closed the door behind their last guest and took a look around. The place was littered with dishes and food. Sandy poured hot water into a tin bowl and put in a couple of plates.

"It's late, Sandy," he said. "Leave it for tomorrow."

"You have no idea," Sandy answered. "If I do it tomorrow, the work will be twice as hard."

William collected all the plates and cups and placed them beside the wash bowl, then he shoved the chairs out of the way and reached for the broom. When he swept the floor around Sandy's feet he saw that she was observing him with tears in her eyes. A sheepish grin settled on his face; he knew how happy she was to have her own place. He recalled how she had been too overwhelmed with emotion when he had told her about his plan to build a house.

"What are you doing?" she asked with a soft smile. _Mark would never – never! – consider sweeping the floor. This was work much too low for a man. It was 'woman's work'._

"Don't want to have to wait for you upstairs," was all William said.

With a sly smile and a provocative look Sandy carefully placed the plate she held in the sink. Slowly and deliberately she dried her hands on a towel and started opening the buttons on her blouse.

They dropped the chores and postponed the cleaning to the next morning.

That first night in their own house, the walls listened to the full range of laughter, panting, screaming, and moaning that the two were capable of.

 

~~~

 

"A red ribbon?" Ben asked. "Since when are you dressing up for supper, Little Flower?"

Lilly blushed - but she didn't answer.

Mattie smiled, and her hand covered Lilly's hand for a second before she sat down on her chair. They exchanged a glance, a glance Ben noticed. _Whatever it was between those two, they wouldn't say. It was one of their many secrets. Somehow that ribbon was important to those two. And, truth be told, his little girl looked just that little bit more like a girl when she made the occasional effort. Couldn't hurt to appreciate it._

"You look lovely, Little Flower," he said - and meant it.

Lilly looked up and their eyes met. It was Ben who lowered his eyes first.

"You're growing up," he said quietly, a regret vibrating in his words.

"Mattie gave me the ribbon," Lilly said, but didn't dare to say what it was for.

"Mattie knows what makes a girl pretty," Ben said matter-of-factly. "Nobody can outdo her in that."

Ben looked at the woman at his table, and in spite of what he had just said he suddenly saw all the changes in Mattie that ranch life had brought about - changes he had only dreamed of when she had still been working in the saloon.

_Yes, most of the time she still pinned up her hair to one of her elegant styles and the dresses she owned and wore were still a bit too elegant, and restrictive, to be worn on a ranch. But those things couldn't hide the fact that she grew into her new life as a farm woman. And it became her. She was moving around much more naturally and at ease with herself now. She was laughing and talking with Lilly and no longer striving to be 'perfect'. And thanks to the regular and abundant food she was filling out at last!_

_Perhaps, one day she might even get a tan..._

 

~~~

 

"You remember our talk, Mattie?"

Mattie laughed. "Which one, Lilly? We talk all the time."

Lilly had to laugh at that, too. It was true. She had never talked with anyone the way she could talk with Mattie - except her father.

"I mean about boys and girls," she clarified, "you know... the 'first time'..."

"Yeah - what of it?"

"Nothing," Lilly shrugged her shoulders. "I just wanted you to know I'm real glad you're here."

And she turned and ran out to see her mare, leaving the cooking to her friend.

Outside she ran into her father.

"Where you off to?" he asked. "Thought you were in the kitchen preparing supper."

"Mattie wants to do it alone," Lilly answered and ran on.

 

All the time while peeling potatoes and slicing carrots and cabbage, a little smile played around Mattie's mouth.

_It wasn't true what her mother had said. She, Mattie, WAS a real woman. She made her man happy without having to learn about 'special services', and she was like an older sister to Lilly. She could help her with her knowledge as a grown woman. And in return Lilly taught her what she knew, things her mother had never given her a chance to learn about._

_She was learning to cook and take care of a house. She was learning to sew and mend, and she was even learning to ride! She was a big sister, a friend, and a lover. She was precious in her own right!_

 

 

That night when Ben came up to their bedroom Mattie was standing in front of the washing bowl cleaning herself. He watched her dry herself, then pick up her perfume bottle. After a moment's hesitation she put the bottle down again.

He smiled. _She must have remembered his words that her natural perfume was better than any scent she could put upon herself._

He shut the door behind him. The sound made her turn around.

_That gleam in his eyes, it could mean only one thing..._

She laughed and ran. He tried to reach for her but she ducked and escaped behind the bed. When he walked around the bed threateningly, she scrambled over it on hands and feet. He caught her ankle and pulled her leg towards him, and she lost balance and fell on the bed, face down, laughing.

For a moment he looked at her, her slender form, her paleness against the chequered bedsheet. Her skin was so translucent that even the smallest mole could be spotted easily. There was one on the back of her thigh, and another one, bigger, at the small of her back. Another one further up on her right shoulder blade, and a really tiny one below her right ear... He traced them, first with his hand, then with his mouth.

 

A few minutes later he was eating her all over. She loved his mouth on her. But tonight it wasn't enough. She needed something else.

His lips had found her clit, and he had settled comfortably between her thighs but something was missing. She needed him to be _with her_.

Her hands reached down to grasp his shoulders.

"Ben..."

He didn't listen, was too concentrated on his task. She gripped his shoulders harder.

"Ben... please..."

He looked up. Her face was flushed. Her hands tried to pull him up.

"Not your mouth. Come inside me." It was more an order than a request.

Slowly he rose and climbed on top of her. It wasn't fast enough for her.

"Now, Ben, now!" she whispered urgently.

Her curls were wet and plastered on her forehead. His hand tried to comb them away tenderly but she stopped him.

"Come inside, Ben. I need you," she panted. "Need you in me..."

Carefully, he tried to enter her, but her hands grasped his buttocks, and pulled him inside roughly. At the same time she pushed up her hips.

_No. Not like this. It was too hard. She would hurt herself._ Ben was acutely aware of how powerfully her manoeuvre had made him enter her. But a look into her face told him she didn't mind.

"More..." she panted. "More, Ben."

Reluctantly he complied and thrust, trying to be careful. _This was still new territory for her._

It wasn't hard enough for her. Her pants increased; she was beyond caring.

"Harder, Ben. Harder..." she moaned, and her hands gripped his hips, her nails raking his skin. He looked into her face and understood: she was unaware of him, she was only aware of her own need.

Fascinated, he watched her face that had become ecstatic. Her eyes looked at the ceiling but he was sure her vision didn't end there.

"More," she moaned, and this time he complied, thrusting harder and faster.

"More. Pleeease... moooore!"

He felt her whole body grip him; her legs came around his hips, her hands moved up his back and on his shoulder blades, pulling him down onto her. Her cunt contracted around him and squeezed – again and again. It was as if she drank in her orgasm like one drank a whole glass of fresh, cold water after having crossed the desert...

 

Afterwards, she lay in his arms, her breathing slowly returning to normal.

Something had changed, Ben could feel it. In this encounter Mattie had outgrown something, leaving it behind forever. She was ready to show him her own needs now; she had finally grown into an equal partner.

Ben rolled on top of her and looked into her face. Her eyes had a sparkle in them he had never seen before.

His calloused fingers traced her cheekbones and her lips. "That's the first time _you_ 've asked _me_ for something, Mattie," he said softly.

His words registered and Mattie looked at Ben's face. He never stopped stroking her. His smile was the tenderest she had ever seen on him.

_Her eyes were looking at him as if she didn't dare answer. Was it possible she perceived this as reproach?_ Ben wondered. _When he was so happy to be finally accepted by her, totally._ His eyes glazed over.

"Mathilda, I love you," he said, kissing her lips, which were trembling all of a sudden. She hugged him, clinging to him.

"It's all right, love," he murmured, "I am glad you did ask me to do something for you. Please, do it more often. I want to give you whatever you need," he added.

And with this he rolled off her again, drawing her with him into his embrace.

Mattie's tears wet his chest, hot tears of relief. His soft words had sunk right into her heart. _It was all right to let go. To be herself. He still loved her._

Her breathing became deeper and deeper – her hand and head were on his chest, her leg was draped possessively over his thighs.

Ben was drifting away on the pleasant haze of languidness that came with bodily satisfaction and the smell of sex, something that had always made him feel safe...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	24. A long-forgotten moment

 

The smell of sex...

 

He woke up with it in his nostrils. It was before sunrise. Mattie lay beside him warm and soft, her head on his heart, her hair spread all over his chest.

_It was the same smell that his mother had worn when..._

He shifted uncomfortably, not quite awake yet. A memory stung him, it tried to make itself known.

_His mother had come and woken him, had told him to get dressed, and then they had gone to the train station. The smell had been all around her... the smell of sex._

His heart stopped beating for a moment as the vague memory took shape and its meaning hit consciousness:

_His mother had just come back from another man. Ben had never known there had been anyone else. He had gotten dressed, and she had dragged him to the station at a fast pace. There, she had pointed to a seat, had pushed a Bible into his hands and told him to read it. Then she had turned to leave. When he had asked her where she was going she had hesitated a moment as if confused. Then she had said she was going to get their tickets. She hadn't left immediately, and for a short moment it had seemed as if she wanted to hug him. But then she had turned and left, leaving behind the smell of sex._

Carefully, Ben extracted himself from Mattie. She stirred, and for a second he was afraid she might wake. _Please not._ He couldn't deal with her right now. But then Mattie snuggled deeper into the covers and slept on. He dressed as silently as he could. Ten minutes later he mounted and left the ranch.

 

He rode for hours, completely exhausting both himself and his mount. The thoughts were whirling about in his head without an anchor, and he wasn't able to get a grip on them.

Finally, he dismounted at a river and led the horse to the water. One feeling was uppermost in his heart: his mother had left him. Ever since he had had to fend for himself he had told himself that she hadn't really meant to leave him behind, that she had been prevented from coming back to him somehow. In those early days when he had been alone, trying to survive on the streets, his dreams had been filled with images of his mother being held back by elegant, intimidating, black-clad men, fighting against them, fighting with all her strength to come back to him. He had finally decided that she had to be dead. What else could have prevented her from returning?

But as he sat at the riverbank now his heart filled with a bleak and searing certainty. The truth was: she had had no intention of ever coming back. She hadn't wanted him in her life. She had worn the smell of another man on her body.

_Why hadn't she taken him with her? Perhaps she had been given no choice. Perhaps the man she wanted to go away with had refused to take her boy, too. Perhaps she had had to choose between them. But why hadn't she loved him, Ben, enough to choose him over this other man?_

He laughed out loud, a hollow, cynical laugh. A woman alone with a boy could only go whoring. A woman and a man together could build up a decent life. The eight-year-old boy Benjamin Wade hadn't really stood a chance against a grown-up man and a lover. Then his thoughts drifted to Rachel, and to how she had adored Tommy.

_Yes, she had adored Tommy, but she couldn't love Lilly. Why was that? Was it because Lilly was his, Ben's, daughter? Could women only love and protect the children given to them by the men they loved? And if so, where did that leave him? His father had been drunk all the time. He had never seen him and his mother being affectionate with each other. So perhaps she couldn't love her son Benjamin because he came from the wrong man._

_But she had still fed him and taken care of him, because children couldn't survive without their mothers – just like foals couldn't survive without a dam._

_There had been a little bay colt once. Its dam had died a few weeks after its birth. The foal hadn't been weaned yet, but it had already started to eat grass. It survived, but without the milk from its mother as additional nourishment it had stayed small. And it had never found its place among the others. It hadn't known how to play, simply didn't have an understanding of it. Instead the foal had tried to get at the other mares' udders in an attempt to find nourishment and consolation there. But, naturally, they had all rebuked the little stranger. After all, they had a foal of their own..._

_The little colt had turned out vicious, nipping and biting not in playful contest like the others, but aggressively attacking out of the blue and biting smaller, weaker foals. And they, in turn, had learned to become wary of the little bay, attacking him when he came too close, chasing him off, and turning him into an outsider..._

_Just like an outlaw was an outsider among people..._

The thought hit home. Ben couldn't take any more. He finally broke.

Tears of shame, of desperation, of humiliation and broken hopes of love ran down his cheeks and into his hands and shirt. He could take no more, his body wouldn't allow it, his muscles gave way. He writhed on the earth, oblivious to the softness and smell of the grass, feeling nothing but a pain that was so sharp he wasn't sure he would survive it...

The pain didn't seem to end. But the tears were a release, washing away all the sludge that had gathered over the years in his heart, in his veins, in his very being. The pain tore at him again and again. There was nothing he could do to fight it. All he could do was give in and cry...

 

Hours later he woke. The feeling of exhaustion was gone, and the emptiness with which he had woken was slowly subsiding. The horse stood a few yards away grazing, and after a moment of confusion Ben walked over, took its reins and mounted again, turning towards a mountain range where he knew a cave in which he could spend the night.

As his memory and with it the pain slowly returned, tears began streaming down his face again. He didn't want to cry, but he couldn't stop the tears either. And somehow it was easing his pain. _Could you wash out pain with tears? How many tears would he have to shed in order to wash out years and years of pain? To forget a scene that was etched into his memory, the true meaning of which had eluded him up until now._

As he rode among the boulders that heralded the barren landscape of the desert his turbulent feelings eased, and his thinking was slowly coming back. Ever the thinker and the man to orchestrate his life, his mind began to work out where he stood.

_Perhaps his mother could not love him. But she still hung around as long as he was a kid. And once she knew he was old enough to survive on his own, she put him where he could be found by others. Perhaps she had found a better life and had another kid, a boy she could love..._

A hot wave of jealousy stopped that thought dead in its tracks. _His mother should have loved_ him _, not some other kid she might have had!_ But Ben knew that wasn't the way it had been. He was nothing if not honest with himself, something that wasn't always easy to bear. And the truth of this newly-found thought was the hardest he ever had to bear in his whole life.

_Motherly love!_ Again, Ben laughed out, a laugh that rang hollow and echoed the emptiness in his heart. _When had he ever witnessed a mother's true love for her child?_ He wracked his brain but couldn't find an image of what he sought. _Where was he to find true motherly love? Certainly not among people. Propriety was always more important to them than the true needs of a child._

_So, what about the horses? Did mares ever feel anything out of the ordinary? Was there more than what nature told them to do? Was there true motherly love in animals? – There had been a mare, he remembered. One of the breeding stallions, full of testosterone, had wanted to mount her, but she wasn't ready for him. She still had a foal and didn't want to let go of it. The foal had been old enough to be weaned, old enough to seek out the company of other youngsters but mother and child never separated. The mare had fought off the stallion with all her strength, biting and kicking at him. But he kept coming back, the need for mating as strong in him as the need for mothering had been in her. In the end Ben had taken away the foal so the mare would come into heat again. He had taken away the foal in favour of the stallion – just like his mother had..._

The tears threatened again. No! Enough! There was no point in running around in circles. His mother was gone. Gone! If he was ever looking for love, he couldn't look that way any longer.

_So what about Mattie? She loved Lilly. Or did she? Perhaps she only pretended to do so in front of him. Perhaps now that he was gone without an explanation Mattie would leave the ranch and go back into town._

Ben shook his head.

_Why would he believe that of Mattie? He had never caught her in a lie. Maybe he should give her a chance. Her smile, her practical mind, her sensible words... if she was still waiting once he came back then maybe, just maybe there was something there, something good, something that was worth exploring, worth keeping..._

_But was Mattie really worth turning around the horse and going back? What did he want from her? What did he want from life? What had he ever had that was worth holding on to, worth fighting for?_

Ben heaved a sigh. Nothing much. So far he had always lived a life that he could leave easily. Pack and go. Start again. Find a new spot, a new gang, a new coach to rob, a new saloon to drink in. The ranch and his horses had kept him busy for quite a few years now, but wasn't it a never-ending circle? Something that would ultimately become stale?

_Should he return to his ranch? Return to Mattie, to spend his life at her side? And what did she have to offer him?_

He thought of her strength that had allowed her to overcome the darkness of her past and given her the courage to love him. He thought of the way she looked at him, touched him, pleasured him.

_What did he want from life? Love? What he had with Mattie, was this love? And if not, what, then, was love? Whom did he really love?_

 

Night was falling. He had reached the cave just in time. He tied up the horse and took off its saddle, then he tucked himself up for the night, making himself as comfortable as he could and resumed his brooding.

_Whom did he love?_

Long minutes ticked by as Ben tried to remember faces and names of people that he had once met or that he still knew. It wasn't until he finally gave up and reached for his canteen to drink some water that his overwrought mind created an image and he heard a clear and high childish voice laugh merrily.

_Lilly!_

Warmth spread through him, and suddenly Ben knew for sure that tomorrow morning he would mount his horse and ride back.

_Lilly. How could he doubt love? Ever since he had held her in his arms as a newborn baby she had filled his heart and made him feel things he hadn't believed possible. The mere thought of her crying, or sick, or the idea that something could happen to her was torture. He knew that he would easily lay down his life for her._

_Yes, Lilly was love._

_And he had left her behind! For a second he broke into cold sweat. He had to ride back first thing in the morning! He only hoped Mattie would stay around to take care of her. She would. Of course, she would. She was like the mother Lilly never had._

_And his own mother?_

At this thought Ben shook his head with a sad smile.

_It didn't matter any more what she had done and why. He knew now that he would shake it off and leave it behind. Lilly was the only one who mattered now. Lilly._

_And there was Mattie, too._

 

 

 

 


	25. A family for Mattie

"Daddy!" Lilly saw her father ride into the courtyard and raced over. The ranch hands present looked up, saw Ben, and busied themselves with something.

He was dishevelled, his hair entangled, leaves and grass in it. His black jacket and trousers were dirty and dusty. They had never seen their boss like this. But more than that, his face had changed. He had a haunted look about him, a look that changed the moment he beheld Lilly race towards him. He stopped his horse and slid off the saddle, and the two hugged.

Lilly didn't mind that he was unkempt. He was there, he was real and warm and solid, he smelled of himself, and he held her tight.

Mattie had heard Lilly's scream and came out of the house. She was baking and there was flour on her hands, on her apron, and even in her hair and face.

When she looked at Ben she nearly screamed in shock. He was gaunt, almost haggard looking. _What had happened to him to return in such a state?_

Ben saw Mattie and his eyes became soft. She hadn't left. He put Lilly down and walked to where Mattie stood. Her eyes held his, trying to read in his face what he wouldn't say.

"You're still here," he said. Mattie blinked. _What? Why wouldn't she be here?_ But Mattie read men easily. He had been scared she might leave, and he was relieved that she hadn't.

"I am still here," she confirmed. And, feeling it was what he needed to hear, she added, "Lilly and I, we are both here."

 

 

That night their love-making took on a different quality; the passion was replaced by hugging, kissing and comforting. Ben hadn't offered an explanation beyond "I had to go. It's all right now," and Mattie hadn't asked further. That night, Ben stopped along the path of orgasm more than once to look into Mattie's eyes with a new wonder – and to suddenly tickle her only to kiss her a second later with a life-affirming strength that made her melt. She didn't know what had happened to him, but whatever it had been she felt that he finally belonged to her.

And Ben felt the same. He experienced Mattie on a level that had never been available to him before. She wasn't just a beautiful and deeply desirable woman. She was much more. His newly-found trust in her opened up a door in him. He became aware of the mystery that was the person Mathilda, the magic of that woman who had let him come close and that he meant to explore down to the last tiny bit. It might well take a lifetime, but what else was life for?

Finally, after all these years of not being able to trust anybody, Ben Wade understood how people came to be at home in other people, at home in a relationship.

 

~~~

 

"Dear father-in-law,

I have just learned from Tommy that he hasn't written to you in all this time. Please accept my profound apologies at the neglect.

Tommy and I were married a week after we returned to Chicago in the Swedish Methodist Church, my father being one of its founders. It was a very festive occasion, and there was even a photographer present.

As I am writing to you, there are two pictures on our mantelpiece. One is of the whole congregation gathered on the church steps, the other is of Tommy and myself.

There is another joyous reason to write to you, dear father. The doctor has just confirmed to me that I am pregnant! Isn't this wonderful? I am so happy. Tommy has already mentioned he wants a son, and I am trying my best.

I shall write to you again as soon as our child is born.

Your devoted daughter-in-law,

Elizabeth Ann Dalton"

 

_Elizabeth Ann, that shy young girl - a mother!_

Ben tried to imagine her holding a newborn baby in her arms but failed. _She was still so young, so innocent... oh well, her 'innocence' was probably gone now, at least in the carnal sense. But hopefully that sweetness of hers was still there._

 

"Bad news?" Mattie asked when Ben remained silent.

Ben shook his head and walked over to kiss her cheek. He had never had a relationship with a woman whom he could touch so freely – Rachel hadn't welcomed his caresses, and nobody else had ever shared his life – he had only ever visited the girls in the saloon.

He found he touched and fondled Mattie whenever he could. A kiss on her forehead or into her hair, his fingertips brushing over her cheek, his arms around her waist, sometimes he was swinging her around like he did with Lilly when the mood took him – but no matter what he did, with Mattie his touch was always welcome.

On top of this they sat in the evenings and talked, sometimes until late at night. They grew closer on a daily basis, and both of them were aware of it and felt the awe of being with each other.

 

"What's the matter, girl?" Ben asked Mattie when he saw how seriously she looked into his eyes.

Mattie had been thinking about her mother and for once didn't welcome his astute observation. She turned away from him and busied herself with ironing a shirt of his.

"Nothing. I'm just a bit tired, that's all," she said.

He approached her, his hands came around her waist.

"You okay, Mattie?" he asked again. She nodded.

"You're not pregnant, are you?" he probed.

"No."

She occupied herself with ironing his shirt. _A child. He was scared she might be pregnant. But she could assure him on this account. She had her precautions, and they hadn't failed her yet. Since she had come to the ranch to live with him and Lilly, she had bled regularly._

 

 

Ben snuggled up closer, moulding his body to hers, his arms hugged her even tighter, making it impossible for her to continue what she was doing. His mouth was near her ear softly whispering, "Wouldn't be so bad, you getting pregnant, would it, Mattie-girl?"

He rubbed his nose in her hair and kissed her earlobe, then he loosened his grip on her and turned her around. His hands cupped her cheeks and he forced her to look at him. Her eyes overflowed.

"You wouldn't mind?" she asked incredulously.

He laughed and enfolded her in a bear hug.

"Ah... Mattie-girl... of course, I don't mind." He kissed her earlobe again and slightly nibbled at it.

_He didn't mind. He wouldn't become angry if her precautions failed..._

"Little girl with red hair like you... would be fine, Mattie-girl... just fine," he whispered in her ear, then his lips searched hers for a searing kiss.

 

 

"Boss!" Matt rushed in, "Jack is injured. We need the doctor. You gotta come."

They rushed outside. Jack was lying in the barn moaning.

"What happened?" Ben asked.

"He was up in the hayloft throwing down some bales of hay for us to line the boxes for the sick horses. I don't know how but he must have slipped. Suddenly he fell right out, head first. Over the ladder. Just like that."

Ben had ripped open Jack's shirt and was touching all over his chest. Suddenly Jack gave a terrible cry.

Even Mattie who had recognised in Jack the man who had pestered her some days ago winced at the sound and Matt gritted his teeth. This didn't sound good!

 

"Prepare the wagon," Ben ordered. "And take all this hay that's lying around to make a soft bed for him. Mattie, go inside. Get a few blankets."

Everybody ran and did as they were ordered.

Jack was staring at the barn ceiling panting. As long as he didn't move the pain was bearable.

"Matt... you get me that gelding you've been training."

Matt scratched his head. "Not sure he's ready to pull a wagon if it counts... he's still young, boss," he started but was cut short by Ben.

"Not in front. I'll take him with me as a present to the doc," Ben said and stood up. "Reckon Doc Martens is the only one in town who never mounts a horse. That gelding will make a perfect gift for him."

 

~~~

 

When Ben returned to the ranch a few hours later he summoned everybody.

"I just heard from Doc Martens that the measles are in town," he said.

Everybody started murmuring.

_The measles had been sweeping over the whole country. In bigger cities like Pah-Rimpi there had already been panic because of the news, but the rumours had even reached a quiet little backwater town like Indian Springs. Measles were dangerous. You could die of them, even if you were young and strong. Sometimes, when you had survived them as a child you were safe, but it was generally best to avoid diseases like those at all cost._

"Nobody - and I mean nobody! - goes into town. You understand?"

The hands murmured and nodded.

"But, Daddy... what about food?" Lilly asked.

"We still have enough. At least for a few weeks. We'll just have to hold out as long as is necessary." His look took in everybody in the yard. "Nobody is to leave the ranch. Nobody, do you hear? I'd rather have everybody ride out into the mountains and shoot rabbits or squirrels for food than risk bringing a disease here!"

_Rabbits and squirrels for food?_ Mattie blanched. Lilly puckered her mouth in disgust.

At a gesture from Ben the hands scattered and went back to work - except Jason, who slowly walked behind the barn.

 

Mattie had observed him and approached.

"What is it, Jason?"

"I'm worried about Lucy."

Mattie was alarmed.

_Lucy. Her friend. If the measles were in town and she caught them... The girls in the saloon weren't necessarily friends. They were more like rivals. If Lucy happened to catch the disease, who would help her?_

_The way Jason looked at her..._

"You can't go, Jason," Mattie said. "Ben would..."

_Kill you,_ she thought. _But this was saloon-speak. Outlaws spoke like that. Ben wouldn't kill Jason, would he? But what would he do? Fire him?_

Jason nodded. "I know. I just hope she's all right."

 

 

A week later Jason approached Mattie when she was hanging up the wash.

"I heard Lucy's ill," he said.

Shocked, Mattie turned around.

"How did you hear this?"

"Ron was in town. He skipped out, late at night. Said he needed a drink and a poke, no matter what Mr. Warner would do to him. But he came back without. The girls in the saloon are all frightened. And Lucy... he said she didn't look good. Feverish, you know? Mattie, I'm so scared!"

She could hear the desperation in his voice.

_Ben had forbidden them all to go - but Lucy was her friend! She had to go, had to help her..._

"Don't you worry, Jason. I'll go," Mattie said, her mind made up.

"Get me the wagon."

"But Miss Mattie... what will Mr. Warner say?"

"Get me the wagon," she repeated and he complied.

 

 

When she returned Ben was waiting for her. The ranch hands stopped their work and watched.

"Where were you?" he asked as soon as she had jumped off the wagon.

She didn't have a chance to defend herself. He gripped her arm and forcefully dragged her into the house, slamming the door behind them.

For the first time ever since she had known him, Mattie was scared for her life. Wide-eyed she looked at him, her face a mask of fear - and saw how his face fell.

"Mattie-girl... why did you do this?"

His voice was so soft, his look that of a man defeated.

 

_How could she ever be afraid of him?_ Mattie raised her hand and stroked his beard. "I had to, Ben. Lucy - she's ill. Nobody helps her, the girls in the saloon... they are all afraid. You don't know how it is there. Saloon girls are not friends, they just happen to live together. Lucy was all alone..."

Ben closed her eyes. _What if his nightmare came true? What if she had caught the disease?_

"So you helped her?" His words were more a resigned whisper than a question.

Mattie shook her head. "No. I just talked to her. And then I went to the doctor and told him. He's gonna take her into his house. He's gonna take care of her."

_His eyes were worried and there was something she had never seen in them before: fear. And it was all her fault!_

"I'm sorry, Ben. I was so scared for her."

_She sounded contrite, her voice that of a little girl._

Sighing, Ben took her in his arms. _Whether she was in danger or not... it was too late to do anything about it. Only time would tell..._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	26. Measles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: This chapter contains explicit descriptions of sickness.  
> If you wish to skip this chapter: there is no plot information that you miss out on.

 

 

"You don't look good, Mattie, what is it?" Ben asked ten days later.

Mattie was stirring the dough as Lilly had instructed her, slowly adding flour. Again and again she had to wipe sweat from her forehead.

"I'm feeling a bit tired, that's all," she answered but Ben wasn't fooled. He walked over and touched his palm to her neck and cheek.

"You have a fever," he stated.

Mattie looked up at him. She shook her head.

"No. It's just that it's hot in here."

"It's not that hot. And you _do_ have a fever," Ben objected, touching both his palms to her cheeks. They were considerably cooler than her skin.

 

That night Mattie thrashed in her sleep. Repeatedly, Ben placed his hands on her face, neck and arms. The fever was not subsiding.

The next morning when Ben opened the curtains to let in some light, Mattie groaned. The light was hurting her eyes. When Ben looked at her he could see her whole face covered in red spots. _Yes, it was quite obvious what was wrong with her. Mattie had caught the measles while meeting her sick friend Lucy._ Ben sent for the doctor, who confirmed his diagnosis.

 

For five days she fought. Like Mattie had asked him to at the beginning, Ben tied her hands to the bed so she wouldn't scratch herself and come out of the disease with marks. Mattie cursed him for it, but he stayed firm, sitting at her side hour after hour, cooling her face with a wet cloth, sometimes softly blowing over her face so she wouldn't feel the need to scratch so much.

Lilly, too, spent hours at Mattie's bedside, talking with her or reading some stories. In the beginning Mattie had felt bad about this. She had never known anyone who had taken care of her before. All her life she had had to manage on her own, and somehow she had succeeded. But with an illness like the measles she became aware of the fact what it meant to have family, to have someone who would stand by your side no matter what... _'In sickness and in health'_... echoed in her fever-tortured mind, and she knew that even a wedding ring could not make her and Ben get any closer than they already were. It triggered a love in her beyond what her weak body and overwrought mind could endure, and she would start crying, her frequent tears making both Ben and Lilly nervous.

For Ben, too, Mattie's illness opened up more empathy and love than he had ever felt before for a woman. He wondered where else this love for her would take him, but he wasn't really worried. So far he had always come out stronger from any crisis. And he simply couldn't contemplate a situation which would make Mattie want to leave him or which would make him love her less...

 

On the sixth day things got worse. It had been an unusually cold, draughty night, and in the morning Mattie started coughing. Ben sent for the doctor but was told that the doctor was busy helping with a birthing on one of the farms. When the doctor arrived and saw Mattie late that afternoon he was alarmed at the change. Her breaths were laboured, and the cough didn't sound good. _This was getting serious!_ Pneumonia could kill even a young person, especially when that person was already weakened by another disease.

 

~~~

 

As the sun was setting, Reverend McCarthy saw Doc Martens return to town.

"Good evening, Doctor."

"Good evening, Reverend."

"Are you returning from the Evans ranch? Is someone sick there?"

Doc Martens shook his head.

"No, not the Evans ranch. I was on the 'Horseshoe Ranch'. Miss Silk is sick. Could be that the measles are claiming a last victim there."

The doctor knew that Reverend McCarthy didn't think too kindly about the saloon girls, although, technically speaking, Mattie Silk was no longer one of them. But the Reverend was known to tar them all with the same brush.

"Oh."

Reverend McCarthy didn't know what else to say. The doctor's words were an unpleasant reminder of the fact that he had never managed to make his peace with Ben Warner after having refused to bury his... _bedmate_ in the town's cemetery.

When there were no further comments, the doctor left the Reverend to his thoughts.

_It wasn't easy to accept that a man preferred one of these 'fallen women' to a respectable family's virgin girl. But then, Ben Warner was not like the other men. He didn't come to church, and he never asked for any spiritual guidance._

_But on the other side, he never spoke ill of God, his church, or his shepherd himself either. He lived on his ranch without meddling in anybody's affairs. 'Live and let live' seemed to be his motto. A most peculiar man._

A sigh escaped Reverend McCarthy's breast.

_It would seem that Ben Warner already practised what he, Michael McCarthy, strove for – an understanding for the weak and the sinners. And he had taken that fallen woman away from whoring and was trying to make a decent woman out of her. Perhaps this was an opportunity to be charitable and forgiving. After all, this was what a true Christian was supposed to be._

A smile crossed Michael McCarthy's face at his conclusion.

_Should God really claim her life, then he would not deny... that poor sinning woman... a place in the cemetery!_

 

~~~

 

For three more days Mattie's body laboured to fight off the diseases that tormented it, but to no avail. She grew weaker and weaker. Ironically, the blotches had vanished, and her face was as beautiful as before. But the ever-present fever flushed it red, and her skin was dry and cracking. Occasionally she woke and would look around in panic. Only when she saw Ben sitting at her bedside she would quiet down again. Ten days into her disease her body was so weakened that she couldn't eat any more. Ben had tried everything, but small sips of water were the only thing she could keep down. He saw her shrink and vanish before his very eyes.

 

As the evening wore on, her breathing became more and more laboured. Ben cooled her body with wet cloths, and every now and then when she woke he made her sip some water, then stroked her face or kissed her forehead to let her know he was close. Darkness fell, and Lilly said goodnight and went to bed, leaving Ben sitting at Mattie's bedside.

Ben looked at Mattie's beautiful face from which the spots had vanished completely. She had been losing so much weight since the beginning of her illness she looked haggard. Her pale skin was almost translucent. She looked fragile like a porcelain doll, like a glass that might crack when held too tight.

Mattie drifted in and out of consciousness. Her hand was groping for Ben’s reassuring touch, relaxing each time she reconnected with him. Her body still fought the disease, but Ben could see that – step by step - she was losing the battle. He was tired to the bone, but could not bring himself to lie down to rest, not when death was so close.

In the early morning hours shortly before sunrise Mattie opened her eyes.

"Ben..." she whispered, her voice too weak to carry far. "I can't make it..."

They looked at each other, communicating their love with their eyes, both hurting in the knowledge that death lay in wait.

He refrained from answering. When you were at death's doorstep you didn't want anybody to waste time with lies. His hand combed her hair which was wet with sweat. Her hand reached for his cheek, and he caught it and kissed her palm.

A single tear travelled from her left eye along her cheek and ran onto the pillow.

"Please..." she whispered.

"What, baby?"

Ben bent over to be able to hear better. He buried his face in her hair that smelled of sweat and the disease that was going to take her away from him.

"What is it you want, baby?" he asked her softly.

"Don't put up a fight for me, Ben. Lay me beside Mary. She'll like the company."

Ben sat up. She was calm and her eyes held his.

_She must have given this some thought,_ he realized. _And she was right. No matter how long Mattie had stayed with him and Lilly at the ranch, for the Reverend in town this wouldn't make any difference. She had earned her money pleasuring men. For the likes of him Mattie would always be a whore. He would refuse to bury her in the cemetery just like he had done with Mary._

Mattie was still looking at him, awaiting his answer.

"Promise..."

He nodded. "I promise." He didn't mind where she was buried. She was who she was to him. Nothing could ever change that.

Her hand reached out to touch his beard again, and he supported it with his own. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch, revelling in it.

Mattie looked at the man she had finally allowed herself to love. _What a long way to come, from the stink of a brothel to the fresh air of his embrace. She could not contemplate an existence without him. And yet she had to leave him behind. Perhaps forever. If the church and the Christian women were right, she was a doomed woman and there was no chance for them to be together ever again._

"I want to see you again, Ben," she gave voice to her fears.

Ben opened his eyes. _Heaven._ It wasn't a concept he believed in. But if the thought helped her and lessened her pain of leaving this world behind... who was he to deny her that?

"I'll be with you, darlin'." He almost choked on his own words. _A white lie could hurt nobody while it might give her peace._

 

_How she wanted to believe him! If anybody could promise anything and stand by his word, it was him. Thinking back on her life, she couldn't remember anybody she had ever truly loved - except him._

Suddenly an image flashed through her mind. _Blood. Blood rushing out of her body, dripping from her legs, a small, tiny clot, lying on the grass amidst the mess: death._

Mattie's whole body convulsed from the fear that consumed her. _F_ _or that deed, if nothing else, for turning his child from her body so that she might keep his love she would end up in Hell and nothing - nothing! – could save her!_

Ben held her down, his strong hands gripped her shoulders. _Whatever she was thinking about he_ had _to get her out of this frame of mind! He didn't want her to be scared of what was to come and what was inevitable._

Desperately, he tried to find something that might lessen her fear while his own thoughts with devastating clearness pursued quite a different path.

_It certainly wasn't Mattie who wouldn't make Heaven. It was himself. He was an outlaw. He had killed so many people he didn't even remember every single one of them. If the Bible bashers were right and you got your reward or your punishment after death, then Mattie would learn soon that she would have to be in Heaven without him._

But right now he must reassure her, give her some strength to walk this final path. After all, it was the last thing he could do for her. He had seen all kinds of death, most of which had been unpleasant. But he would try to make it as easy as he could for her. God knew he had wished to do more, _so much more_ for her. But there was no time left for them...

"Mattie, darlin', listen," he whispered urgently. "You _will_ see me again, darling. _You will._ I promise," he said, tears shadowing his voice.

She shook her head, confused by the teachings that had been instilled into her, afraid that he might be wrong and she would be alone... forever.

Ben shook his head to clear it of his own confusing thoughts and grabbed her shoulders.

"Look at me, Mattie," he insisted, "look at me... _my love_."

His voice guided her back to him, and her eyes found his.

"Don't be afraid. I'll be with you just like you'll be with me... wherever we are."

A small smile graced her lips, and she finally seemed to believe him. But her body couldn't relax any more; it was preparing to fight its last battle.

Ben bent down, careful not to touch her chest and burden her further. His lips were at her ear.

"Don't be scared, baby. Hold onto me. I won't go away..."

_His words grew fainter and fainter. Breathing was becoming_ so hard _. She tried to do as he said, tried to hang on to him, but it was_ so difficult _, and he wasn't solid any more. His body seemed gone. All that was still there were his words in her ear and his smell surrounding her._

_The darkness was overwhelming, and her own breathing thundered in her ears. Her chest hurt_ so much _. More air. She needed more air! But there wasn't any left. No more air to breathe... no more..._

 

He saw the light flicker out in her eyes after her body had heaved a last sigh. Her head turned aside, resting on the pillow as she always used to do when she had snuggled into bed first, waiting for him to come.

But this time he couldn't come. Couldn't follow. Was sure in his heart that they would never be together again.

A feeling of abject desperation settled in his bones, a feeling that wasn't entirely new to Ben. He realized for the second time in his life he had loved without restraint, and again he had been left behind. Only this time he wasn't left behind in a train station full of people, and this time his survival didn't depend on keeping a straight face.

Slowly he sank onto Mattie's lifeless form and wept.

 

 

 

 

 


	27. Aftermath

As she had requested Ben had Mattie buried beside Mary. Around Mattie's headstone were unmarked graves, heaps of earth where unknown strangers had been dumped, and the occasional wooden cross with no more than a date and a first name on them. Nobody ever visited this graveyard. Lilly's were the only footprints in the melting snow. For a moment she stood and looked at the inscription her father had found for Mattie:

_"And now, my daughter, fear not: I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman.    Ruth 3:11"_

Then Lilly knelt down and placed a bowl with cookie crumbles on Mattie's grave. It was the end of winter, there weren't any flowers available yet. The birds would soon empty the bowl, but Mattie had loved her cookies, and Lilly needed to bring her friend a gift, needed to make a gesture.

Ben stood further off and waited for Lilly to come back so they could return to the ranch. He avoided Mattie's grave. It was just too painful for him to rip open this wound again and again. Five months had passed since her death. Lilly had come to terms with her loss. But he hadn't.

 

Ben had lost before, and in the beginning he had believed that this would make it easier for him than for Lilly. But somehow it wasn't. He still woke with the smell of her hair in his nose or the feeling of her breath on his chest. At night he would turn in bed to reach out for her and wake up because his hand had reached into emptiness...

Lilly had returned and took his hand to shake him out of his thoughts.

"Daddy. We have to go home now. The mares need to be brought inside before it gets dark."

Ben nodded. They climbed on the wagon and Ben handed the reins to Lilly. Her face lightened up and she arranged the broad leather reins in her small hands before clicking her tongue to make the horses go. Ben smiled proudly. _His little horse girl was becoming quite proficient in driving the wagon._

 

Upon returning to the ranch they walked to the corral that held the heavily pregnant mares. Matt and Jason were already taking them inside.

"When you were gone Mattie told me she would stay with me forever," Lilly said, "and now she is gone."

Again, the pain welled up in Ben and he fought not to let it break him. He hugged Lilly close, taking comfort in her presence even more than she derived comfort from his.

_Yes. That was what Mattie would have done._ He knew only too well what he had lost, what both of them had lost.

But he realized that there was no use in dwelling on this forever. And it was unfair to Lilly, who needed him.

"That's one thing we have to learn in life, Little Flower," he said. "Life always goes on. No matter how deep it cuts into us, it always continues. Look at the mares, Lilly."

She complied, turning her face towards the animals. The beams of the setting sun illuminated the two figures standing at the fence, hugging each other.

"The next foals will be born soon. And after that another summer will come. Tomorrow morning the sun will rise. It goes on as always. And we have to go on, too."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
